Inspirational Words For My Gym Friends

I wanted to commend you since I see you're up to 125lbs on the chest presses, Eastern Bloc man wearing stereotypical tracksuit and talking to himself in Russian. Nicely done comrade.

Looking good on those calf presses, man with world war 2 bomber navigator headphones hooked up to iPod. All the extra weight on your head probably is helping tone your neck as well.

Hello! I SAID HELLO! That's an impressive amount of weight you're able to dead lift there, man with ear buds blocking him from hearing his own aneurism-inducing grunts extremely forcefully on every rep.

I thought you didn't work out on Wednesdays? Either way, glad you could make it in today, woman with stretchy athletic pants with a seam sewed into them that bunches up in the anus region, making them resemble a pair full of dump.

I must say, you've had a great improvement in your form this week, compared to last, guy that works out in his business attire. Just because you're sweating profusely, there's no reason not to look boardroom appropriate.

You have great energy today, woman wearing full-length burqa, whilst carrying around a single free-weight, without ever actually using it. Keep that momentum going.

Those were some great ab curls you banged out there earlier; lots of energy and intensity. Keep up that great drive, group of free-range homosexuals congregating in the gym to talk about the TV show Glee.

Amazing stamina today, man who comes in to watch sports on the TV mounted on the wall by the free-weights, while doing no actual working out at all. You were in particularly good form when your baseball team did poorly, forcing you to stomp around the machines exclaiming "come on!"

Excellent performance on the stationary bike today. I must say it was quite impressive that you could pedal at 3.5 MPH for over 20 minutes, man that looks like Jesus, and spends his entire workout period talking on his cell phone.

You guys are improving quite nicely in your routine. Quite remarkable compared to just a few weeks ago, gaggle of squawking women coalescing by the treadmills.

Tremendous amounts of hustle on the bikes today, woman who's so rotund that she fills up the entire area between the seat and handlebars on the stationary bikes. Really good energy.

You're really making some headway today, congratulations. You've done a good amount of sets, woman that's nearing 80 years old and comes to the gym caked in makeup to the point where she looks like Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

I applaud you on your seemingly endless amounts of energy, stocky man in one-piece spandex outfit that makes him looks like something out of a 1920s exhibit at a fitness museum. Should really come in handy when you box that kangaroo later.

It can be hard to stay motivated when it comes to your health, so I'm glad to see you made it in today, man with overpowering body odor, that never wipes down machines after use, and is apparently immune to noticing his own funky emanations.

I must say, that was an inspiring performance you put on over by the delt / pec machine, group of tweens roaming around the gym whilst all starring down at, and interacting with, their iPhones exclusively.

Excellent enthusiasm and energy on the floor today, man who's workout routine consists solely of watching himself run in place in front of the floor-length mirror.

Keep up the good work and the truly remarkable adherence to the principles of the buddy system, two old men that share a single machine. Each taking a turn doing a single rep, and then switching to let the other man do the same thing.

I appreciate your dedication, so it's too bad you couldn't join us today, angry man that drove to the gym, only to leave because the closest parking spot was half a block away, smashing his motivation and precluding him from actually making it inside the gym because walking is too strenuous.

Good work with the exercise ball, you have excellent core strength, woman wearing gaudy spandex pants eerily similar to the American flag pants worn at Rex Kwon Do in the movie Napoleon Dynamite.

And yes, these are all real people I've seen at the gym.

I Think I Was Punk'd

Are you:

• A middle-aged man?
• Devoid of everything normal in life?
• Desperate for mental stimulation?
• Have no concept of public and private space?
• Not afraid to become despised by those around you?
• Absolutely bewildered by everything around you?
• The George Steinbrenner character from Seinfeld?

If you answered yes to all of the above, you belong at the pizzeria down the street from me. Please enjoy these very real conversations the aforementioned man likes to have there, while waiting for his pizza, in an outdoor voice, with no input from anyone else in the establishment.

What, what is uh, that there? Right there. On the menu right there. What's that about? Broccoli?

You can put broccoli on a pizza?

I never thought I'd live to see the day. That's wild, man. Really wild. Broccoli, that's a new one. Didn't think when I came in here that I'd be confronted with an option for broccoli. Wild stuff. Wild stuff.

What's the texture of that broccoli? Hmmm? Is it, like stringy and crunchy? Or mushy? Do you cook it on the pizza?

I wonder what that does to the broccoli. Could do anything do it, maybe it makes it mushy. Does it become mushy when you cook that broccoli there? Mushy?

If you were to guess, how many nodules would you say are on a single piece of broccoli? You know what I'm saying? The little nodules? How many just on one piece? I bet it's a lot. It's got to be a lot; they're so tiny. Don't you think so? Nature is amazing.

Broccoli, wow. That's truly some amazing stuff.

Broccoli.

Wild.

Pheeeeewwwwww. That's a really amazing bathroom you have got there. Truly one of the finest I can recall. A shining beacon as far as bathrooms go.

You should be very proud of that bathroom you have there. Did you know that? Stellar. Stellar bathroom. The experience was excellent from the top to the bottom.

What kind of toilet paper was that in there? Was that some sort of commercial-grade stuff? That was some high-quality toilet paper, let me tell you. Supple is the only word to describe it. Supple.

I've tried 1-ply paper before. I've tried 2-ply paper before. But that was better than both. 1-ply, 2-ply, and then your paper, in ascending order of enjoyment. Supple. My butthole has never felt so pampered, let me tell you.

The other people in here are really doing themselves a disservice by NOT going in there and giving your supreme paper a drag across their ol' anus. Really missing out. Re-e-e-e-ally missing out. That's for damn sure.

Was that lilacs I smelt in there as well? Lilacs perhaps? I gotta tell ya, for me, it doesn't get better than lilacs, as far as bathroom scents goes. Yes sirree. I will be yelping about my nose and anus' palatial treatment when I get home, I'll say that right now.

*cell phone ringtone begins to play*

Oh my, what a delightful sound that was. Did you hear that? You hear that delightful electronic sound?

Some manner of electronic bliss just filled the room. Did you hear it? It was springy and jingly; absolutely delightful.

Think I can get my phone to play that? They're both phones, so they should be able to, correct? That phone and mine? Then we can both have that heavenly tone to share with others. Oh, how delightful that'd be.

How many hertz do you think that tone played at? Hertz? Cycles per second; that's what that is. Do you think it was a low number or a high number? I bet it was higher, it was so breezy and enjoyable. Probably a higher number of hertz, don't you agree?

"Beep boop deedly doo bring bring boop", love it!

For the TL:DR crowd, here's all three scenarios summed up in simple emoticon form:

Food Jockey	Worthless Patron	Me	Everyone else

Explaining the Unexplainable: People of Wal-Mart

For those that may not know, the eugenics movement in the United States was, in brief synopsis, a movement to improve the quality of societal members in future generations by sterilizing certain "unfit" groups of people to prevent dissemination of their genes. Several states adopted eugenics legislation, which was seen as a good idea...until the Nazis came along and showed them the unhappy end effect of believing certain groups of people are inherently better than others.

Silly me believing what I read, I assumed that eugenics (apart from genetic engineering) was pretty much dead in the United States. However, after starring in bewilderment at countless photos on peopleofwalmart.com, I'm forced to conclude that eugenics is alive and well. And that Wal-Mart operates as a identification and collection area for the dredges of society; an incorporated leper colony designed with the express intent to draw in the lake-monsters living in the general populous, in order to force mandatory sterilization upon them. What else could it be?

The photos I found on the site so confounding and perplexing on many levels, that no matter how much logic I applied to them, I could not suss out how the situations photographed came to be knowingly actualized in the real world.

Given that I could not come up with rational explanations for any of the photos, I instead must now force upon them the only irrational, but still conceivable, scenarios that led up their existence.

In the foreign world of far-eastern spice trading, little is known of the western world. However, this gentleman was given, possibly in exchange for some fennel or mace, a 1980s American workout VHS tape. The culture shock was immediate and jarring; forcing this sole proprietor to give up his trade and seek out the cultural home of his new-found idol.

In a truly tragic turn of events, a shoeless, diaper-wearing sky diver failed to check the structural integrity of their harness; resulting in the ultimate failure of their parachute system. The crucial system was jettisoned from the unfortunate soul, who proceeded to crash through the roof of a local Wal-Mart; landing directly on top of an unsuspecting shoe shopper trying on a pair of size 7's.

While traditionally native to Venezuela and other South American nations, this capybara was not dissuaded by geography. Unbelievable deals on Cheetos and housewares forced this particular capybara to trek the thousands of miles required to live the sweet, sweet economic dream it had longed for. The purple harness is just to restrain is from consuming all tremendous deals in its vicinity.

Like a modern day Noah of biblical times, this blessed elder woman was given lordly knowledge of an impending catastrophe. Instructed by the lord up high to prepare for a deluge that would wipe all the unworthy from the earth, Betty water-proofed her most precious and holy cotton candy pile by affixing it to her head, wrapped in a flood-proof plastic sack.

What may seem horribly, horribly off-putting at first glance, is actually a true tale of heroism. By some unexplained mechanism, a new-born infant had become trapped inside the blood pressure testing machine. This burly and brave man, seeing that no one else was capable of helping the starving infant, offered up his lactating and bologna flavored man-boob to satiate the poor child.

Clearly this man just finished a rigorous cardiovascular workout routine, and is re-hydrating whilst regaining his composure after engaging in his very active lifestyle.

Initially it looks as though, through some unimaginable series of events, this woman managed to put a shirt, socks, and shoes on whilst still neglecting to wear pants of any sort. The truth is that she had a pair of legitimate pants on, but narrowly escaped a run in with kodiak bear in the parking lot; where her pants were the only casualty. Being the trooper that she is, she didn't let this altercation impede her from buying cleaning supplies.

Not an out of the ordinary situation: you're at home, pantsless, and you get that dire call that forces you to rush to Wal-Mart to look at posters of the cast of Jersey Shore. In your haste to get to the poster before they're all nabbed up, the only pants you find are a pair belonging to your 8 year-old, daddy-less, daughter. 1 tub of Crisco and 2 confusingly individual butt-cheeks later, you've successfully donned the pants and away you go. Happens all the damn time.

In the 1960's a government experiment known as the Philadelphia project used theories from Nikola Tesla to allow inter-dimensional / time-travel via advanced electromagnetic properties. One of the unintentional outcomes of this experiment was the arrival of the traveler spotted in this photo; hailing from a time and place where she was paradoxically at the Wal-Mart before donning her shirt.

What originally appears to be a total fashion mystery at a cursory glance, makes more sense when viewed through the eyes of an economist. Installment plans allowed for this uniquely disadvantaged person to purchase the first third and last third of their pants, while paying for the middle third on a schedule that fits their particularly crippling budget.

At first glance, the average user might be confused into thinking this retail-dweller is nothing more a shambly wildebeest, desperate for attention and fuel for her diabetes. But nay. What you are actually witnessing is a resourceful innovator, doing some real-world tests of her latest pragmatic invention: "Soul Pants". Acting as a window into the soul, and very akin to the mood rings of the early 90s, this device allows everyone to see the cognitive desires the wearer.

Actually, I'm not even sure why this one is here; it's not that confusing. This is just a photo of two of the newest cyborg door greeters being employed by Wal-Mart; prior to being activated. Although, I can see how people might have been confused into thinking it was possibly two fuck-heads in plastic outfits and duct tape costume heads.

Haters Gonna Hate Play Date

As many of you may have been able to glean from this this blog, I fancy myself quite the hater. Women, children, tards, minorities, people with possessions, people without possessions, people that are clearly having fun, people that are clearly pissed off: it matters little. If I see them, I'll hate on them.

However, for every one of me, there are at least twelve people that just don't give a fuck. These people let their freak-flag fly, and let the haters hate. Luckily, I've recently become aware of a special meeting of a few of these like-minded hater-impervious creatures. This meeting took place just outside Bakersfield, California, and I was lucky enough to capture some images and information about just what took place there.

First to arrive was African entrepreneur Tiny Coleman, fresh from his local village where he
is the subject of much hate due to his success despite his impoverished surroundings.
Sources indicate that he also doesn't require the eye-patch that he's often seen wearing.
He just likes it, and doesn't give two turtle shits what you think.

Shortly after Tiny Coleman, Strutty The Eagle made an appearance at the event.
Often criticized by his peers for refusing to fly, instead favoring a patented swagger.
Evolutionary purpose and expected behavior be damned, Strutty simply doesn't care.

Early in the evening, the hate-immune crowd was joined by a face familiar to all
of them. Father Faggy O'Malley blessed the growing crowd and entertained them
with his colorful interpretive dances. O'Malley is famous amongst haters for being
an openly homosexual priest, who, like a trooper, takes the molestation charges
and keeps on hopping and twirling; and dancing too.

Arriving next was a relative new-comer to the scene, Gobbler the street-walking Evangelical turkey.
Despite local wildlife ordinances and numerous capture attempts by Animal Control, Gobbler
remains steadfast in his conviction to strut around doing his "Jesus on the cross" impression.

Not long after Gobbler, intelligence reported that Popcorn the Nazi cat showed up as well.
No amount of public pressure or appeals to reason are enough to shake Popcorn
from his Nazi beliefs. During the entire event he was witnessed goosestepping
around completely unphased by social conventions.

Next to arrive was the hate-agnostic poster child little Bobby Rasmusen. Does Bobby
care that he's wearing a Pokeman shirt, coupled with sweatpants meant for
someone three times his size? He sure as fuck doesn't. And to show
the haters how little he thinks of them, he even pissed his pants
just for that added bit of fuel for the hate game.

The crowd went silent as the grand daddy of the hate-impervious scene, and Flavor Flav impersonator
Sunny Meatdark and his pocket dog Clitoris arrived. Well known for his propensity towards dressing up
as his modern interpretation of Uncle Sam, and walking Clitoris, whom is often smoking a cigar.
Neither public appearance nor cries from the ASPCA have stopped Sunny in over twenty years.

Next to arrive was little Chester Ruggey. Babies aren't supposed to smoke, you say?
You can go to Jolly Pirate Donuts and take a two hour shit for all
Chester cares.

In every group, there's always the one-upper; the person that tries
a little too hard to out-do everyone else. In this group, the next attendee was
that person. Despite his extremely annoying personality, Simon the gay rollerblading Batman
didn't let the fact that no one can stand him factor into his decision to attend the meeting.

Guest speaker Nickels the chimpanzee with bulbous testicles was the next
to arrive. Surprising the whole group, Nickels forwent the speech and just laid
on stage flicking his cock and twiddling his balls. Truly an inspirational
"I don't care what you think" demonstration for everyone to witness.

Flying in from overseas, Asian man in full-body sleeping bag showed up after most everyone else.
All day, everyday, he's dresses like this. Doesn't matter how stupid
or impractical it is, he's content meandering around in his large, black condom.

Lastly, guess of honor Fucky the pug showed up to give the yearly speech
at the meeting. Christmas or not, Fucky wears wreathes around his feet and
a large knitted Christmas tree around his head. One shit, two shits, three shits
or more, Fucky doesn't give any of those about your opinion or anger towards him.