Instagranasty

We don't need to have the excruciating daily minutia of your life documented via half-thought-out cell phone photos, wrapped in several layers of indescribably dumb effects. In much the same way that electronic music is for those not musically inclined enough to work an instrument, Instagram is a tool allowing hipsters lacking the creativity and knowledge to substitute a bunch of clicks and whistles in lieu of photos containing real content.

Whatever, man. I was into shittily composed photographs before you and your popular ground-glass tripod camera came on the scene. You've debased the whole thing.

Allow me to walk you through a documented day of the average Instagram user.

You began the day by squeezing into the bathroom of your studio apartment, where you partially shave your scraggly and ridiculous looking beard, leaving a sink full of broken dreams and unkempt hair. You photograph this start to your day as you feel it properly illustrates the juxtaposition between your nonconformity and the fact that your parents said you'd never be able to hold a real job.

Now shaven, but still unshowered, you don your skinny jeans and pile into your free-trade, farm-fresh Smart car, and drive down to your job as a cashier at a local indie music store that sells 8-tracks exclusively, because they're under-appreciated and superior in every measurable way. Along the way you pause to capture a grasshopper on your windshield, which you think captures perfectly the futility and uncertainty of life.

At lunch, you share with the world the majesty that is your sustenance, comprised of piles of tofu hotdogs and hemp french fries (no potato insects were harmed in the making of these, you savage). You feel the need to share your disgusting food pile with the world because, like all vegetarians, you see no point in not eating animals if you can't broadcast that fact to the world at every given opportunity. Plus, you love the way the light reflects of the high fructose corn syrup; it reminds you of Christmas morning.

Several hours into your shift, you begin the ritual ceremony of exercising the tofu demons from your butt. Using your "artistic" skills as a cover for your latent perversions, you try sneaking a few under-stall shots of the man saddled up next to you. Convinced that one of them perfectly embodies your views on corporate America, you post it for all the world to see.

After a full day of slaving away at telling others how incorrect their musical tastes are, you head home. Upon arriving, you begin indulging in what has become your favorite pastime over the past few months: spending all night watching your cat take awful shits stemming from the vegan diet you've forced upon it. Of course, nature is simply too beautiful for you to not sepia tone the shit out of your cat shitting, and share it on the internet.

Sweet Christ, no one cares. Stop attempting to capture the "wonderment" around you.

The inventor of the camera is surely rolling over in his grave. Please consider not desecrating the dead the next time you want to share your quirky surroundings and Family Circus moments.

The Fox News Game

Also known as the "Remember That One Thing That Happened That Was Obama's Fault? Fuck that guy" game

Tacitly, it seems that everything that happens in the US, and lots of things that happen other places as well, are Obama's fault. Even if they're woefully outside of presidential jurisdiction or reach, he's got his finger in lots of little fucked up pies, it seems. The goal of this game to find these things that happen on the Fox News website, and see how, through user-submitted comments, these things are rife with opportunities to make jabs at Obama, or any of their cute nicknames for him. Let us begin shall we:

Article Headline

Man accused of crushing teen's car with truck at Florida mud party

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Them there inbred rednecks are all Obama lovers..you cant fix stupid cause if you could, Obama would have more than S h it for brains"

Article Headline

Judge delays federal trial on Gulf oil spill disaster to allow more time for settlement talks

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Gas prices through the roof and Obama wants to waste US tax dollars suing the oil companies??? You realize whatever money they lose will only be recouped in higher gas prices. This is moronic. Obama, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Article Headline

Italian cruise ship adrift in pirate-infested Indian Ocean after fire

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"who is at the wheel? obama?"

Article Headline

Chewing tobacco ban for MLB?

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"If I was a player I would quit and leave them hanging. This is because of obama not because of the fans."

Article Headline

Guantanamo detainees get new $750G soccer field

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"I guess all the Dykeeees Obama appointed want something to do once softball season is over"

Article Headline

Iceman mummy may hold earliest evidence of Lyme disease

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"OOPS, SORRY FROM THE PHOTO I THOUGHT THIS WAS ANOTHER OBAMA STORY."

Article Headline

Massachusetts teacher facing child porn charges had secret cameras in classroom

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Obama sux ballz. Another liberal teacher, another child abuse story."

Article Headline

New insider trading law to open window into Congress members' financial transactions

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"We all know the first million Obama acquired, came from his Nobel non-peace Prize for literally doing not a single thing other than being a black American who ran for president of the United States."

Article Headline

Report: Government wasting 'tens of billions' of dollars annually on duplication, overlap

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"This just in......two excellent ways to immediately reduce our debt and improve our foreign relations: Air drop Obama and Biden over Kabul sharing one parachute and each carrying a burnt Koran!"

Article Headline

Israelis reportedly don't plan to notify US if decision made to strike Iran

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"You cant trust Obama, Israel has to protect itself. Fortunately for Israel they have a true leader with courage. Not a boney fingered wimp like the USA has."

Article Headline

Scientists see red on NASA cuts of Mars missions

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Listen to the pathetic Obama morons... Alomost four years later and they are still desperately searching for excuses to prop up that worthless, dope smoking, Märxïst wart, while he continues to stir the pot, pitting American against American."

Article Headline

Tunisia reportedly ready to offer asylum to Assad

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"I WISH THEY WOULD TAKE OBAMA AS WELL!"

Article Headline

UN agency seeks to quell fears over its plans for the Internet

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Sure. I trust the UN. Just like I trust Obama."

Article Headline

Remains of some 9/11 victims went to landfill, according to Pentagon report

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"And that my friends is where Obama, Biden, Reid, Geithner, Van Hollen, Schumer and Holder belong....in a landfill!"

Article Headline

Numerous Tea Party chapters claim IRS attempts to sabotage nonprofit status

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Now, KFC is offering the 'Obama Cabinet Bucket.' It consists of nothing but left wings and a s s h o l e s"

Article Headline

4 dead, dozens hurt after possible tornadoes rip through Midwest

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"No.Obama just let out to much hot air at one time."

Article Headline

Clinton says US is moving to impose tougher Iran sanctions

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Obama announces new tougher Iran sanctions....says henceforth he intends to pray only 4 times a day"

Article Headline

California bill would allow nurses and midwives to perform early abortions

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"'The more babies we ki!!, the less old people we'll have to ki!! with ObamaCare.' - The Obama Crime Family"

Article Headline

Senior Al Qaeda chief Saif al-Adel may not have been arrested in Cairo, official says

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Now Obama will bring him here and put him in charge of homeland security."

Article Headline

Florida woman arrested for allegedly burning 3,500-year-old cypress tree

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"She definitely looks like one of 'Obama's People' from the O.W.S. dregs.... A poster child for drug abuse....."

Article Headline

It's real! Navy test-fires first working prototype railgun

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"Didn't the Germans already do this 60 years ago? ...Boy Obama really does have us going backwards militarily. Can we shove Obama in there and fire him?"

Article Headline

Terror detainee objects to his courtroom sketches after pleading guilty at Guantanamo

Take That Obama, You Dickhead

"ALL rag heads suck pigs dicks from the day they are born,..... Including King Odumbo"

Sadly, I think a lot of talent is being wasted on these snide jabs at, and nicknames for, Obama. Instead of grasping out at straws, and blaming current events on him, I think it'd be far more rewarding to retroactively insult him for things that happened in the past.

The Korean war

Obama is friends with these communist f u c ks! We should go to war with him too!

A meteorite killed the dinosaurs

Another obamnazi conspiracy for he and his disgusting monkey friends to take over the world!

Water in Mexico gave me diarrhea in 1986

Fucking obuma-ma-ma is punishing my ass for not shoving d i c k s up it like his gay agenda wants!

The bubonic plague

A new part of Obamacare? Unbelievable. Bam bam and his jew rat friends won't stop until we're all dead!

My toilet has shit stains in it

That thieving Oblama-lama-ding-dong has been speaking his communist bullshit into my toilet! How does he get away with this?

Keep it up America. You're doing an awesome job.

Volunteers Needed

After seeing a desperate facebook advertisement looking for people to join the California volunteer firefighters, I felt filled with the gift of giving. I decided I'd help their cause by giving them some updated, trendy advertisements to help swell their ranks.

You want people to risk their ass? Pay them some damn money. I got news for you: if my house is on fire, then not surprisingly, I'm already a volunteer firefighter. I'm attempting to put that shit out, just as well as anyone with no formal firefighting training can. Why would someone sign up to get paid nothing for putting out other people's fires? That's what firefighters get paid for.

By the way, California also needs volunteers to either battle inner-city crime with nothing more than a handheld crosswalk stop sign, or someone to stand on a conveyor belt moving towards a large rotary saw. Both also unpaid positions...unless unnecessary personal risk is considered payment.

Kalifornia

California is not quite the liberal hippy nest that everyone that lives elsewhere portrays it as; it has its fair share of restrictive, and seemingly asinine laws and regulations. To help illustrate, I shall now point out, in order of ascending illegality / difficulty in obtaining, seemingly innocuous everyday things that I can't have in California.

Item:	Grapefruits imported from any U.S. state
Illegality Level:	Whoa there, buddy
Reason:	Fruits and vegetables are serious business. Business with biological weapons built in.
Difficulty to Obtain:	Without an appropriate form from the government certifying the fruit doesn't have bugs, or fruit AIDS, you'll kill Californians with your counterfeit fruit.
Punishment:	Hefty fines, and state mandated diarrhea from too much fruit consumption.

Item:	A .50 caliber hand-cannon
Illegality Level:	We'll most certainly take that away from you
Reason:	California has stupidly and unreasonably decided that a handgun that fires large machine gun rounds is somehow unsafe for any use.
Difficulty to Obtain:	Can't buy one, but you can build one. Because a hand-cannon bought at a licensed dealer is dangerous as shit, but if you make it in your basement, out of parts of other guns...can't see a problem with that.
Punishment:	It's undoubtedly inserted into your anus to 'teach you a lesson'.

Item:	Any ferret (with or without festive holiday outfit)
Illegality Level:	You want to go to prison? It seems you do; you own a ferret.
Reason:	And let's also not forget...let's not forget, Dude...that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city...that isn't legal either.
Difficulty to Obtain:	It's easier to get a hand-cannon. You must obtain a state permit that asserts that your home passes an inspection that certifies it as a decent place for a weasel to live, and that you're a competent human being that has both a solid history of immunizations, and an emergency plan should the weasel escape.
Punishment:	The ferret will be deported or smashed. The exact same fate awaits the person found to be in possession of the ferret.

Item:	Tinted front windows on a vehicle
Illegality Level:	Crisis adverted; I thought you wanted to tint your windows. Turns out you only want to assassinate a world leader. Carry on.
Reason:	Dark windows obscure what's happening inside a vehicle, making it unsafe for officers to approach them on traffic stops. The same reason I can't wear dark pants to public parks anymore.
Difficulty to Obtain:	Impossible. Can't have under any circumstance, even with a valid medical excuse. Perhaps you'd be interested in this low-yield nuclear weapon instead?
Punishment:	Death. Death by 1,000 $180 cuts.

Since I can't have ferrets, large caliber handguns, foreign fruits or not-skin-cancer, what the hell is legal to own in this place?

Item:	Tannerite, a two-part explosive
Illegality Level:	Exceedingly legal. Go right ahead.
Why the hell?:	Nothing could go wrong with making explosives at home, and thus there's no need to regulate it. I mean, after all, there's no ferrets involved.
Difficulty to Obtain:	Pretty hard. You have to have an internet connection, and a credit / debit card.
America:	Fuck yeah.

Johnny law is welcome to come take my ill-begotten fruits from me, but he'll have to deal with my hand-cannon when he does. Of course, he's welcome to come take my hand-cannon from me too, but he'll have to deal with my improperly feed ferret when he does. And he's more than welcome to come confiscate my ferret, but my tinted windows will prevent him from seeing the full extent of my ferreting. Naturally, he'll be forced to kill me for having tinted windows, but it's OK, because I'll hide all this under a pile of high-explosives I purchased off the internet, forcing him to think that I'm just an average, law abiding citizen.

In the grand scheme of things, it's both safer and more legal to strap 100 pounds of binary explosives to my chest and walk around the city, than it is to strap U.S. grapefruits to my chest. Priorities are now perfectly aligned.

California's most wanted criminal

Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics

Time for another installment of this ever-popular series. Unfortunately, however, it's still on the same subject of the Occupy movement. Likely as a result of their movement being so legitimate that their followers have to post asinine infographics on the internet to prove how legitimate it actually is. I understand how this is convenient method for them, however, given that their collective employment at The Apple Store affords them the luxury of being near computers all day. Hey, it's not my fault they keep making them.

Today's offender:

Allow us for a moment to indulge your analogy.

• It is possible that my disdain for the Occupy movement stems from being plugged into corporate America so much that I'm blind to their tyranny.
• It is possible that this all-controlling system is so ingrained into me that I'm simply denied the ability to comprehend an outcome to your movement that doesn't result in its followers becoming so frustrated they light themselves on fire out of rage, resulting in a long sought after net-positive outcome in the form of there simply being less of them around.
• It is possible that by being plugged into this system, similar to in the movie, it actually alters my perceptions of the world around me. For instance, could it be that in the real, unaltered world, Occupy members are heroic and wise warriors standing up against an evil that threatens to consume us all, while in this world the system makes them simply appear to be whiny, feckless hippies with seemingly no goal and even less means to accomplish it?

It's possible

• It is possible that, similar to the previous possibility, that the entire world around us is an elaborate ruse designed to keep the masses passive. It is possible that all the tent-dwelling Occupy members are advancing the real world, and ,indeed, our very freedom, by leaps and bounds through successful skirmishes with the establishment that traps us all. All the while, in this fabricated existence, it only appears that the Occupy movement is merely an unsuccessful riot akin to throwing a temper tantrum when another kid has the toy you wanted.

I suppose, however, that to the majority of us, your analogy is just seen as a futile attempt to bind the fantasy world in which you live to a scenario that's so frightfully stupid to us that we'd never be able to comprehend your motives without some pop-culture reference that indicates that it's simply over our heads.

I know times are rough for you all though, what with Apple revoking your Christmas bonuses for spending all five of your allotted sick days in a drum circle on Wall Street. At least it was only a virtual bonus though, only existing in fictional world, so you didn't actually miss out on anything.

Public Transit: Paddywagon O' Crazy

Reminded by a friend recently moving to a new city, and having to rely on public transit to shuffle him to and from his job, I flashed back to just a few years ago when I, too, relied on the moving petri dish that is public transit. Akin to Vietnam, it brought back horrible, awful, smelly memories.

I'm sure many of you haven't ridden on a major-metropolitan transportation system before, but despite the many glaring downfalls and drawbacks to the system, it's really not as bad as you think it would be. Sure it took me two hours to traverse the same distance I could cover in a car in 20 minutes, but where's the fun in that?

Public transportation isn't JUST about a cheap and painfully slow means to get anywhere you want to go, but really it's about the sights, smells and sounds you take in while en route to your destination. There's a venerable cornucopia of freaks, degenerates, foreigners, losers, social outcasts, disease infested carrier monkeys, people with only few functioning body parts, people with MORE functioning body parts than the rest of us, gang-bangers (in both the guns, and herpes varieties), prostitutes, drunks, crazies and should-be-shots, that all call the bus their ride.

Granted, I've never used public transportation in any other city, but I imagine that southern California's city bus experience is second to only places such as New York or Paris. Although many of you perhaps have not ridden on a city bus before, I'm sure the normal rules of the bus aren't foreign to anybody. There's three simple, and easy to follow rules that are posted on all buses and trolleys, probably in every city in the world:

What many don't realize however, is that these three are not the only rules that govern public transit etiquette.

Nay.

These three were just widdled down from a much larger list of do's and do not's for riding successfully and correctly. Through many months of careful observation, and a few leaked internal memo's, I've been able to track down the full list of rules.

		If you're too old and crippled to live without assistance, and you are barely (just barely) mobile...then the bus and all it's boarding procedures are right for you. Yes, there are approximately three steps required to getting on and off the bus, but you shouldn't be able to do any of them without everyone helping you. Ideally it should take you between 2-3 minutes, compared to everyone else's 10 seconds, to get on the bus and move 4 feet to the seats meant for old people. In a perfect world, you'd be so crippled that any steps at all are beyond your scope of operations, so that the bus has to deploy its little ramp/lift thing to hoist you up 16 inches, all so you can go to the Ralph's three blocks away, get some diapers, and do the whole process over again on the return journey.
		You must be this fat *hand estimation of ginormous* in order to get the full effect out of riding the bus. If the heavy duty air suspension of the bus has to give way, leading to it listing to one side as you board, that'd be great. And please have an ass so fat that you can't fit down the aisle between seats on your marathon to the back of the bus. Don't let this discourage you from attempting to and brushing everyone's shoulder with your ass-lard on the way, however. You couldn't get out of your house without a special door being installed, but don't give a second thought about trying to squeeze into the bus.
		Under no circumstances is any one to use the rear doors of the bus. There are two sets of doors on the bus, so that entering and exiting can take place at the same time; but it's far better if everyone uses the front doors concurrently, resulting in a time wasting clusterfuck for all parties involved. Even if you're near the rear, take the extra time to walk to the front so that the people waiting to get on have to wait just that much longer. Any amount of time wasting is appreciated.
		While some people may prefer to sit with the person they wish to communicate on the bus with, it's preferred that you sit so far apart that it would warrant using two cups on a string to communicate. Just go ahead and shout your poorly-constructed, and idiotic conversation through as many people as required to speak to your friend who chose to sit six seats away. Silence may be golden everywhere else, but you should try your best to fill the bus with your important conversation about purchasing stamps. Or that old chestnut "Shandra had her baby this weekend and it was totally cute, and as soon as she determines who the father is, she'll be able to afford a crib".
		You know what the best place to practice your dope-fresh rhymes is? The city bus. Your crazy, silly, whack-ass, bomb, sick, shit-dope, retarded rhymes, that 're are totally off the chain are great, and everyone knows it. What better place to free-style rap about your hard-knock, white, suburban, teenage, middle-class life than within earshot of 20 other mostly silent riders on a city bus. Nod your head to the invisible and silent beats as you come up with asinine after asinine limerick, about your life; which I'm sure is worthy of many MTV documentaries about. Sure the buses may not have a radio for our listening enjoyment, but surely you can do us all a favor and fill the silence with the majesty of your songs.
		While shirts and shoes may be required for service in any normal establishment, they merely hinder normal bus operations. Ideal candidates for bus/trolley travel will have the top half of a shirt on (so that it looks like some shitty version of a midriff shirt, if they were made by wolverines), three or four pairs of layered pants on, all of which are sagging and being generally worn improperly, and shoes made out of trash bags. The purpose of this glorious wardrobe decision is so that their bloated, distended, sun burnt belly can hang out freely and become both a source of disgust and puzzlement for all passengers on board.
		Sanitation is a good practice for most people. By most people I mean those that don't ride the bus. It's your civic duty as a public transportation passenger to reek of as many disgusting and confusing odors as possible. If I can properly identify what the fuck you smell like or I'm not breathing through my mouth as a last defense, then your job isn't quite done. Piss yourself, have others piss on you, roll in some chemicals, and bake in the sun for a few hours then get back to us.
		Let's say for argument sake that you as a full-grown adult, for one reason or another, shit your pants. Great start to a story, I know, but let's continue with it. Your pants are full of loaf; what do you do now? Find the nearest restroom and attempt to salvage your pants? Quickly hide, and find a way home that involves the least amount of being seen? Kill yourself? The correct answer is, of course, get on the city bus and continue on your busy, shit-filled day. When you sit down, be sure to lean to one side at a steep angle so as to not sit directly on your own feces. But don't worry, no one will have to guess what you're doing as the smell of shit will be quite strong. Once you reach your destination, simply get up, and walk your stained pants out the front door, dragging as much smell with you as possible. Then just wander around aimlessly on the streets paying no mind to the nutty situation brewing down south.
		Be a grown-ass adult Get on the bus Get to seat Calmly sit down Begin weeping uncontrollably and loudly Make it so loud and powerful that people move away from you Mission accomplished
		Drinking when under 21 is generally frowned upon by most responsible adults. Drinking when under 13, however, is always a good idea as far as the bus is concerned. Don't let 'the man' tell you what you can and cannot do. You're 13 now goddamit and you make your own choices! That's why you drink the only beer manly enough for a 13 year old: Natural Ice. And you drink it at the back of the bus in plain site of all people. From the six-pack you carry around in your backpack. Which you probably bought from bullying milk money out of other 13 year-olds. No beer tastes as sweet as ill-begotten bus beer.
		Fare: Check. Idea of where you're going: Check. Shame: Check that shit at the door. One thing you may never bring with you on any public transportation medium is your sense of shame. For if one brought their shame with them, they might have reservations about dry humping their woman in the back row of the bus, while she's trying to restrain her child from climbing out the window. There's nothing wrong with public displays of erections.
		Not only can you get to your destination economically, but only on the city busses can you also get delicious chlamydia at the same time. It may be cold or hot outside, so the best and most comfortable environment for hookers to conduct business is, of course, on the bus. All the potential John's come right to you, and are trapped for long periods of time where you can entice them with a combination of dirty talk and that "cold sore" on your upper lip. Is that a shit or cum stain on my bus seat? Yes! Mixed together! "Hey baby. You want to watch me put this umbrella in my ass? Only $10."
		No one can understand your troubles and the issues affecting your life better than you. So who better to have a loud and borderline-violent conversation with about said issues than yourself? Fucking whore? I agree! My medication costs too fucking much? That's correct! Charlies in the trees? True that!
		Buses are tricky and sneaky urban beasts, and as such they can easily sneak right up on you. With this is mind, it's totally acceptable to wait until you're on board the bus to dig out and rifle through all your money to find your fare. Once you've dug out your money, feel free to argue with the bus driver over the fare you actually have to pay to get to where you need to go. It's a little known fact that each bus driver makes up the fare for their own bus, so there's plenty of room to haggle with them. When you agree upon a price, simply take the required bills and slowly and carefully force them into the bill receptacle, so that they bunch all up are aren't accepted. When the machine beeps and attempts to reject your bills...and it totally will if you fuck them up like you're supposed to...simply keep pushing them into until the bus driver has to do it for you.
		If you know where you want to go, but aren't sure how to get there, feel free to just hop on any bus. Once in motion simply ask the bus driver about all the other routes, and what it is you should do to get to where you want to go. It's best to not have the foresight to research what buses will take you where. Who has the time for all that noise, when you could just look like a a dipshit who doesn't realize there's 75 bus routes and maybe they don't all go to the Yarn Barn you want to get to. But in the grand scheme of things, this foresight is unnecessary as it's common knowledge that bus routes aren't rigid structures, and are instead open to your input and needs. Where you need to go is only three blocks off the normal route, so the bus driver will be happy to adjust his and everyone else's needs so that you might get to where you're going with the least amount of walking.
		All children ride the buses for free, so go ahead and crank them shits out! 2, 3, 6, 15 kids, the more the better! And whatever you do, don't sit with or have any control over your spawns. It's best that they freely roam around the bus under their own guidance, and take up as many seats as possible by laying in them and climbing on them. With as cheap as it is to load all the screaming, misbehaving kids up into a city bus, there's simply no reason to not have 15 of the fuckers. If you can get 50% of them crying and/or pulling the cord to stop the bus, you can also ride for free! Everybody wins!
		You see those people on the bus that look pregnant? Don't be fooled...they're not. Whatever is brewing inside of them that allows them to maintain the physique of a woman harboring an eight pound larva inside, is strictly a lifestyle choice they've made. Is she an alien incubator? Is it a giant tangled web o' tape worm colony? Perhaps storing things in her snatch is cheaper than a purse? No one can say for sure, and we'd all be truly horrified if we actually found out. But no matter what's causing her physical distortion, the point is, don't feed her. Whether it's worms or tiny Mexicans being smuggled across the border, feeding her will only exacerbate the problem.

Holiday Abominations

Well, it's that time of year again. The time where the savior for all of those afflicted with crippling holiday fever reminds us of the important teachings from 2000 years ago.

And God spake all these words, saying, I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the house of low disposable income. Yay, I say unto thee, adorn thy horseless carriage with many trinkets and animal parts. For they are clever, and holy, and are wrought with praise and admiration for thine savior on high. And the lord God continued, saying, fear not if thoust should find ones carriage low in holy spirit, for these relics are chintzy and cheap, available at thine local Mart of Wals.

Tough titties. I don't care that god said it. If you put Christmas ornaments or fake reindeer parts on your vehicle, you should be forced to watch festive elves rape your family.

Nothing says holiday cheer like a red baboon ass on the front of your SUV

What is that? Did you have a front-end collision with Martha Stewart's cunt?

Both legal and awesome looking. You were going for the "tiny-bulb fairy shit all over my car" look, right?

Oh, we're acutely aware of the autism you're clearly afflicted with. News for you, reindeer-antler-sticking-out-window people, they look like three-pronged, fuzzy, brown dicks sticking out of your windows. Honestly, the dicks would be less nonsensical than antlers.

You know what anyone that puts obnoxious and insane holiday trinkets on their car is, don't you? They're a holiday ricer; taking part in some Fast & Furious movie centered around mentally-unbalanced mall Santas. In their minds, they think they're fundamentally different than the guy that converts his turd Geo Metro into a dinosaur.

To their credit, they're correct; they are different than dino car man. You see, unlike the mall-roving ornamental graffiti people, dino man has both the creativity and the wherewithal to execute his vision completely, and commits to it all year. Much better than your half-assed automotive nativity scene.

That's right holiday ricers, you're just as stupid but even less creative than the obviously handicapped dinosaur car guy. Just throw on your disgusting and gaudy holiday Cosby sweaters and accept the fact that to everyone you meet on the road, this is what you look like:

It's embarrassing shit like this that makes Jesus hide in, and only reveal himself from, some hillbilly's toast.

Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics

Today's Specimen

If "HUH" is the modern hipster equivalent of "Jesus Christ, are you serious? Oh, you are? Wow. Just wow.", then yeah, I suppose I'd agree with you. But for the sake of argument, let me see if I fully understand the poorly illustrated syllogism you've laid out:

Major Premise: Amassing in any space you can legally get to falls under first amendment protection

Minor Premise: Occupy groups are amassing in a place they could get to

Conclusion: All Occupy...occupations...are protected by the the US constitution

If I may, allow me to deconstruct your invalid claim through through the application of the following images:

This gathering in a space designed for gathering is fully legal.	This gathering in a space designed for gathering is not legal in any way, shape or form.

Using the original image provided, allow me to explain it further, since the Occupy people are likely to be missing the distinction. The Twilight Breaking Dawn camp, are coalescing there because they're attempting to use the publicly accessible, but still private, space to engage in consumerism, as the place that owns that location would very much enjoy them doing. This is super legal. You feckless Occupy people amassing in the very same location, for the express purpose of being there, and participating in absolutely zero acts of consumerism, are south of legal. The mall didn't build you that space so you could river dance and play hacky sack in it.

In very much the same way that your home is owned and controlled by you (assuming any of you Occupy people even have homes), and is open to the idea of having welcomed guests over. And yet, if a bunch of strangers tried to come in without your consent, that crosses the line into what we call home invasion.

You don't want strangers in your privately owned living room, and, luckily for you, no one is attempting to occupy your home. Similarly, these privately owned businesses and city-owned areas don't want a bunch of dickheads there either, so you all need to jog on. Private property is private property; you can't have it both ways.

The sad part is that because the interwebs are full of half-wits and hipsters, your shitilly prepared infographic may be construed as accurate, simply because you spent time making it.

Wow, he sure did spend time planning out and making that illustration for me. I shall equate his skills with Photoshop to his skills at understanding the real world, and appeal to his clearly superior levels of knowledge.

Want that fancy new car, but can't afford it? Occupy it.

Want to sex up that lady, but she is disgusted by you? Occupy her vagina.

God bless you first amendment.

FedEx: Setting The Bar As Low As It Goes

Every company has their particular foibles. Invariably they all have some crock of shit policy or way of handling things that leaves much to be desired. However, none have as many stupid policies that have given me as many bouts of irritable bowel syndrome as FedEx. Those conspiring fucks.

Organizations with the worst policies:

1. The Nazis
2. Westboro Baptist Church
3. FedEx
4. Every health insurance company
5. Super villain meetings

Please allow me to outline the primary and accurate ways in which FedEx unceremoniously fucks me, you and everyone via its services.

Mandated Shipping Bafoonary

The below table will outline the exact shipping timeline for a recent package I ordered with 3 day shipping on it

Date	Activity	Location	Details
18th	Picked up	Minnesota
19th	Arrived at FedEx location	Indianapolis
19th	At destination sort facility	San Diego
21st	At local FedEx facility	San Diego
22nd	At local FedEx facility	San Diego	Package not due for delivery
22nd	At local FedEx facility	San Diego	Package not due for delivery
22nd	At local FedEx facility	San Diego	Package not due for delivery
22nd	At local FedEx facility	San Diego	Go fuck yourself
23rd	Delivery at our discretion	San Diego	Hold your god damned horses

We can see that two days after I ordered the package, it was in my city. Yet it was two days after that before they began attempting delivery of said lovely box. Clearly, I ordered three day shipping on the package and they, quite foolishly, got it to its destination in only two days. Clearly this oversight could not go uncorrected.

Extrapolating turds of corporate stupidity from the delivery schedule, we come up with the following excerpt from the FedEx corporate guidelines

When a customer says "I'd like my package to come in no more than three days, please", by god, we'll sure as hell get it to them in no less than three days. Why, delivering it in any less than three days would be aspirational, and wholly unacceptable.

Should, by some unexplained bout of cognizance, a shipment arrive at its destination early, protocol dictates that you must deliver it between 1 and 3 days late, so as to remove any poorly speculated thoughts of competency.

It's better to waste time and warehouse resources by sitting on a package ready too early, then to set a reasonable and pleasant expectation with our consumers. Hell, if they wanted in a package in 2 days, instead of 3, they should have paid for overnight delivery.

Financial Rapery

You might be confused into thinking that since FedEx is loosely affiliated with couriering packages around the global landscape, that it might have a vague notion about accurate pricing models for said task. Yet, upon being tasked with shipping a package to another company, and collecting exorbitant fees to do so, we discover that HOLY SHIT there's a 100% chance of having to pay customs to get the package into said country. Should the upfront costs to the consumer reflect this cost? Absolutely not. Allow us again to refer to the FedEx corporate guidelines:

So as to best falsely curtail the expansive costs of global shipping to the end-consumer, FedEx subscribes to a very specific pricing model. Upon receiving a package from the consumer, and very precisely calculating transit costs (conscious of shipping them on a daily basis), FedEx mandates that you collect exactly 12% of the actual shipping costs from the consumer at this time.

The rest will be billed to their home address roughly 3 weeks later, with a feign sincerity about how it cost more than anticipated to deliver said package. This leaves the consumer with a exaggerated feeling that FedEx is a painless, and cost-effective choice in global shipping.

Sure, as a consumer analogy, if the shoppers at Wal-Mart paid for many goods, only to receive a bill in the mail later saying they owed Wal-Mart additional money not reflected in the suggested retail price of their items, they'd have their asses sued off. This shouldn't discourage us however. Why? Because fuck 'em. That's why.

Somewhere deep in the shipping contract you sign when you place in FedEx's charge a package of yours to be delivered, is a clause that basically whisks your normal financial practices away to a land where they're raped to death by hemorrhagic monkeys. In this clause, you give FedEx permission you charge you later for anything extra that it may cost them to do business on your behalf.

For example: If FedEx was being hit hard by fuel costs due to an increase in oil prices, they could opt to task an engineering firm to design and build a large cannon for the sole purpose of firing your package through the stratosphere to its destination. Alternatively, they could invest copious amounts of dollars into building a time machine, with the intent of bringing back crusaders from the 1100's to guard your package as it travels through foreign lands. In both of these cases, you would receive a bill and be expected to remit payment. How could they possibly have estimated these costs ahead of time, or amortized them in some way?

Financial Rapery 2: Electric Boogaloo

The exact same thing as above, only I'm the recipient of a package. Further making me intrinsically responsible for uncollected delivery fees the sender didn't pay.

Failure to submit to the either of the fiscal buttfucks above, naturally, results in legal claims or collections attempts against the end-user. Don't dare think your shipping experience is concluded, and that the money in your bank account is rightfully yours. It's FedEx's money, you just haven't been notified of that yet.

In Retrospect...

This was an exercise in poor judgement on my part.

HOW DID I EXPECT THIS TO GO WELL?!