How To: Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping

How do I Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping?

By Porcupine's Balls, eHow Contributor

 

Pondered over by philosophers and pet owners alike, this ancient mystery, often likened to the human condition, need allude you no further.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1	Identify whether or not the particular guinea pig in question is alive or not. Is it?
2a	If it's alive, then congratulations! Your guinea pig is most definitely pooping.
2b	If it's not alive...frankly, it's probably still pooping.
Refer to the live guinea pig webcam below:
All goddamned day

References

God

 

Related News

Recently, scientists proposed to the key to over-unity production of energy lies in guinea pigs. Citing the fact that for a given amount of food input, they have roughly two and a half times as much poop output, scientists believe that harnessing this power could solve the world's energy needs, without relying on costly fossil fuels.

Holy Fuck, I Love Chocolate

Of course, upon realizing this was indeed an option, Danny DeVito began his training regiment

Silly Corgi...

Get down from there! You lack both the opposable digits and hind legs long enough to operate the controls of a Sopwith Camel. You're unlikely to land safely, let alone score any aerial kills!

Get off antique national television! Bob has told you several times that you make probably the poorest Cliff Hangers mountain! You're ruining the game for Mr. Chattsworth!

Stop ruining this Dali painting! Despite replacing your legs with stalks, you're not even remotely surrealist! You look ridiculous in the medium of oil paint!

Put Bill Corgan's guitar down! I don't care that you spent over $100 on that white suit, and have been writing several angsty songs; you'll never fool anyone into thinking you play for The Smashing Pumpkins!

Stop faking your Hollywood credibility! You never, in any cinematic capacity, played Mr. Orange from Reservoir Dogs! Stop getting orange hair all over my nice business suits!

Get out of that Vostok spacecraft! You're wholly ill-suited to represent the Soviet Union, let alone the entire human race in the first endeavor into space! God help us if you peed in that expensive pressure suit!

Stop horsing around with that low-bypass turbojet engine! You are possibly the worst AGM-28 missile I've ever seen! I doubt you could avoid any defense radar, let alone deliver a warhead of ANY size!

Get down off the rear of that fire truck! You're woefully untrained in any form of driving, or inner-city navigation! Leaping Larry's Electronics is burning down right now, and you don't even care!

Get off the damn battlefield! Regardless of how many pieces of armament to affix to yourself, you'll never be a tank! How you managed to fool those helpless, tiny soldiers of your battlefield prowess is beyond me!

Take off that unlicensed proton accelerator pack! You're not now, nor will you ever be, Dr. Ray Stanz! If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

Corgis are fucking silly looking. That's all there is to it.

My Goat!

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone got to her...

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

...Police got a search warrant for the house, and searched the woods for Thompson. They found him several hours later. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days.

When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson's bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states.

Source

You can't have anything nice in this world without some jealous, irrational demon high on bathing salts taking it upon themselves to steal it from you. I remember fondly when I got little Bailey; oh the fun times we'd have in the front yard. All grass was good grass when Bailey and I shared it, but alas, all good things come to an end.

Still, in these sad times, I find myself wondering if there was anything I could have done differently. Surely something I could have done would have prevented Bailey's death at the hands of that perverted salt-fiend. Maybe I should have paid more attention to her. Maybe I should have provided a more secure shelter for her. Maybe I should've stuck with the more traditional goat coat:

Instead of the custom attire I adorned her with, which may have served to induce her lust-inspired demise:

As indicated by the police photo, not even our backyard riddled with bees was enough to thwart the fate that awaited Bailey at the hands of that disgusting man with his bee-sting peppered face and insatiable lust. No amount of second-guessing will bring Bailey back though. She will be dearly missed by the entire neighborhood that enjoyed her playful nature and Marilyn Monroe impressions.

May Heaven be a place always full of tin cans, shoe laces, weeds, small rocks, extension cords, plastic wrappers, used Kleenexes, shampoo bottles, glass shards and all your other favorite foods, Bailey.

Slightly Used Animals For Sale

Easter is not only the time of year when Jesus comes back to visit everyone whom isn't Muslim, but it's also a time to give your children seven pounds of sugar and small animals that they can't properly care for.
This inevitably leads to a excess market of unwanted, and mishandled animals for the next month or so.

In light of this, used and slightly damaged animals are often up for sale on sites such as Craigslist and in cheap, shitty classified papers. Perhaps it's cruel on my part, but I find irresponsible animal liquidation sales to be particularly humorous for various reasons. Allow me to share with you some of the advertisements I've seen via various media, and perhaps my source of morbid humor will become clear.

Guinea Pigs For Sale - $10

Recently bought a pallet of 17 off the back of a truck. Buying in bulk saves on costs so when you splurge and buy your kids rodents in celebration of Jesus, do it right and buy a few of our 17; go big or go home. Guinea pigs normally go for $40, so letting $680 worth of guinea pigs go for $170 is one hell of a deal / case of buyers remorse. They make great stocking stuffers too!

Chinchillas for Sale - $2

Two fucking dollars! How can you go wrong! Chinchillas cost approximately $100 at a pet store, so these are a remarkable savings! Don't even dare to question what kind of shitty, half-assed chinchillas can be had for $2. Fur falling out? Missing ears? Half-blind? Quadriplegic? Dead? Those things just add distinct personalities to your fluffy friends! They're not actually low maintenance, but I'm a lazy fuck! My terrible sense of responsibility is your gain! The choice between two shitty McDonald's hamburgers and a chinchilla should be abundantly clear!

Bunny Rabbit Pets - $100

Two baby rabbits for sale. One has stunted growth, due to birth defect and malnutrition. Can't keep them because the white one freaks the hell out of us. Must be sold together because without the other one, the stunted-evil-white one goes ape shit and kills anything it can. Includes cage, and smaller animals to sacrifice for its appeasement. MAKE ME AN OFFER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Twisted Hamster FS - $5

Gave it to my daughter as a present. Five minutes later it was cocked 45 degrees around, and we can't get it set back straight. That being said, twisted hamsters are rare, and it's a seller's market for these rare treats right now. I myself own enough of these to occupy a large pile of various fluffy bits that you literally can't make heads or tails of. Come marvel and haggle at my large pile! Bring $5 or a ham sandwich.

Ducklings Need Home - $10

Got four nearly new ducklings for sale! Not sure if I got a bad batch, but they don't seem to do very much. I paid $20 a pop for them, but despite being cute they have yet to produce any eggs or that special tape they make. Can be yours for only $10. Word of caution though: THEY DON'T STAY THIS WAY FOR LONG. Apparently these things turn into DUCKS at some point; who knew? Don't let the ugly prince scare you away from the toad though!

Used animals being placed in for sale ads are just plain funny. Funny like watching someone break-dance, or watching a child fall down some steps.

Percent Balls By Mass

If you would be so kind, please identify the item diagrammed below:

The averagely educated amongst you might proudly claim that what you're looking at is a water molecule; with two H's and one O, it would seem to make sense. However, your high-school chemistry skills notwithstanding, you're incorrect in labeling the above as water. What it is instead is a to-scale representation of my pet guinea pig and the size of his balls. "O" meaning obstinate guinea pig, and "H" meaning huge ball.

As far as I can tell by combination of visual measurements and various negative responses to the sight of them, Mr. Shittums is approximately 30% balls by mass.

All unknown health ramifications aside, I'm still afraid. I fear that when the wheelbarrow he uses for transporting his balls collapses, I'll be left to pick up his satchel and fill the role of helping him to be motive again.

Apart from the physical oddity of his orbital companions, I'm sad to say that his testicular stature does have a direct negative impact upon my day-to-day life.

Frankly, I'm sick of the constant phone calls and flyers on my door informing me that, apparently, the size of his balls are substantial enough to require the splitting of the California 52nd congressional district into a brand new district. And that California's new 54th district requires several leadership roles, which I'm now responsible for filling with qualified candidates.

What a bunch of horseshit.

Rummaged My Pixels

Amid allegations of animal cruelty and illegal hunting stemming from a recently released video of him shooting an elephant, GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons released the following press statement today:

"It's come to my attention that a recent video involving me and an elephant has stirred some strong feelings from both Animals organizations such as PETA, as well as lovers of animals in general. I think before unduly judging me, it's more than appropriate that I get to share my side of the story. Although one can't tell from the video, the elephant shown had been aggressively attacking and damaging my business over the past month. Like a farmer protecting his fields of crops from wild pigs or deer, I feel that it was appropriate for me to deal with the situation summarily. Sadly, due to the size difference, the only means I had at my disposal involved deadly force upon the animal.

The aforementioned damage to GoDaddy was severe enough that we had begun to experience technical problems as a result, forcing me to act. For the past month, the elephant had been uprooting and trampling countless numbers of internet pixels, which were GoDaddy's property. Pixels are the primary product at GoDaddy, and thus this disturbance to our service could not be allowed to continue."

Mr. Parsons then released the following GoDaddy security photo to illustrate the severity of the damage to the pixel crop:

National Alert: The Invasion Has Begun

Today is truly a day that will live in infamy for all Americans. It's sad to say that with all of our advanced technology and military hardware, we were ill prepared to deal with this situation, and as a result, the US as we know it will never be the same. March 31^st, 2011 will forever be remember as the day the animals invaded.

What we thought were isolated events in Florida / Louisiana with feral pigs, and in New York with rats turned out only to the be the tip of a, quite literally, much larger beast. Starting early this morning, scattered reports of large groups of wild animals at large as well as animal attacks were being reported all around the nation. At 7:05 AM our news producer reported the below events from his phone while calling 911 for help. We warn you, what you see below will tell a terrifying story; young readers beware.

Transcript of Producers Call

Operator	"Hello?"
Producer	"Hello?! Oh, thank God I got through! Something very odd is going on. I'm trapped in my car, and I'm being terrified by an odd collection of animals!"
Operator	"You're saying that there's animals outside your car right now? Like pit-bulls, or what? Are you injured?"
Producer	"I'm fine right now, and no, they're not pit-bulls. They're not even dogs. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Oh god! They hitting my car now! I think they're trying to get in..."
Operator	"Sir, please stay calm. Can you tell me where you are currently so that we can dispatch a police unit to assist you?"
Producer	"I'm at 759......Oh Christ! Oh *static* inside *static* *static* tell wife *static* *static* *screaming*"
	End of Call

Police arrived just a few minutes later, and found his car in quite a damaged state, but were unable to locate him anywhere. They did manage to retrieve his phone, which contained the below photos; taken just moments before his disappearance.

Security camera footage from across the street manage to capture this video, believed to have been taken and roughly the same time:

Meanwhile, similar stories were developing all over the country.

California...

The entire town of Arcadia appears to have been exterminated. Early reports indicated that hundreds of peacocks appeared in the town and systematically began destroying all power and communication hard lines, severing the town's connection to the outside world. Concerned residents of one neighborhood took the following photo:

Due to the lack of communication options, a National Guard deployment was sent to investigate and confirm the status of the citizens. All homes were found broken into, with countless dead bodies strewn throughout the entire city.

Approximate Causalities: 56,000

Nebraska

Even the calm midwest wasn't spared. According to the last known reports, packs of donkeys and camels began working together, applying all their efforts towards eating anyone they could find. Even the children were not safe from the brutal slaughter at the hooves and teeth of the savage beasts.

Approximate Causalities: 82,500

Washington State

Disturbing photos show what appear to be gangs of unhappy rhesus monkeys drowning local residents in the Pacific Ocean. Beware, extremely graphic photo below:

The monkeys were too spry and numerous for anyone to stand a chance. It's feared that the majority of Washington is now under rhesus control; their destruction is said to be spreading inland at alarming speeds.

Approximate Causalities: 120,400

Pennsylvania

Most destructive and diabolical thus far is a gruesome report from Philadelphia. Shortly before the city went silent, Army recon teams inside the city captured this startling and alarming photo indicating that the destruction of the city and its residents was caused by a fleet of attack spiders, with forward commanding felines leading the charge:

Approximate Causalities: 1,500,000

However, the story that is most shocking by far was that this unprecedented attack on America was possibly known about almost a full week ago. We've just learned from a source inside the Pentagon, that the Department of Homeland Security had, while following a tip-off about terrorist cells inside the US, stumbled across a command and control center located deep in New York City. They acquired the following photo, but were unable to confirm its meaning before today's events took place.

I wish the best to all of you out there in our greatest hour need; God knows we're going to need it. I urge you all to seek shelter, preferably underground, and far away from major metropolitan areas. The government is expected to announce martial law in a press conference later today, in the hopes of returning America to Americans as soon as possible. Good luck, and God speed to all of you.

Breaking Update

In what appeared to be a victory for the US Army just moments ago, intelligence came in that the animal uprising in Atlanta, Georgia had been crushed; although not without significant Army causalities. Soldiers and Army leaders were in a state of jubilation over what was hoped to be the first of many American victories over the invaders. However, less than an hour after the victory, helicopters circling the city relayed news that in a massive retaliation effort, a herd of attack guinea pigs leveled the entire city with a salvo of Soviet tactical FROG missiles.

Nature's Swiss Army Knife

Many items in nature serve varying degrees of purpose, some of which aren't even limited to being humorous to me. Today I'm here to talk about one such ambidextrous creature: the common scary fuckin' bee.

Let me preface all this bee talk by saying: fuck bees. I don't like them. I don't like their colors. I don't like their stinging asses. I don't like how they taste. I don't like the fact that they don't fear or even respect the fact that I yell at them. Additionally, on the list of animals to have sex with they are near the bottom...along with fat people.

Despite all these negative reasons, bees do have many useful purposes; which I will now cover.

Use #1: Vessel of Fear

Let's face it, bees are frightening. They can, and will, fly around you while wailing on you with a tiny knife. And do they travel alone? Don't count on it. Much like a flying gang of minorities, bees will fill any man's heart with fear.

Even ferocious dogs are forced to wear fagtastic clothes in an attempt to keep bees at bay.
What chance does the average man stand?

However, unlike gangs, bees care little about how young and nubile you are, or how shitty your taste in music is. They don't want to rape your daughter, just sting her while she's attempting to fool them with a clever and awkward swimsuit.


Use #2: Yum Yum Factories

Probably their best known role is that of secreting tasty, sticky fluid from their bodies so that we can put it in our mouths. While the liberal media may try to tell you that bees make honey from plant pollen, this is just a lie they tell you to keep the populace calm and under control. The truth is much more terrifying, and satisfying to watch.

Honey comes from rednecks who are sacrificed and dissolved by swarms of bees; finally allowing rednecks to be productive members of society.


Use #3: Casual Attire for Asian James Franco and Mother

Fucking ASPCA Commercials

I'm powerless to do anything but change the channel when they come on. I'm a cold-hearted prick, but these commercials sickeningly melt my heart faster than a cocaine ice cube in front of Charlie Sheen. You're not likely to see a more sensationalist commercial on television, short of the ones where the driver takes a single puff off a joint, thereby forcing him to commit genocide.

The recipe for all ASPCA commercials:

1. Slow fade in while playing shitty sentimental music; most notably from Sarah McLachlan.
2. Slow pan-ins on slowed videos of dogs with sad faces, dogs with missing eyes, cats in iron-lungs, dogs on fire, etc.
3. Voice over that keeps driving the point home that all animals that aren't yours are unloved and need $18 a month otherwise they risk immediate death.
4. Repeat for at least 3 minutes.

Even hardened terrorists crumble in the wake of ASPCA commericals

In case the standard depressing-as-shit images in their commercials don't bring in enough case, I've made a few that should help kick things up a few notches.

For only $19.95 a week, you can feed this kitten and keep our PA, John, from turning the blender on

For a mere $2.80 per day, the price of one of your Starbucks coffees, you can keep Mickey Rourke from compressing this dog between his hands until it's dead

For a measly $0.75 an hour, your donations will keep this serial rapist from crushing this baby snake with his bare hands

For only $15 a day, the price of one of your trendy handjobs, you can keep this clinically depressed pug wearing a sweater from darting out in the street in an attempt to kill itself

For a mere $75 a week, plus tax, title, registration, you can prevent alpacas from being lowered into toxic vats

For the price of 3 PBJ sandwiches per day, you can keep little Jimmy from firing at this box of kittens with a naval cannon, blowing kitty fluff everywhere

For only 1.3 Million Euros, you can rescue several dozen rabbits from being launched into the sun by the European Space Agency

Just $18.95 a month will spare puppies from being used as fuel in turn of the century industrial equipment

For only a few grams of anti-matter, you can help the ASPCA finish its time machine, and go back to the Cretaceous period to help stop T-Rex rape