28 Drunk Trolls Later

On May 4^th, in the year of our lord 2012

Our jobs, our families, our lives...the world as we know it, will soon be coming to an end

As the impending darkness approaches our sleepy planet, it begins to feel like humanity has simply given up

Nay.
One man with 13 machine guns takes it upon himself to save the human race from an untimely end

Trusting only his present, he races towards an uncertain future...likely filled with badass explosions

And as the time draws nearer to the end, he summons every ounce of his being to fight for everyone's right to live on

......

Can

He

Stop

This

Unspeakable

Evil, disgusting troll-beast seedling

*gratuitous fight scene*
Pew pew pew!

Back to hell with you, spawn of Satan, gestating yet another spawn of Satan!

Please, someone step up and be that man. The world needs you. I would totally do it, but, after all, I made the trailer and poster, so....I can't do everything.

Why someone would put their dick in that tree stump is beyond me. How any churches on earth are not actively attempting to terminate this demon child is even more beyond me.

Sometimes you really disappoint me, humanity. Most of the time, actually.

Demoing Renuzit Scents

According to internal memos, they have a batch of these proposed, but rejected, scents every year. As part of this Plinko-esque process of sorting good smells from bad smells, they offer up their concoctions to the public to test them, before they go on sale. Confusion at how these ever got beyond the Board O' Ideas stage notwithstanding, here are my demoed bold new scents for 2011, from the masters of odors at Renuzit:

Reminds me of the warm smell of discarded live-in husks that filled our home around the holidays. Mostly reminds me of that year grandma had her "accident" at dinner.
4/10

Fresh. Crisp. Sharp.
Interestingly reminiscent of that trip I took to Tokyo a few years back.
6/10

Spicy is surprisingly accurate. Bold and powerful, this one made my throat burn upon inhalation. Nothing a glass of milk couldn't fix though.
7/10

Smells like every cat owner's home I've ever been to. Familiar but not inviting. Excellent packaging design, however.
5/10

A cornucopia of aromas and even palatable flavors stemmed from this one. I distinctly picked up on baby corn though.
I hate baby corn.
2/10

This one was captivating and pungent. Fresh and natural with overtones of nature walks and suppressed memories.
9/10

They nailed the description on this one. My eyes are still watering. Only for the adventurous.
5/10

Unpredictably pleasant. Like a combination of pina coladas and tuna fish.
8/10

As a home fragrance, I'll pass. As a means of easy fumigation, I think this has a future.
3/10

Spot on. I would fist pump this one all the way to the check-out aisle.
9/10

New Company Hires From LinkedIn

__________
Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System

__________'s Experience

Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System
March 2009-Current

Inter-office collection of gravitationally collapsed primordial gasses and dust. Too low in mass to sustain fusion. Not a client-facing position, but have people skills. Daily tasks consisted of leaking noxious lighter-than-air gasses into the surrounding environment, perturbing office resources with a gravitational-well, as well as ruining expensive equipment by tainting it with x-ray bursts emanating deep from within personal gas clouds.

From a leadership perspective, job duties consisted frightening coworkers into my defined standards and practices through fear of interfacing with the ever-present trail of shit particles that trails behind me, pushed outward by the solar winds. Also, demonstrating team leadership skills by displaying my perspiratory prowess in the underarm and lower back regions; likely caused by my intense tidal forces.

_______________
Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems

_______________'s Experience

Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems
October 2007-Current

Professional retrovirus with several years of internal corporate take-over experience. Once moved from one host-company to another, my injected sequence of seditious take-over activities include:

• suggesting that everything done prior to my arrival was stupid and trivial
• recommending the immediate replacement of anything I didn't have my self-righteous fingers in
• submitting for review that any opinion or procedure that did not originate from me, is not valid
• using a self-feeding firestorm of words to emphatically drown out other ideas, leaving the air so dense with my thoughts that others aren't likely to survive
• Asexually reproducing by systematically forcing out current employees with my never-ending word-storms, and then replacing them with all my friends and colleagues.

Using the above techniques, I'm quite competent at bludgeoning a healthy working host company's systems and replacing them with my own pompous systems.

___________
Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It

___________'s Experience

Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It
NaN-Current

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

I also have advanced HTML skills and have evolved beyond giving any shits about pay, benefits or working-conditions.

________________
Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot

________________'s Experience

Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot
September 1993-Current

Me sell stuff. You want stuff? Want stuff or no want stuff, I stay till you buy stuff. No understand anything. No need to. Me sell. Me sell and smash. SELL AND SMASH!

With this dream team, I know there're prosperous times on the horizon.

Pubefection

What in the name of the queen and Continental Congress is going on in men's bathrooms nowadays?

Like a normal male human being, I primarily go in to take a sweet, sweet piss. But it seems others go in for something far more sinister. Which brings me to my primary question:

Which of you fucks are leaving piles in pubes in the urinals like some wookie-esque urban Johnny Appleseed?!

Even wookies have the damn common courtesy to contain their junk hair, you savages.

As a corollary question: how the hell are large quantities of your damn pubes springing forth from your crotch? It's like a sick game of Perfection, except instead of eye-puncturing plastic shards we have curly pubes, and instead of the opportunity to win, everyone can only lose.

Like a pube jack-in-the-box, I imagine some business man comes into the bathroom, unzips his pants and reveals what could only be described as a Hasidic Jew from his fly

I hate to break it to you, but your pubes are under a medically unhealthy amount of compression tension if they burst forth when you open your pants. Seek medical attention...or a barber...or both.