Every Damn Time

*In the checkout queue*

I must say, I'm surprised that they let women handle the money here. I never thought I'd live to see the day.

I own $36.42? Hmmm, alright.

I carry next to no actual American currency, but worry not, for I believe these food stamps should cover my bill.

What do you mean these are just regular stamps, and have no monetary value in this store?!

Luckily, I've brought this checkbook with me. Do you accept checks here?

I've had this trusty checkbook since 1954; ever since I helped to fight those godless Koreans.

Dagnabit!

Hmmm, after lengthy computation, I appear to only have $12 left in my account. I'll write a check for that amount, and then we'll settle up for the remainder.

What do you mean my bus pass doesn't count as a valid form of I.D.? I served in Korea!

Well, hold your horses now, I believe as far as the remaining balance of $24.42 goes, I just so happen to carry around this small satchel full of buffalo nickles; which will undoubtedly square us up.

Allow me to pay you with them one by one, as I count them out...

...forty one...
...forty two...

That reminds me, my youngest granddaughter is forty two years old, you know.

Now where was I?

...One...
...Two...

Meanwhile, everyone else behind the man attempting to barter with a chicken and two bushels of corn is simply wasting away from the passage of time.

Since I've long since died at this point I can only speculate, but I imagine that this man calmly leaves the store after finally paying for his goods, and quietly saddles up on his pet dinosaur he's had since he was a boy 70 million years ago, and gently rides off into the sunset. Content in knowing that he's ruined any plans that anyone had.

Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics

Today's Specimen

If "HUH" is the modern hipster equivalent of "Jesus Christ, are you serious? Oh, you are? Wow. Just wow.", then yeah, I suppose I'd agree with you. But for the sake of argument, let me see if I fully understand the poorly illustrated syllogism you've laid out:

Major Premise: Amassing in any space you can legally get to falls under first amendment protection

Minor Premise: Occupy groups are amassing in a place they could get to

Conclusion: All Occupy...occupations...are protected by the the US constitution

If I may, allow me to deconstruct your invalid claim through through the application of the following images:

This gathering in a space designed for gathering is fully legal.	This gathering in a space designed for gathering is not legal in any way, shape or form.

Using the original image provided, allow me to explain it further, since the Occupy people are likely to be missing the distinction. The Twilight Breaking Dawn camp, are coalescing there because they're attempting to use the publicly accessible, but still private, space to engage in consumerism, as the place that owns that location would very much enjoy them doing. This is super legal. You feckless Occupy people amassing in the very same location, for the express purpose of being there, and participating in absolutely zero acts of consumerism, are south of legal. The mall didn't build you that space so you could river dance and play hacky sack in it.

In very much the same way that your home is owned and controlled by you (assuming any of you Occupy people even have homes), and is open to the idea of having welcomed guests over. And yet, if a bunch of strangers tried to come in without your consent, that crosses the line into what we call home invasion.

You don't want strangers in your privately owned living room, and, luckily for you, no one is attempting to occupy your home. Similarly, these privately owned businesses and city-owned areas don't want a bunch of dickheads there either, so you all need to jog on. Private property is private property; you can't have it both ways.

The sad part is that because the interwebs are full of half-wits and hipsters, your shitilly prepared infographic may be construed as accurate, simply because you spent time making it.

Wow, he sure did spend time planning out and making that illustration for me. I shall equate his skills with Photoshop to his skills at understanding the real world, and appeal to his clearly superior levels of knowledge.

Want that fancy new car, but can't afford it? Occupy it.

Want to sex up that lady, but she is disgusted by you? Occupy her vagina.

God bless you first amendment.

Explaining the Unexplainable: People of Wal-Mart

For those that may not know, the eugenics movement in the United States was, in brief synopsis, a movement to improve the quality of societal members in future generations by sterilizing certain "unfit" groups of people to prevent dissemination of their genes. Several states adopted eugenics legislation, which was seen as a good idea...until the Nazis came along and showed them the unhappy end effect of believing certain groups of people are inherently better than others.

Silly me believing what I read, I assumed that eugenics (apart from genetic engineering) was pretty much dead in the United States. However, after starring in bewilderment at countless photos on peopleofwalmart.com, I'm forced to conclude that eugenics is alive and well. And that Wal-Mart operates as a identification and collection area for the dredges of society; an incorporated leper colony designed with the express intent to draw in the lake-monsters living in the general populous, in order to force mandatory sterilization upon them. What else could it be?

The photos I found on the site so confounding and perplexing on many levels, that no matter how much logic I applied to them, I could not suss out how the situations photographed came to be knowingly actualized in the real world.

Given that I could not come up with rational explanations for any of the photos, I instead must now force upon them the only irrational, but still conceivable, scenarios that led up their existence.

In the foreign world of far-eastern spice trading, little is known of the western world. However, this gentleman was given, possibly in exchange for some fennel or mace, a 1980s American workout VHS tape. The culture shock was immediate and jarring; forcing this sole proprietor to give up his trade and seek out the cultural home of his new-found idol.

In a truly tragic turn of events, a shoeless, diaper-wearing sky diver failed to check the structural integrity of their harness; resulting in the ultimate failure of their parachute system. The crucial system was jettisoned from the unfortunate soul, who proceeded to crash through the roof of a local Wal-Mart; landing directly on top of an unsuspecting shoe shopper trying on a pair of size 7's.

While traditionally native to Venezuela and other South American nations, this capybara was not dissuaded by geography. Unbelievable deals on Cheetos and housewares forced this particular capybara to trek the thousands of miles required to live the sweet, sweet economic dream it had longed for. The purple harness is just to restrain is from consuming all tremendous deals in its vicinity.

Like a modern day Noah of biblical times, this blessed elder woman was given lordly knowledge of an impending catastrophe. Instructed by the lord up high to prepare for a deluge that would wipe all the unworthy from the earth, Betty water-proofed her most precious and holy cotton candy pile by affixing it to her head, wrapped in a flood-proof plastic sack.

What may seem horribly, horribly off-putting at first glance, is actually a true tale of heroism. By some unexplained mechanism, a new-born infant had become trapped inside the blood pressure testing machine. This burly and brave man, seeing that no one else was capable of helping the starving infant, offered up his lactating and bologna flavored man-boob to satiate the poor child.

Clearly this man just finished a rigorous cardiovascular workout routine, and is re-hydrating whilst regaining his composure after engaging in his very active lifestyle.

Initially it looks as though, through some unimaginable series of events, this woman managed to put a shirt, socks, and shoes on whilst still neglecting to wear pants of any sort. The truth is that she had a pair of legitimate pants on, but narrowly escaped a run in with kodiak bear in the parking lot; where her pants were the only casualty. Being the trooper that she is, she didn't let this altercation impede her from buying cleaning supplies.

Not an out of the ordinary situation: you're at home, pantsless, and you get that dire call that forces you to rush to Wal-Mart to look at posters of the cast of Jersey Shore. In your haste to get to the poster before they're all nabbed up, the only pants you find are a pair belonging to your 8 year-old, daddy-less, daughter. 1 tub of Crisco and 2 confusingly individual butt-cheeks later, you've successfully donned the pants and away you go. Happens all the damn time.

In the 1960's a government experiment known as the Philadelphia project used theories from Nikola Tesla to allow inter-dimensional / time-travel via advanced electromagnetic properties. One of the unintentional outcomes of this experiment was the arrival of the traveler spotted in this photo; hailing from a time and place where she was paradoxically at the Wal-Mart before donning her shirt.

What originally appears to be a total fashion mystery at a cursory glance, makes more sense when viewed through the eyes of an economist. Installment plans allowed for this uniquely disadvantaged person to purchase the first third and last third of their pants, while paying for the middle third on a schedule that fits their particularly crippling budget.

At first glance, the average user might be confused into thinking this retail-dweller is nothing more a shambly wildebeest, desperate for attention and fuel for her diabetes. But nay. What you are actually witnessing is a resourceful innovator, doing some real-world tests of her latest pragmatic invention: "Soul Pants". Acting as a window into the soul, and very akin to the mood rings of the early 90s, this device allows everyone to see the cognitive desires the wearer.

Actually, I'm not even sure why this one is here; it's not that confusing. This is just a photo of two of the newest cyborg door greeters being employed by Wal-Mart; prior to being activated. Although, I can see how people might have been confused into thinking it was possibly two fuck-heads in plastic outfits and duct tape costume heads.

I Want Out...Permanently

I'm want out of this spam operation.

95% of mail is the following, by volume:

• 12 page booklets of local grocery coupons
• Perpetual reminders of the "one weekend only" local furniture sale that's been running for over 6 weeks
• Tempting 45.8% APR credit card offers
• Balance reminders that I still owe $0 on that credit card from two years ago
• Buttplug and sex swing mail-order catalogs addressed to a resident who probably lived here during the Nixon era
• Local "buy 7 entrees, 7 drinks and 7 desserts, and get 1 entree of lesser value for free" coupons

The mailbox is nothing but a reverse trashcan, and I'm done with it all. You're dead to me, mailbox. You hear me, you filthy metal cocksucker!?

YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!

Calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.

Oh, yes, I am.

What about your bills?

The bank can pay 'em.

*Scoff* The bank... What about your cards and letters?

E-mail, telephones, fax machines...

...Fedex, telex, telegrams...

...holograms!

All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you
think, you're so clever for figuring that out?

National Treasure

When asked what the national treasures of America are, most citizens would be inclined to ramble off the cliché answers we've all been engrained with:

• The Statue of Liberty
• The White House
• Waving fields of freedom with unicorns foraging in them
• The Paris Hilton sex tape

Sadly, this list has become quite antiquated. The modern treasure equivalent to those items might surprise you, however. It's the pinnacle of modern societies abilities, and has a near priceless value. It's something that whilst having the most stringent security measures to protect it, is still prevalent enough to exist in every city in America. I speak, of course, about:

Truly, these Quattros represent the true spirit of American ingenuity, and are protected with a commensurate battery of defensive systems anywhere they are stored.

Despite the barrage of protective measures I knew existed, I took it upon myself to embark on a quest to obtain a single one of these treasures; knowing it would not only cement my bravery, but also accent my bathroom quite nicely.

Upon locating a local repository for these priceless artifacts, I began the meticulous process of becoming their new, proud owner. With direct intentions and a true heart, I keeled down before their storage alter, and asked the lord up high that should he find me worthy, to please allow my journey be a successful one. Having recognized my righteous constitution, the word came down from on-high that I would be presented with a series of three tasks:

1. To stake my claim, I must withstand a furious aural onslaught from a brood of Mexicans furiously attempting to procure a specific, but concealed, type of bodywash nearby. This will be fraught with many bouts of screaming, being hit with a shopping cart, and nearly vibrated to death from the incessant rolling of R's
2. To penetrate the nearly impervious containment device the Quattros are housed in, I must then summon the androgynous giant known as the "keymaster". Should I survive the decades it takes for the creature to finally arrive at the device, I may move on to the next task.
3. I must now prove myself to the hermaphroditic being by answering a riddle: which of its 30 keys is the one that unlocks the chamber of Quattros?

With the lord's guidance, and endless amount of patience invested in the quest, I finally managed to obtain from the "keymaster" a single box of Quattros with which to bless my home. There was a soft sound of trumpets playing, and many butterflies a-twittering' as I held my Quattros up high, for all fellow citizens to see. "Look upon me citizens! I am now a proud owner of a true treasure of our times. My skills and determination have yielded me a true trophy of our modern society! I have suffered through inordinate amounts of waiting, and dealt with the terrifying bull-dyke, so that I may be one of the few and the proud!"

I then proceeded to the check-out counter, where I paid 37,392 fucking dollars, and 82 damn cents, to own such a wonder in my home.

I lived poor, but shaven, for the rest of my life.

Non-FCC Approved Advertisements

Thanks to stringent FCC regulations, all of you delicate people and your Faberge children are safe from naughty, murderer-creating, funny, interesting and generally creative television and radio broadcasts. I'd hate to live in a place where off-color language and suggestive images are allowed to permeate into my home...like Europe. Fuck that place.

After illegally digging through the FCC's Standards and Practices division's files and having a good rummage through them, I thought I'd share some of the terribly dangerous and disapproved slogans / advertisements that were submitted by some common-place companies over the years.

	1951 - Unsubstantiated and Vulgar "Coca-Cola Makes You Impotent. Have a Youthful Cock with Pepsi" 1959 - Derogatory "Don't be a Damn Commie, Drink Pepsi" 1965 - Vulgar "Be Young, Get Handjobs In Your Dad's Mustang, Drink Pepsi" 1967 - Denigrating "The Choice of Both Draft-Dodging Hippies and Real Americans Alike" 1981 - Unsubstantiated and Salacious "You're Safe From the Gay's AIDS. You're Part of the Pepsi Generation"
	1905 - Unsubstantiated "Coca-Cola Satisfies and Makes You Invincible. Seriously. Invincible." 1907 - Vulgar and Salacious "More Cooling and Refreshing Than a Big Ol' Titty" 1955 - Derogatory "The Pepsi Logo Looks Like a Fat Ninny. You Don't Want to be a Fat Ninny, Do You?" 1974 - Vulgar and Derogatory "Nixon is a Conspiritus Prick. Choose America's Real Drink"
	1955 - Unsavory "Not Even Atom Bombs Can Stop Innovation" 1969 - Unsubstantiated "We Put a Man on the Moon" 1979 - Vulgar "It's Not Cheap Shit. It's a Sony" 1985 - Derogatory "TVs Bigger Than Your Expansive American Wife" 1989 - Unsavory "Technology So Surprising That It'll Sink Your Pacific Fleet"
	1960 - Derogatory "Visa. Live Well Beyond Your Means You Vagabond" 1967 - Derogatory and Vulgar "Visa. Your Neighbor is a Cunt. Buy That Bigger TV" 1981 - Vulgar and Salacious "Visa. New Tits Are Only $5,000. Think About It"
	1952 - Vulgar and Unsubstantiated "Is That Bayer Aspirin? If Not, It'll Make Your Cock Fall Off" 1964 - Unsubstantiated and Sexist "Bayer Aspirin Makes Your Wife Nearly Silent" 1973 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading "Take it for Pain. Take it to Make it into Heaven"
	1972 - Vulgar and Salacious "Only the Most Expensive Hookers Wet Your Dick. Treat Yourself to a Ferrari" 1974 - Vulgar and Sexist "No Ferrari in Your Garage? You Have a Clitoris" 1984 - Vulgar and Derogatory "Miami Vice is for Fags. You Deserve a Real Ferrari"
	1928 - Vulgar "Other Ground Corn Flours Are Shit" 1942 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading "We Use ONLY Grains That Are Guaranteed to Not Give You Polio" 1953 - Misleading and Unsavory "The Only Cereals That Are Strictly Anti-Child Rape"

Insane Terry's Furniture And Cell Phone Trough

I'M INSANE TERRY AND I INVITE YOU ON DOWN TO INSANE TERRY'S FURNITURE AND CELL PHONE TROUGH THIS WEEKEND FOR OUR BI-ANNUAL FULL-MOON INSANITY SALE!

WE WON'T BE UNDERSOLD THIS TIME! I KNOW I PROMISED YOU THAT LAST TIME, BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT GREG HAS BEEN FIRED, AND THIS TIME WE MEAN BUSINESS!

WANT AN IPHONE? WANT A LIVING ROOM SET? WANT A TRY YOUR ASS ON OUR LARGE STOCK OF COUCHES WHILE BEING AMUSED BY THE SILLY ANTICS OF THE TRAINED CIRCUS MONKEYS WE RENTED? WITH PRICES THIS LOW AND WITH THREE AVAILABLE COLORS, YOU'D BE STUPID TO NOT TO!

WE HAVE THE LOWEST PRICES YOU'LL EVER SEE ON NAME BRAND FURNITURE AND CELL PHONES!

YOU MAY ASK "HEY, INSANE TERRY, HOW DO YOU GET SUCH ROCK BOTTOM PRICES?", AND "HEY, INSANE TERRY, WAS THAT A CHICKEN I SAW OVER BY THE OTTOMANS?"

SIMPLE! WE BUY DIRECT FROM THE FACTORY SO AS TO SECURE THE LOWEST PRICES FOR THE CONSUMER! AND YES, THAT WAS A CHICKEN! THAT'S PART OF TERRY'S PROMISE OF LOW PRICES TO YOU! BY RENTING OUT PART OF THE UNUSED STORE SPACE AS A DAY CARE AND CHICKEN FARM, WE CAN PASS THE RENT SAVINGS ON TO YOU!

YOU SIMPLY CANNOT PASS UP THESE INSANE PRICES! INSANE TERRY DOESN'T EMPLOY CONVICTS AND UNDERAGE CHILDREN FOR HIS HEALTH, FOLKS! HE DOES IT BECAUSE HE'S SERIOUS ABOUT BRINGING YOU THE LARGEST STOCK OF THE MOST ADEQUATE FURNITURE AND CELL PHONES AT THE LOWEST PRICE IN NORTH AMERICA!

AND DON'T FORGET, ALL FURNITURE AND PHONES FROM TERRY'S COME WITH TERRY'S UNCONDITIONAL SATISFACTION GUARANTEE AND SAME DAY DELIVERY! IF YOUR FURNITURE ISN'T THE MOST COMFORTABLE RECYCLED ASBESTOS AND ALPACA SHAVING BASED FURNITURE YOU'VE EVER OWNED, OR IF YOUR PHONE'S LEAD CONTENT CAUSES HEARING PROBLEMS OR KIDNEY MALFUNCTION, SIMPLY RETURN THEM FOR THE FULL PURCHASE PRICE!

AND IF ONE OF OUR EMPLOYEES THREATENS YOU WITH VIOLENCE, OR FOLLOWS YOU HOME AND COMMITS HOME INVASION, GOOD OL' TERRY WILL GIVE YOU A FREE RECLINER!