Google Translate: Woman Self Descriptions

I'm Catholic

I will be pregnant the moment you so much as mention a penis

Everything happens for a reason

I'm a single mother

I'm a teacher

I'm desperate for you to fill me with your butter, so that I may have offspring of my own. Want to move in?

Curvy

Fat

BBW

Ridiculously fat

The first thing guy's notice about me is my eyes

I moonlight as a hot air balloon. Huge.

I have a lot to offer

I don't have a lot to offer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around

I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around using their wallet and dick

I love my ____ and wouldn't trade it for the world

I have a ___, and am daft to the point of borderline mental retardation

I'm down to earth and low maintenance

I'm full of crap

I like all (movies/music/television shows/books/foods)

I find opinions to be difficult, and as such, steer clear of them on all levels

I'm spontaneous

I live my life by the tenets outlined in The Jersey Shore

You only live once

I do anal

I'm a nanny for two beautiful children

I have no marketable skills outside of my mastery of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

I'm not good at describing myself

I can count to potato

I'm looking for someone that believes chivalry isn't dead

I'm looking for a man that will make love to me with a condom on without trying to finger my asshole

How To: Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping

How do I Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping?

By Porcupine's Balls, eHow Contributor

 

Pondered over by philosophers and pet owners alike, this ancient mystery, often likened to the human condition, need allude you no further.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1	Identify whether or not the particular guinea pig in question is alive or not. Is it?
2a	If it's alive, then congratulations! Your guinea pig is most definitely pooping.
2b	If it's not alive...frankly, it's probably still pooping.
Refer to the live guinea pig webcam below:
All goddamned day

References

God

 

Related News

Recently, scientists proposed to the key to over-unity production of energy lies in guinea pigs. Citing the fact that for a given amount of food input, they have roughly two and a half times as much poop output, scientists believe that harnessing this power could solve the world's energy needs, without relying on costly fossil fuels.

How to: Cure Itchy Taint

How do I Make My Taint Stop Itching?

By Porcupine's Balls, eHow Contributor

 

"Damn this taint is itchy!"

An itchy taint can bring an otherwise productive day to a stand-still. Intense itching in the ol' gooch will rapidly become your number one concern when it rears its ugly head. Seemingly caused by nothing in particular, you can't predict when an itchy taint will strike. One thing you can be sure of though, is the severity of it, as itchy taints only come in one variety: an 11 out of 10 on the itchy as hell scale.

Shifting in your seat like your have Parkinson's will only help very little, so surely there must be some way to combat this anus-adjacent fiend. You're in luck; there is! And we're going to show you how!

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1	Identify the actual source of the itch. It could be a normal crotch itch, or even an inner-anus tickle. In these cases, these steps don't apply.
2	Once a legitimate taint itch is identified, you can begin the process of eradicating it. Start this process by checking your surroundings to make sure that there's no one looking in your general direction, and that there's no foreseeable chance of them doing so in the immediate future.
3	Reach down and treat your taint like a misbehaving child. I mean really get after that thing. Flick it, smack it, pound at it, poke at it with ballpoint pens, scrub it with that extra toothbrush you have lying around, whatever it takes to calm it down. It shouldn't take long to subdue it back to its state of normalcy.
DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH
4	You've won the battle. Two men entered, only one man left. Breathe a sigh of relief.
5	Wipe your hand on public property.

References

Mayo Clinic

Legitimate Health Article: I.B.S.

What is I.B.S.?

I.B.S. is short for Irritable Boner Syndrome. Generally speaking I.B.S. is categorized by unusual, ill-timed, and crippling erections.

To date, there has only been one type of I.B.S. identified: acute I.B.S.

What causes I.B.S.?

Acute I.B.S.'s root causes are not fully understood, but the disease has been directly linked to the following conditions: Sex Addition, Internet Access, Gentle Breezes, Pants Spiders and Possessed Penis Virus.

What are the symptoms?

The most common symptom of I.B.S. is an often embarrassing and prickly erection that can last well into that important meeting you have, or the time you have to pick the children up from school. This condition is also known as "a boner that just won't quit". Primary things to look for to identify I.B.S. are pants ripped in the crotch region and a sudden and unexplained tilted desk at work; both of which are caused by the powerful erection pressing against them.

How is I.B.S. diagnosed?

Your doctor will ask you about your symptoms and examine for pup-tents. This information allows for an accurate I.B.S. diagnosis in short order.

At home you can check for I.B.S. by attempting to drive a nail into your wall using your penis. If you succeed, you most definitively have I.B.S.

How is it treated?

In most cases, I.B.S. will subside if left untreated. Sadly, there's no proven treatment for the disease that leads to erection reduction; leaving patience and waiting as the only viable option. The following are often-attempted remedies that have little to no effect on I.B.S., despite common sense:

•  Slapping the erection
•  Flicking of the testes
•  Watching Sex and the City
•  Screaming at it

Normally instantly flaccid

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WoW_L33t

27 / Male / Single

About Me  I'm a nice guy that won't hit you. I like quiet dinners and making fun memories together. Perhaps you're looking for someone like me, and if so I hope you've accepted the word of Jesus Christ. I can't date anyone that will be swimming in the lake of fire that awaits those...

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Legitimate Health Article: W.A.S.

What is W.A.S.?

W.A.S. is short for Weeping Anus Syndrome. W.A.S. means that fluids are, generally, escaping uncontrollably from the anus. Both children and adults can get W.A.S.

There are two types of W.A.S.:

1) Acute W.A.S. usually comes on quickly, and lasts for a few hours.

2) Chronic W.A.S. keeps coming back and can last a long time, especially in those that are overweight.

This article focuses on acute W.A.S.

What causes W.A.S.?

Acute W.A.S. is generally caused by eating copious amounts of Mexican, and sometimes Indian, food. In rare cases W.A.S. is caused by bacteria. The high amounts of grease and dog / donkey meat in the above types of foods are the primary substances responsible for W.A.S.

What are the symptoms?

The most common symptom of W.A.S. is a uncontrollable clear, oily leakage that leaves an embarrassing translucent spot on your pants. Much like you find on the receipt and plate of the food that caused the syndrome to begin with:

This symptom is typically referred to as "pissing out your ass".

How is W.A.S. diagnosed?

Your doctor will ask you about your symptoms and examine / smell you. This usually gives the doctor enough information to find out if you have W.A.S.

At home you can test for W.A.S. by checking to see if it appears as though you'd been cooking bacon in your underpants.

How is it treated?

Most people can treat the symptoms of W.A.S. at home until the food leaves your system.

•  Drink plenty of fluids.
•  If you're out in public, fill your pants with paper towels and hope for the best.
• For the fastest recovery, apply household degreasers directly into the anus.