Hobbles Answers Your Pressing Medical Questions

jchandy

My Special Time Of The Month

I'll be 12 in a few months, and my mother sat me aside last week to give me a little chat about something called 'my special time of the month'. She also called it a period, but she didn't go into detail as to what it was or why it happens, she just said it's me becoming a woman. I'm nervous about what it could be, could you enlighten me?

Hobbles
M.D.

Sure. A period is what happens when a woman goes batshit crazy, and her crotch goes supernova, for 30 days once every month.

You're eleven years old, and on the internet talking about your lady bits? Fool me three times, Chris Hansen, shame on me.

mercury-t

Bleed Me A River

I have had 3 nose bleeds in the past 10 hours. The first one was really bad. I couldve prbly filled a cup and a 1/2. And the second one was not as bad. The third one was almost as bad as the first one. What could it be caused from? I dont normally get nosebleeds. Im 20 and the last time i had a nose bleed was when i was 12.

Hobbles
M.D.

Sounds like ebola to me. Definitely ebola. Either that, for late-stage onset face AIDS. If I were a betting man, I'd bet it was either ebola of face AIDS. Unfortunately, although I am a betting man, I have no free funds left to bet, as I went all-in on the bet that between you and death, death would be victorious here. Anyone looking to make some quick cash should make that same wager; it's a safe bet.

b.d-betsy

An Old Wooden Ship

I'm an older woman, who's made the unfortunate choice of being a smoker for the last 20-something years. Recently, I've noticed that sometimes when I bend over and struggled to pick something up off the floor, like heavy bags, or when I sneeze or laugh too hard sometimes I have...an accident. I urinate a little bit, and I'm worried that it means I'm becoming incontinent. Is there anything I can do to combat this accidental leaking?

Hobbles
M.D.

Sweet Christ, that's gross. Gathering the courage to ask this question online is one thing, but how you muster the constitution to leave your home with this embarrassing-as-shit condition is beyond me. Here's a solution, drippy: put a tarp down in your home, where you inevitably live alone with several cats, and wait patiently for death to alleviate you of your disgusting ailment. The key to this plan is to never leave the damp comfort of your tarp. Boom! Problem solved.

gregUSC

Beets Me

This may be an odd question, but I've noticed that anytime I eat beets, my poop is quite red; is this normal? Could it indicate that something's wrong with me?

Hobbles
M.D.

Believe me, in my medical opinion, there's lots that's fucking wrong with you. I draw this conclusion from having had sex with many pre-med students, and having seen Total Recall not less than 25 times. So you can bet your ass I know what the hell I'm talking about, there, Shitty McShit Looker.

Jen.S

Is It Chilly In Here?

Are the bumps on my butt and on the backs of my arms pimples?

Hobbles
M.D.

Short answer: no. Long answer: those are tiny colonies of your virginity, futilely attempting to leave their orc-ish host to which they seem to be so cruelly affixed. Trapped in a symbiotic relationship, where they give you a lumpy hide that protects you from any potential mates, and you give them the sight of you masturbating in the Wendy's bathroom after drinking too much Mountain Dew.

Ren

Mr. Universe

So I want to wear a tank top to school one day cause it's been like 90 degrees for like a month straight and stuff.. But freshman year I played football and the pads made me get back acne.. It's a lot better now but there are scars and stuff on my back still and it's embarrassing.. I don't want people making fun of me. Advice?

Hobbles
M.D.

Valid concern. Allow me to better understand your issue by posing the following question: are you filming an episode of Jersey Shore, or are you just a woman? The only question for a man in which tank tops are the answer is "All these dudes around are making me erect. What shirt should I wear to let them know I'm down to chug the mayo?"

QtrPndr

Nope

Isn't it better to be fat? Think about it, you get what you want and don't have to worry about uncomfortable clothes; just where sweats. they are always warm in the winter and they are bigger meaning great self defense skills. Oh and i hear fat sex is the best. In fact studies show that fat males last longer than thin average sized males in bed.

Hobbles
M.D.

Stay tuned for tonight's episode of "Stuff lardasses say to justify being so lardassular", where QtrPndr faces the harsh reality that his neutron star-sized midsection is pulling communication satellites out of orbit, and faces harsh U.N. peanut butter sanctions as a result.

Twilight14

I Choose To Do This

My mom is screaming at me and yelling "why can't you control your coughing" while I am doubled over on the floor and almost gagging. I can't even sleep at night because of the coughing. She even said "why can't you cure it, its been a week". I am only 15 what should I do? I am taking Robitussin and cough drops and drinking a lot of water...

Hobbles
M.D.

The answer is quite simple: when she begins to yell at you, yell back as loud as you can "SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!". Also, do NOT allow her to give away your Waterpik to Lloyd Braun. Failing that, just call her a cunt, and shove her.

Tes420

God's Cruel Mistake

So, I just realized I have those wierd spots pregnant ladies get, but a bit faded on the edges, and, um... in a pretty weird place. And no I am not pregnant, Im a virgin and never even plan to mess around pre-mairrage.

There is 7-10 of these wierd spots on nowhere but my buttcheek. All in the shape of a circle, not just the edges of a circle, and pretty evenly spaced.

Once again, I apologize for the akwardness ... but I doubt you would be dying to go to the doctor to get your butt examined either.

Is that unusual? Is there a way to fix it? Must I see a doctor?

Hobbles
M.D.

First, we need to get a precise assessment of your bare ass cheeks, for scientific purposes. So I'm gonna need you to swing by my home. Second, thanks for the highly detailed description of your ass, which should help when I do the knuckle shuffle on my piss pipe later.

Bust_it_baby

It's Just Science

i have big lips. a lot of people say they're plump and pretty and everything & I always cover them in lip gloss lol because they get chapped easily. why do i have such big lips?

Hobbles
M.D.

Maybe you're black.

Katie

That's It, Just Keep Puffing, Don't Stop

I'm 20 years old. I've been smoking since I was 15. I smoke a pack a day and I'm far from what you would call "a social smoker". Last night I was smoking a cigarette and the first two or three drags I was fine but then every drag I took after made me more and more nauseous. I ended up putting out the cigarette after only smoking half of it and threw up right after. This has NEVER happened to me in 5 years of smoking. What does this mean?

Hobbles
M.D.

I wouldn't be too worried. My uncle had the same thing happen to him a few years back. Turns out what he thought was a cigarette was actually a clown's penis he was smoking. Were you also smoking a clown's penis? Cotton candy near the base of the shaft is a definitive test.

Charity

Turn That Frown Upside Down

I feel like there is no reason to be happy I have went through the hardest things in life and I'm just tired of everything.When I am happy someone or something I hear makes me sad :/ I may kill myself I'm sick and, tired of everything.I feel like theres no point in life. :'(

Hobbles
M.D.

I see your English composition skills committed suicide a while back. But what I find most upsetting is that Chinese food is made of cats. I mean, who knew?

Arnold

Fight Fire With Fire

Is strep throat and hot sauce a bad idea or good one that actually i can benefit from? will this help go away faster am think it hurt even more????

Hobbles
M.D.

You are correct in thinking you will benefit from this. If you don't believe me, ask someone to kick you in the dick (simulating your painful throat), and then alieve this newfound pain by sticking your prick in a fireant mound (simulating your sexy hot sauce mound).

The Effects of Juicing

Having started my rigorous juicing regiment not too long ago, I thought my readers would like to know about some of the numerous effects, both positive and negative, I've noticed in my life as a result of the fruit / vegetable intake.

Day 2

• Starting to feel an effect. Woke up this morning with more energy than usual. Life seems like more of a natural, zesty enterprise now
• It's not without its downfalls though, as I have now been farting non-stop for roughly 15 hours

Day 5

• Awful dog-farts continue to pour forth from mine ass
• I'm starting to see things more in focus than I can remember even seeing them in. Possibly time for new friends, as some people in my life that I thought were decent looking turn out to be rather troll-like

Day 12

• I feel exceedingly radiant and powerful. This must be what James Bond feels all the time. Perhaps that also explains my sudden urge to do some wildly irresponsible gambling?
• Farts have evolved into a continual pulpy seepage, ruining many a pair of khakis

Day 20

• Accidentally cut my thumb pretty badly when cutting up mangoes for juicing today. It bled for about 30 seconds, but 45 minutes later, there was no wound at all. Interesting...
• My right nipple appears to be making an electrostatic crackling noise

Day 27

• Despite not doing muscle-building exercises, I'm noticing some substantial muscle mass being gained in my arms, torso and legs. Time spent taking photos of myself shirtless in the mirror is spiraling way out of control
• Oddly enough, all farts and poops are gone. I mean entirely. My body has become some kind of super-efficient Thunder Dome, where one food enters, and no food leaves. This saves me roughly 90 minutes a day.

Day 35

• I'm able to suspend 55 pounds of weights from my erect penis. Beating my personal record of 12 pounds prior to juicing, which was set after a vigorous 6-hour Golden Girls marathon
• I'm not sure how it happened, but I feel three stories off the balcony at work today. Much to everyone's amazement, there wasn't a single scratch on me, and I got up immediately after the incident. The groundskeeper I fell on died almost instantly though, and I wish him all the best up in Mexican heaven

Day 49

• With very little effort, I ran a 5 minute mile today; I've never done that before. Oddly enough, the woman in front of me ran it in the same time. I'm still not sure what either of us was running from
• Even more surprisingly than that, I ejaculated for over 4 minutes continuously in the shower this morning. I've never logged those sorts of things before, but that time seems too remarkable to not be attributed to the juice

Day 53

• The mysterious boil which has plagued my crotchal region for several months now has appeared to wither up and disappear; I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I'm not sure if this is attributed to the juice or not, but either way, I can finally get back to J-Date now

Day 62

• Based off previous events, I wandered into the wrong part of town today after the sun went down. As expected I was summarily stabbed for being white and in the wrong place. However, as I also expected, the blade could not penetrate my skin, as it seems I'm now nearly impervious to blunt and sharp damage. Ironically enough, though, some of the assailant's words did cut rather deep

Here represented by my inner Asian woman

Day 70

• Woke up today and intrinsically knew how to speak Italian. Thanks lettuce!

Day 77

• I discovered this morning that I can now see through walls if I focus all my efforts on the task; coupled with my powerful juice-infused erections, this could be trouble

Day 91

• I'm not sure how this is biologically possible, but there doesn't seem to be any other possible explanation at this point...as of this morning, I appear to be pregnant somehow. Large gain in size and mass in the region where lady bits would be if I were a lady. I knew I should have worn a condom to that damn farmer's market

Day 98

• Woke up in the middle of the night with terrible pains in my thorax. Given my recent male-pregnancy I thought maybe I was having labor pains of some sort. Operating under this assumption and I ran to the bathroom and climbed in the tub, bracing for a water birth as I've seen happen on several TLC shows. After a short while, the pain migrated and transformed into a forceful vibration in my nutsack. Naturally, this event both made me hard and made me cry. Luckily, the vibration didn't last long, and quickly led to a concentrated beam of light firing out of my cock. This beam punched a hole in my ceiling, and presumably went far into space
• Everything seems normal after the cock laser event

Day 110

• The purpose of the beam has become clear. It was to signal the gods that I've attained the apex human existence, and that I was ready to transcend. I've become a Norse god; or maybe Jesus. One of the two.
• I've also recently acquired a really stellar beard

Inspirational Words For My Gym Friends

I wanted to commend you since I see you're up to 125lbs on the chest presses, Eastern Bloc man wearing stereotypical tracksuit and talking to himself in Russian. Nicely done comrade.

Looking good on those calf presses, man with world war 2 bomber navigator headphones hooked up to iPod. All the extra weight on your head probably is helping tone your neck as well.

Hello! I SAID HELLO! That's an impressive amount of weight you're able to dead lift there, man with ear buds blocking him from hearing his own aneurism-inducing grunts extremely forcefully on every rep.

I thought you didn't work out on Wednesdays? Either way, glad you could make it in today, woman with stretchy athletic pants with a seam sewed into them that bunches up in the anus region, making them resemble a pair full of dump.

I must say, you've had a great improvement in your form this week, compared to last, guy that works out in his business attire. Just because you're sweating profusely, there's no reason not to look boardroom appropriate.

You have great energy today, woman wearing full-length burqa, whilst carrying around a single free-weight, without ever actually using it. Keep that momentum going.

Those were some great ab curls you banged out there earlier; lots of energy and intensity. Keep up that great drive, group of free-range homosexuals congregating in the gym to talk about the TV show Glee.

Amazing stamina today, man who comes in to watch sports on the TV mounted on the wall by the free-weights, while doing no actual working out at all. You were in particularly good form when your baseball team did poorly, forcing you to stomp around the machines exclaiming "come on!"

Excellent performance on the stationary bike today. I must say it was quite impressive that you could pedal at 3.5 MPH for over 20 minutes, man that looks like Jesus, and spends his entire workout period talking on his cell phone.

You guys are improving quite nicely in your routine. Quite remarkable compared to just a few weeks ago, gaggle of squawking women coalescing by the treadmills.

Tremendous amounts of hustle on the bikes today, woman who's so rotund that she fills up the entire area between the seat and handlebars on the stationary bikes. Really good energy.

You're really making some headway today, congratulations. You've done a good amount of sets, woman that's nearing 80 years old and comes to the gym caked in makeup to the point where she looks like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

I applaud you on your seemingly endless amounts of energy, stocky man in one-piece spandex outfit that makes him looks like something out of a 1920s exhibit at a fitness museum. Should really come in handy when you box that kangaroo later.

It can be hard to stay motivated when it comes to your health, so I'm glad to see you made it in today, man with overpowering body odor, that never wipes down machines after use, and is apparently immune to noticing his own funky emanations.

I must say, that was an inspiring performance you put on over by the delt / pec machine, group of tweens roaming around the gym whilst all starring down at, and interacting with, their iPhones exclusively.

Excellent enthusiasm and energy on the floor today, man who's workout routine consists solely of watching himself run in place in front of the floor-length mirror.

Keep up the good work and the truly remarkable adherence to the principles of the buddy system, two old men that share a single machine. Each taking a turn doing a single rep, and then switching to let the other man do the same thing.

I appreciate your dedication, so it's too bad you couldn't join us today, angry man that drove to the gym, only to leave because the closest parking spot was half a block away, smashing his motivation and precluding him from actually making it inside the gym because walking is too strenuous.

Good work with the exercise ball, you have excellent core strength, woman wearing gaudy spandex pants eerily similar to the American flag pants worn at Rex Kwon Do in the movie Napoleon Dynamite.

And yes, these are all real people I've seen at the gym.