Fixing America's Poor Eating Habits

"We are not saying pizza is a vegetable," said Corey Henry, the spokesman for the American Frozen Food Institute, which supports the bill. "What we are saying is if you serve a slice of pizza with 2 tablespoons of vegetable paste, it can be an important way to deliver a number of vegetables that children will actually consume."

"We believe we can improve child nutrition by ensuring that schools are able to provide vegetables in any form," Henry said. "It's a little bizarre for us that in trying to improve nutrition, you take items from school cafeterias that do provide vital sources of vitamins and nutrients."


Source

Let's face it, making smart and healthy eating decisions is hard. Lack of knowledge about, and easy access to, unhealthy choices seem to be a fixture of American dietary culture. On a daily basis we're all faced with tough dietary questions such as:

• Which will satisfy my daily requirement of Vitamin D: 14 peanut M&Ms or an Almond Joy?
• Would an egg McMuffin or just a deep-fried English muffin be more sensible for breakfast?
• How many bags of kettle-cooked potato chips should I eat daily to maintain my health needs?
• Are these Post-It notes on my desk edible?
• Why am I told that I shouldn't try to eat my own armpits, despite them smelling like Taco Bell?

I'm not a dietitian; I don't have the answers.

But crushed under the weight of these important decisions, it's getting harder and harder for us Americans to stay healthy. That's why I wholeheartedly trust the dietetical ideas of Mr. Henry; simply redefine the unhealthy foods we already eat, as the healthy food we should be eating. Using his expanded concept of nutritional completeness, the following amendments are being made to my diet, under the hopes that they'll soon filter into our schools as well.

Used to Be Garbage	Now Counts as	Why the Fuck?
	1 serving of vegetables	Has tomato (which is a fruit) paste layered on it. Fuck you, deal with it.
	1 serving of vegetables	Made of healthy-ass corn and salsa-adjacent flavors
	1 serving of dairy	Milk chocolate, dumbass
	1/2 serving of vegetables and 1/2 serving of protein	Made with some coffee --> coffee comes from beans --> beans are legumes containing proteins --> science
	2 servings of grains	Beer is essentially bread. Nutritious bread and nourishing water.
	1 serving of fruit	Don't be stupid, the package says "contains real fruit juice"
	1 serving of meat	Jesus Christ. It's egg-shaped. Eggs are made by meats to make more meats. What's so hard to understand?

It's a little bizarre for me that in trying to improve children's nutrition, you wouldn't feed them loads of pizza, Starbursts, Frappuccinos, 3 Musketeer bars, Doritos, cream eggs and beer. Frankly, it seems a little irresponsible not to.

Get your shit together, schools.

Critiques of Middle School Drawings

Behold the gull-winged pornography that is Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG. At $204,000, it's probably the cheapest cruise-missile you can buy.

Now behold the Sycamore Canyon Middle School art department's homage to the lovely beast, as viewed through the unfiltered eyes and pens of innocent children.

For Christ's sake, Patrick. How the hell do you expect to pass a safety inspection without so much
as a single suspension unit holding the wheels to the car? Not to mention that you carelessly made
 the rear wheel 1.5 times the diameter of the front one. It almost as if you have no automotive design
experience at all.

I feel like this assignment was simple, and yet your lack of understanding has proven me
quite wrong, there, Alexandra. Unless I'm wrong, I thought you were instructed to draw
the SLS that was brought in specially for us. And yet you drew some sort of mechanical
sea sponge with a hydra wrapped around it. Amazing.

Look, James, I don't know how many times we have to cover this: your lack of
perspective and imagination are wholly unacceptable. The SLS looks nothing like this
and we both know it. See me after class.

What an odd serrated ancient coin you've presented me with, Alicia. What? That's supposed
to be the SLS' wheel? Wow. Ok. Clearly, Alicia, it's mildly round at best. What chance
does the SLS have to safely operate on this "wheel" of yours? Slim to none.

Well, I see you've labeled it as a Mercedes-Benz SLS, but frankly, all I see when I look at
it is a Galapagos tortoise. Did you intend for it to be all tortoise-y? Were the added facial and
ass hairs intended to get a certain point across...or....no?

Very funny, Leira. You're fourteen years old, I would assume you know the difference
between an automobile and a grooming device, and yet you turned in this
drawing of an electric razor. You truly confuse me sometimes with how wildly incorrect
you're capable of being.

If I've told you once, I've told you a dozen times:
1) Falcore the Luck Dragon from Never Ending Story is never the answer in this class, so quit drawing it
2) Quit abbreviating your damn name. It's Ezjud Jalopy, grow up already.

I assume we were gazing upon the same SLS, Olivia; afterall, they're not easy to come by here
at Sycamore Canyon. And yet, whilst I presented a gray one to the class, you managed to
find an entirely different blue one. I hope you brought enough SLS' for the whole class since you seem
to have an abundance of them.

Ryan, this vivid imagination of your has to stop! It just has to! Why in God's name when presented
with a perfectly good Mercedes, did you choose to draw what appears to be the aftermath of one
having been blown up? This morbid curiosity of yours will be noted in the counselor's office.

Wagon wheels, Abria? Really? Maybe if we spend a little more time showing the Mercedes
some respect, and a little less time playing with that iPod shuffle you got for your
birthday, we wouldn't be in this awkward position in which you've placed us.

Yet another in a proud series of half-assed attempts Kera, good job. I know you have weight issues,
but there's little reason for you to continue to insist on drawing everything with a grotesquely bulbous ass
on it. And by the way, don't think I didn't notice your pathetic effort to scribble in some
color all over the car, including the rear glass. Very classy.

You know, Sean, I kept waiting and waiting after class, hoping that by some miracle of the gods
that another paper would show up containing the missing half of your drawing. But I see
now that you're quite content just drawing half of it, and considering that a job well done.
Well, I got news for you buck-o; it's not a job well done. Unless you took some tour of the Mercedes
plant that I'm not aware of, and drew a car that was still under construction....which I very much doubt...then
plan on repeating this course in summer school.

Tell Me More About Your Kids

Man oh man do I love hearing about your kids. They do so many breathtaking and inspiring things that I fully understand why you feel the need to share the stories with everyone you're vaguely acquainted with. Much like a movie trailer foretelling the awesomeness to come, your stories are always preludes to physically bringing your spawn along for everyone to bask in their very real value. The gripping stories you tell are so unbelievable that I'm glad that you proved me wrong by showing me your kid actually doing these incredible things. I never would have believed it, but yup, your kid nailed it. God damn that thing is awesome.

It's 100% not the case that your life has become so debased, that all you have left to enjoy are the meager and mundane accomplishments of your seedling. That's definitely not the case. Which is lucky for everyone around you, so that we can all feel a deep sense of enrichment for having been privy to this vicarious living through them via your recounting of your child's happenings.

"My son is so cute. He does this thing where he thinks everything is a duck."

Yeah well, that just proves that your son is an idiot. Very few things are actually ducks, so he's by and large factually incorrect. Great story though. Rich, and compelling.

"My daughter just got this little backpack. It even has a pocket for an iPad."

She's three damn years old. She can either spell nor pronounce "iPad", consequently , she doesn't need a god damned holster for one. Now go away, your stories sicken me.

"You should have seen my daughter, she was wearing this adorable cookie monster outfit I bought her."

Big whoop. I'm a full-grown man, and I wear outfits every damn day. I even went the extra mile last Tuesday, and wore a cookie monster outfit. And what did you do? You looked upon me as if I was some abhorrent retard. Seems fair.

"This weekend my son was playing outside while I was working in the yard. I turn around for one second, and when I turn back, he's eating a spider he found."

That's fucking disgusting. What kind of moron eats bugs? He didn't even chose a remotely appealing looking bug. Your pup sees an eight-legged, hairy creature from the bowels of hell, and thinks "I bet that shit tastes good". That's quite some common sense you're imparting there. Kudos.

"I was feeding my daughter in her high-chair, and before I knew it, she took the spoonful of food and threw it against the wall. There was food everywhere."

I don't give a dieing moose's last shit. I can throw food on the wall; everyone else with arms can as well. Is this the type of behavior you applaud in your home? Your child does so little correctly, that even incorrect things now become share-worthy? Fantastic.

"Today was my sons first day of kindergarten!"

Neat. Mine was 22 years ago. And nobody gave a shit.

*Physically showing me their kid*

Yup, that's a child alright. I can tell distinctly by the 0 sense it's making and the 0 contributions it's making to the world around it. I'm sure it took a lot of hard work to make, so good job.

The Problem With Today's STDs

By STDs, I of course am referring to the organisms called children.

They come in all different shapes and sizes, but all of them cause a foul discharge/odor.

You'll see their spoiled asses rolling around your local Wal-Mart with their shoes that have wheels in them...ANYONE that has shoes with wheels in them is a complete and utter dipshit, and that applies to whomever bought you the shoes as well.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why today's children are so much more retarded than generations of past children. I haven't figured the situation out 100%, but I have identified one key area of stupidity.

Part of the problem stems from the books children read/have read to them. They're full of candy-coated, happy, tingly images and stories. All of those images fit under one main category: false. Children grow up being spoiled and happy/retarded all the time because they think the world is a happy place where they can pet unicorns and shit gum drops.

In an effort to stem this problem at the source, I introduce to you the ONLY books my illegitimate children will get to read during their childhood. These show a gritty, seamy and accurate portrayal of the world so they won't grow up with any false ideas or hopes.

When they're 30 years old, they'll thank me for these works of art.

Learn to fear and respect them

No Timmy! You can't have another bike! Quit playing with the cervix across the street.

When they've expired, you just throw them away! Under some sand!

 I'm looking....and I have no idea. I shall continue looking.

Red rocket gives you a free sunroof. Which you never properly thanked him for.

I never liked that fucking guy. I mean come on...red skin and orange nose? Ridiculous.

And there's not a god damned thing you can do about it!

 He's a traitor to all stuffed gentlemen bears everywhere.

 mmmmm....it's green! Now with twice the E. Coli!

Quick honey! Get the video camera! We won't want to miss these memories!

 You can never trust a cat with a giant red and white hat around your children.

 Just as relevant today as when I read it all those years ago.

 Free mustache rides! From vermin!

 Now that you point that out, it does make more sense then just me doing it.

 Only sickos would find sexual humor in a monkey jerking a rope in front of a squirrel.

 That's why it's best to just give up after you find the six dogs wearing hats and eight crying kids.