Letter From HR

Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics

Time for another installment of this ever-popular series. Unfortunately, however, it's still on the same subject of the Occupy movement. Likely as a result of their movement being so legitimate that their followers have to post asinine infographics on the internet to prove how legitimate it actually is. I understand how this is convenient method for them, however, given that their collective employment at The Apple Store affords them the luxury of being near computers all day. Hey, it's not my fault they keep making them.

Today's offender:

Allow us for a moment to indulge your analogy.

• It is possible that my disdain for the Occupy movement stems from being plugged into corporate America so much that I'm blind to their tyranny.
• It is possible that this all-controlling system is so ingrained into me that I'm simply denied the ability to comprehend an outcome to your movement that doesn't result in its followers becoming so frustrated they light themselves on fire out of rage, resulting in a long sought after net-positive outcome in the form of there simply being less of them around.
• It is possible that by being plugged into this system, similar to in the movie, it actually alters my perceptions of the world around me. For instance, could it be that in the real, unaltered world, Occupy members are heroic and wise warriors standing up against an evil that threatens to consume us all, while in this world the system makes them simply appear to be whiny, feckless hippies with seemingly no goal and even less means to accomplish it?

It's possible

• It is possible that, similar to the previous possibility, that the entire world around us is an elaborate ruse designed to keep the masses passive. It is possible that all the tent-dwelling Occupy members are advancing the real world, and ,indeed, our very freedom, by leaps and bounds through successful skirmishes with the establishment that traps us all. All the while, in this fabricated existence, it only appears that the Occupy movement is merely an unsuccessful riot akin to throwing a temper tantrum when another kid has the toy you wanted.

I suppose, however, that to the majority of us, your analogy is just seen as a futile attempt to bind the fantasy world in which you live to a scenario that's so frightfully stupid to us that we'd never be able to comprehend your motives without some pop-culture reference that indicates that it's simply over our heads.

I know times are rough for you all though, what with Apple revoking your Christmas bonuses for spending all five of your allotted sick days in a drum circle on Wall Street. At least it was only a virtual bonus though, only existing in fictional world, so you didn't actually miss out on anything.

Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics

Today's Specimen

If "HUH" is the modern hipster equivalent of "Jesus Christ, are you serious? Oh, you are? Wow. Just wow.", then yeah, I suppose I'd agree with you. But for the sake of argument, let me see if I fully understand the poorly illustrated syllogism you've laid out:

Major Premise: Amassing in any space you can legally get to falls under first amendment protection

Minor Premise: Occupy groups are amassing in a place they could get to

Conclusion: All Occupy...occupations...are protected by the the US constitution

If I may, allow me to deconstruct your invalid claim through through the application of the following images:

This gathering in a space designed for gathering is fully legal.	This gathering in a space designed for gathering is not legal in any way, shape or form.

Using the original image provided, allow me to explain it further, since the Occupy people are likely to be missing the distinction. The Twilight Breaking Dawn camp, are coalescing there because they're attempting to use the publicly accessible, but still private, space to engage in consumerism, as the place that owns that location would very much enjoy them doing. This is super legal. You feckless Occupy people amassing in the very same location, for the express purpose of being there, and participating in absolutely zero acts of consumerism, are south of legal. The mall didn't build you that space so you could river dance and play hacky sack in it.

In very much the same way that your home is owned and controlled by you (assuming any of you Occupy people even have homes), and is open to the idea of having welcomed guests over. And yet, if a bunch of strangers tried to come in without your consent, that crosses the line into what we call home invasion.

You don't want strangers in your privately owned living room, and, luckily for you, no one is attempting to occupy your home. Similarly, these privately owned businesses and city-owned areas don't want a bunch of dickheads there either, so you all need to jog on. Private property is private property; you can't have it both ways.

The sad part is that because the interwebs are full of half-wits and hipsters, your shitilly prepared infographic may be construed as accurate, simply because you spent time making it.

Wow, he sure did spend time planning out and making that illustration for me. I shall equate his skills with Photoshop to his skills at understanding the real world, and appeal to his clearly superior levels of knowledge.

Want that fancy new car, but can't afford it? Occupy it.

Want to sex up that lady, but she is disgusted by you? Occupy her vagina.

God bless you first amendment.

Fixing America's Poor Eating Habits

"We are not saying pizza is a vegetable," said Corey Henry, the spokesman for the American Frozen Food Institute, which supports the bill. "What we are saying is if you serve a slice of pizza with 2 tablespoons of vegetable paste, it can be an important way to deliver a number of vegetables that children will actually consume."

"We believe we can improve child nutrition by ensuring that schools are able to provide vegetables in any form," Henry said. "It's a little bizarre for us that in trying to improve nutrition, you take items from school cafeterias that do provide vital sources of vitamins and nutrients."


Source

Let's face it, making smart and healthy eating decisions is hard. Lack of knowledge about, and easy access to, unhealthy choices seem to be a fixture of American dietary culture. On a daily basis we're all faced with tough dietary questions such as:

• Which will satisfy my daily requirement of Vitamin D: 14 peanut M&Ms or an Almond Joy?
• Would an egg McMuffin or just a deep-fried English muffin be more sensible for breakfast?
• How many bags of kettle-cooked potato chips should I eat daily to maintain my health needs?
• Are these Post-It notes on my desk edible?
• Why am I told that I shouldn't try to eat my own armpits, despite them smelling like Taco Bell?

I'm not a dietitian; I don't have the answers.

But crushed under the weight of these important decisions, it's getting harder and harder for us Americans to stay healthy. That's why I wholeheartedly trust the dietetical ideas of Mr. Henry; simply redefine the unhealthy foods we already eat, as the healthy food we should be eating. Using his expanded concept of nutritional completeness, the following amendments are being made to my diet, under the hopes that they'll soon filter into our schools as well.

Used to Be Garbage	Now Counts as	Why the Fuck?
	1 serving of vegetables	Has tomato (which is a fruit) paste layered on it. Fuck you, deal with it.
	1 serving of vegetables	Made of healthy-ass corn and salsa-adjacent flavors
	1 serving of dairy	Milk chocolate, dumbass
	1/2 serving of vegetables and 1/2 serving of protein	Made with some coffee --> coffee comes from beans --> beans are legumes containing proteins --> science
	2 servings of grains	Beer is essentially bread. Nutritious bread and nourishing water.
	1 serving of fruit	Don't be stupid, the package says "contains real fruit juice"
	1 serving of meat	Jesus Christ. It's egg-shaped. Eggs are made by meats to make more meats. What's so hard to understand?

It's a little bizarre for me that in trying to improve children's nutrition, you wouldn't feed them loads of pizza, Starbursts, Frappuccinos, 3 Musketeer bars, Doritos, cream eggs and beer. Frankly, it seems a little irresponsible not to.

Get your shit together, schools.

Stabfist Blames Obama 'Appeasement' for Palestinian Statehood Bid

Republican senator Firebat
Stabfist of US outpost colony #16

"We are indignant that certain Middle Eastern leaders have discarded the principle of direct negotiations," he said. "We are equally indignant of the Obama administration and their Middle East policy of appeasement."

Stabfist called on the U.S. to approach the Middle East with a "new firmness and a new resolve." Stabfist criticized Obama for demanding concessions from the Jewish state that Stabfist says emboldened the Palestinians to seek recognition by the U.N.

While blatantly disregarding the long-standing no ominous background flames whilst in session rule, senator Stabfist stated his belief that "peace in the Middle East would not come through appeasement of, nor through concessions to either party."

Stabfist went on to proclaim, while wearing his red political battle-suit, that the only possible solution to conflicts in the Middle East would come from a United Nations imposed "peace"; quotes around the word actually being gestured with his fingers as he spoke.

His solution was simple, he went on to say. Listing that his peace could be brought to the Palestinians and Israelis conveniently by either:

• Loading the "peace" into "howitzers, mortars and god damned tanks", and then lobbing it at their settlements.
• Loading specialty heavy aircraft with "peace" and raining it upon their homes and schools, saturating the newer generations with it.

For an even more thorough application of "peace" to the local inhabitants, Stabfist went on to say:

• "Peace" could even be buried under the soil of the contested area, waiting for an unsuspecting person to walk upon it, unleashing copious amounts of "peace" upon them.

On the opinion of Obama's stance on the issue being weak, Stabfist concluded his speech by saying "These tactics work for the Zerg problem, and we should do no less here. Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy."

Senator Ultralisk stormed out at this point, and has been unable to be reached for comment.

Democratic senator Glarwar
Ultralisk of Tennessee

A Sad Day for Canada, and Thus, the World

I, like the rest of the civilized world, am appalled at the actions of many Canadians in Vancouver.

After the smoke had cleared, and the broken glass had been swept up, I find myself confused and hurt by one looming question that still remains: when did hockey become such serious business?

The following is an excerpt of things the world-stage views as important / legitimate:


1. Overpopulation
2. Chinese Globalization
3. Korean Sneak Attacks
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
55. AIDS
.
.
.
.
.
98. Oddly-shaped McDonalds Chicken Nuggets
.
.
.
.
.
184. Canada
185. Hockey

Hockey ranks even lower than Canada itself does in terms of world legitimacy. Therefore, it's simply mind-boggling that such neanderthalian reactions could stem from a sport which consists ostensibly of attempting to push a dog turd off a hard-wood floor using a window squeegee.

Among the many shocking photos taken during the senseless vandalism spree, this one ranks as the most savage and telling one I've found:

Truly a sad day for Canada.

As this brutal photo reveals to us, we can see that not only was the hockey outcome of paramount causality to the event, but it appears that a combination of Molson beer and maple syrup fueled a cities' transformation from a home to peaceful, jean-jacket wearing lumberjacks with orange mullets, into a much darker vicious spiral of violence and candid Facebook photos.

This is not the America's Hat that we've all come to know...and quickly forget about.

NYC Smoking Ban

Smoking has been banned from many parts of the U.S. over the last decade. New York City is now taking the war against tobacco a step further with a new law that goes into effect today, banning smoking outdoors - at beaches, boardwalks, parks, and pedestrian plazas.

The ban - which impacts 1,700 parks and 14 miles of city beaches and pedestrian plazas like those around Times Square - was passed by the City Council in February despite some lawmakers' concerns that it violated individual liberties. New York outlawed smoking in restaurants in 1995, a rule that other cities have since adopted.


Source

Despite the new increase in anti-smoking regulation, many critics and citizens in New York are saying that it's still not enough, and want even more legislation. Under this pressure, the New York City Council passed what is arguably the strongest anti-smoking bill yet passed anywhere.

This new bill makes it mandatory for all smokers to purchase (out of pocket) their own version of a early diving bathysphere, dubbed the smokeysphere, that will contain the smoke to their own person, and force them to continue breathing it through a "hotbox" system. This system will prevent any smoke from escaping into the environment, thereby removing second-hand smoke as well as any environmental impact the smoke my have. The suit is to be worn at all times outside of their private residences, where smoking may be allowed indoors.

It's hoped that the high start-up costs of the system, coupled with it's awkward and encumbering nature will further reduce the amount of smokers in the city.

The poorest inhabitants including Bronx and Brooklyn residents will use this base model.

Wall Street employees and Staten Island residents will have access to the upgrade "gang-rape proof" model.

Any smokers found either not using, or having a leak in, their smokeysphere will be subject to either a $1,500 fine or death by East River exposure.

This Week New Jersey News

Deli Fresh Llama

The Dalai Lama brought his message of peace Thursday to a U.S. city wracked by violence, saying one tool Americans can use toward social well-being is addressing the gap between rich and poor.

The Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader made the remarks on a visit to New Jersey's largest city to kick off a three-day event promoting nonviolence.

When asked how the messages of the summit — which will include panel discussions by Nobel laureates and celebrities including Goldie Hawn — will reach young people in Newark struggling to find their way in violence-plagued neighborhoods, the Dalai Lama said that violence — especially among the young — is an acting out of extreme frustration.

We asked a New Jersey resident what their feelings on the significance of the Dalai Lama's visit were, and whether or not they thought it would make a positive change in their state. Their response is as follows:

Tan Jovi

Who's that queer in the dress?

Mr. Jovi then proceeded to turn around a punch a nearby woman for seemingly no reason.

My Goat!

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone got to her...

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

...Police got a search warrant for the house, and searched the woods for Thompson. They found him several hours later. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days.

When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson's bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states.

Source

You can't have anything nice in this world without some jealous, irrational demon high on bathing salts taking it upon themselves to steal it from you. I remember fondly when I got little Bailey; oh the fun times we'd have in the front yard. All grass was good grass when Bailey and I shared it, but alas, all good things come to an end.

Still, in these sad times, I find myself wondering if there was anything I could have done differently. Surely something I could have done would have prevented Bailey's death at the hands of that perverted salt-fiend. Maybe I should have paid more attention to her. Maybe I should have provided a more secure shelter for her. Maybe I should've stuck with the more traditional goat coat:

Instead of the custom attire I adorned her with, which may have served to induce her lust-inspired demise:

As indicated by the police photo, not even our backyard riddled with bees was enough to thwart the fate that awaited Bailey at the hands of that disgusting man with his bee-sting peppered face and insatiable lust. No amount of second-guessing will bring Bailey back though. She will be dearly missed by the entire neighborhood that enjoyed her playful nature and Marilyn Monroe impressions.

May Heaven be a place always full of tin cans, shoe laces, weeds, small rocks, extension cords, plastic wrappers, used Kleenexes, shampoo bottles, glass shards and all your other favorite foods, Bailey.

Rummaged My Pixels

Amid allegations of animal cruelty and illegal hunting stemming from a recently released video of him shooting an elephant, GoDaddy CEO Bob Parsons released the following press statement today:

"It's come to my attention that a recent video involving me and an elephant has stirred some strong feelings from both Animals organizations such as PETA, as well as lovers of animals in general. I think before unduly judging me, it's more than appropriate that I get to share my side of the story. Although one can't tell from the video, the elephant shown had been aggressively attacking and damaging my business over the past month. Like a farmer protecting his fields of crops from wild pigs or deer, I feel that it was appropriate for me to deal with the situation summarily. Sadly, due to the size difference, the only means I had at my disposal involved deadly force upon the animal.

The aforementioned damage to GoDaddy was severe enough that we had begun to experience technical problems as a result, forcing me to act. For the past month, the elephant had been uprooting and trampling countless numbers of internet pixels, which were GoDaddy's property. Pixels are the primary product at GoDaddy, and thus this disturbance to our service could not be allowed to continue."

Mr. Parsons then released the following GoDaddy security photo to illustrate the severity of the damage to the pixel crop:

CNN: Totally Legit

Breaking News

Japan Death Toll

4000 more bodies were discovered in Japan today, bringing the total to.....we interrupt this story to bring you a shocking hole-in-plane discovery...

Suspected Bullet Hole In Airliner

Shocking news today as airline officials have spotted a hole in the fuselage of a commercial aircraft. Sources indicate that this hole could potentially be from a bullet. So far, this hole has contributed to exactly zero deaths, and it's estimated that multiples of that number are to be expected when all is said and done.

The State Department and US military are looking into rumors that the hole is somehow Gaddafi related. President Obama has set all US military aircraft that aren't already bombing the Libya on alert to cover all eventualities.

We'll be sure to stick with the non-moving plane and un-changing hole as this story develops.


Missing NYC Cobra

More on the continuing cobra loose in NYC story we brought you earlier: officials still don't know where the snake is, and warn that it could kill anyone in NYC that it wants to. On the lighter side of news, it's fictitious Twitter account now has almost 100,000 followers.

The cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo on Saturday. Zoo officials cite being stared at by sleeveless New Yorkers day in and day out as the primary cause  of the snakes disappearance.

Hole in Plane Update

Terrifying update: scientists and local police now believe that the cobra has now gone INTO the hole in the parked plane. We can only imagine the untold horrors that could be taking place in that plane riddled with holes and cobras.

For more first-hand information on the untold horrors taking place on that plane, we go live to our reporter in the field:

Middle Earth Conflicts

CNN now returns you to live coverage of Operation Whack-A-Mole: the US occupation of both the Middle East and Africa, collectively now referred to as Middle Earth.

New Advance In Japanese Cleanup Efforts

Using their advanced knowledge of robotics, the Japanese government began testing today of a new system that would cut cleanup time of the country down to a matter of weeks. Scientists and government officials in Minamisanriku unleashed the first of a proposed fleet of giant Roomba robots today, which will roam the countryside, sweeping them free of debris.

Shown here prior to activation, at its control center at a local school.

Aerial photo taken just minutes after the robots initialization.

Scientists estimate that this program will have the country roughly 90-95% clean in just two and a half weeks. All the collected trash will be disposed of in the appropriately sized waste disposal site "New Jersey", that's been used for decades. The only potential problem, the scientists state, is that the Roombas are poor at navigating any obstructions, including hills.

Taken 15 minutes later, we can see the interaction with one of literally thousands of obstacles the Roombas will encounter.

This is exciting and harrowing news for a country that's had so much devastation and sadness as of late. As such, the Japanese people are welcoming their new robot overlords with tears of joy.

No word yet on how Mothra will react to the anticipated fleet of 20 robots that will be released, but officials are confident they will accomplish their tasks without much hindrance; apart from the slight hills and overturned ships in their paths, which will force them to re-route.

Japanese citizens are urged to stay out of the path of the Roombas, as they will either lead to immediate death, or a not so immediate transplant to New Jersey.

Breaking Nuclear News

Japanese Government Raises Alert

Breaking news from Japan today, where the government, in light of the recent increases in radioactive exposure, has raised the Mothra warning level from four to five.

The Mothra warning level is on a scale from one to seven, with one being Mothra is cocooned and unavailable and seven meaning that Mothra is actively terrorizing the country.

Government officials state that increases in radioactivity are likely to cause the Mothra pupa to awaken, and seek vengeance for the disturbance. In the wake of the recent tsunami devastation, the government emphasized that they were ill-prepared for a Mothra attack at this time; citing that the happy blaster toe laser defense team is currently preoccupied with recovery efforts.

Pew pew pew

The government warns that citizens are to take Mothra warning levels seriously, as she has proven to be a formidable opponent; reminding citizens of the damage she did to the Tokyo Tower just a few decades ago.

She was pissed

As always, stay tuned for any current Mothra news as it becomes available.

Breaking Tsunami News

In a shocking news report from the "Who Would Have Fucking Guessed News Network", it's reported that Easter Island will get hit with the tsunami from the recent earthquake off the Japanese coast. This is shocking news, because everything in the Pacific Ocean was effected by this event, and after a brief study of world geography, it turns out Easter Island is IN the Pacific Ocean.

For live coverage of this impending, possibly catastrophic, event to the island and its 36 inhabitants, we now go live to Easter Island correspondent Giant Stone Head.

Thanks for that gripping report, Giant.

Officials fear that rescue efforts for the island may be slow and difficult to undertake, due to the problem they're calling "those people chose to live in one of the remotest places on Earth; tough titties".

No word yet on how this approaching wave will effect the island's contribution to the world's supply of "absolutely nothing", but we're speculating that international prices of "interesting video game backdrops" will sharply rise as Easter Island is ravaged. Stay tuned for more news on this event as it becomes available.

News Alert: Libya

Due to recent threats from the Libyan air force, including attacks by strike aircraft as well as airlifting in troops/weapons, the U.N. is now starting the process of making Libya a "no fly zone" (NFZ), in an operation it's calling "Your Airspace is Now Our Airspace: Nan Nanny Boo Boo Stick Your Head in Doo Doo"

News of the NFZ, comes in light of a recent shoot down of Syrian fighter-bombers over the city of Ras Lanuf. Anti-Gaddafi rebels stated "We shot it down! And with only one barrel of our gun working too!". Stealing the rebel's thunder, Pro-Gaddafi supporters rebutted with "Big whoop, the plane only had one wing anyway."

Despite the inherent dangers of enforcing the NFZ, a detailed report was released by the State Department and the Office of Naval Intelligence that cited the following reasons that convinced them the Libyan air defenses posed no threat:

1)

Reports indicate that the Libyan air defense network is quote: "severely ineffective due to poor gun maintenance, and due to the fact that half of the obsolete Russian surface-to-air missiles are manned by small herds of goats".

2)

What few aircraft Libya has are antiquated Russian hardware, no match for modern American aircraft. In-depth studies have concluded that the majority of their air force is comprised of aging MiG-21 aircraft, which were updated several decades ago to the "latest" Lego technology.

3)

The average Libyan pilot has only 1/4th the training that their American counterpart does. This fact is exacerbated by the fact that the majority of Libyan pilot training comes from the use of this unsophisticated software:

4)

Despite the previous success of Libyan AA against jet aircraft, the US has identified a key flaw in their AA system: Amadou's legs get tired after only 15 to 20 minutes in the "ready" position.

No word on when the NFZ enforcement will be lifted, allowing Libya (like the rest of Africa) to be returned to it's normal classification of "a war-torn hell hole where most problems are solved with automatic weapons"

Gaddafi: Don't Hate The Player

It's come to my attention that recently, Libyan leader and original member of 2 Live Crew, Muammar al-Gaddafi has been catching a lot of press heat because of his bodyguards...and some little mass-shooting too, I think.

The primary focus of the critics attention has been on the particular homogeneous nature of his guards; all 40 of whom are hand-picked female virgins. Collectively referred to as the Amazonian Guard, they're touted to be artists of both firearms as well as hand-to-hand combat. Their training is very secretive, and not much is known about his legion of fembots.

Through extensive investigative reporting, at the risk of possible bodily harm to both myself and my family/friends, I have learned the identity of several of the key members of his elite team, and what makes them so deadly.

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 Using a trick he learned from the movie Weird Science, Gaddafi has animated and incorporated into his collective both his Amazon as well as his Assassin character builds from the Diablo II video game. It's rumored that his Amazon was a level 24, and that she adds +6 to Gaddafi's vitality; perhaps explaining his long reign.

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Taking a page right out of Hollywood's playbook, Gaddafi has recruited Ming-Na, who played Chun Li in the live action Street Fighter movie. Seen below during one of the many secret daily affirmation ceremonies that help build the Amazonian Guard's morale:

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I've even managed to sneak a video out of Libya of one the the extremely secret and grueling hand-to-hand fighting competitions inside Gaddafi's camp:

Recent reports have led to a fear in the west regarding Libya's current monopoly on Qigong Fist Technology