Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Every Damn Time

*In the checkout queue*

I must say, I'm surprised that they let women handle the money here. I never thought I'd live to see the day.

I own $36.42? Hmmm, alright.

I carry next to no actual American currency, but worry not, for I believe these food stamps should cover my bill.

What do you mean these are just regular stamps, and have no monetary value in this store?!

Luckily, I've brought this checkbook with me. Do you accept checks here?

I've had this trusty checkbook since 1954; ever since I helped to fight those godless Koreans.


Hmmm, after lengthy computation, I appear to only have $12 left in my account. I'll write a check for that amount, and then we'll settle up for the remainder.

What do you mean my bus pass doesn't count as a valid form of I.D.? I served in Korea!

Well, hold your horses now, I believe as far as the remaining balance of $24.42 goes, I just so happen to carry around this small satchel full of buffalo nickles; which will undoubtedly square us up.

Allow me to pay you with them one by one, as I count them out...

...forty one...
...forty two...

That reminds me, my youngest granddaughter is forty two years old, you know.

Now where was I?


Meanwhile, everyone else behind the man attempting to barter with a chicken and two bushels of corn is simply wasting away from the passage of time.

Since I've long since died at this point I can only speculate, but I imagine that this man calmly leaves the store after finally paying for his goods, and quietly saddles up on his pet dinosaur he's had since he was a boy 70 million years ago, and gently rides off into the sunset. Content in knowing that he's ruined any plans that anyone had.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

How To: Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping

How do I Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping?


Pondered over by philosophers and pet owners alike, this ancient mystery, often likened to the human condition, need allude you no further.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
1 Identify whether or not the particular guinea pig in question is alive or not. Is it?
2a If it's alive, then congratulations! Your guinea pig is most definitely pooping.
2b If it's not alive...frankly, it's probably still pooping.
Refer to the live guinea pig webcam below:
All goddamned day


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