Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Average Work Day

Adobe Photoshop CS4 is opening your file
3 minutes later...
Me attempting to click in any window, to work around the issue at hand...
Everything grays out as Windows locks up
It looks like you're trying to "use windows".

If you'd like help with this task please cli......
Outlook receives an email and tries to make Windows alert window pop up. Windows crashes and I have to re-start computer
Restart computer
Bang head against desk until death descends upon me

Thursday, June 23, 2011

How You Found My Damn Blog

According to Google Analytics, here're the usual, and healthy, search terms that land a decent amount of you jerks on my blog.

Mmmmm....yes. Timelessly wonderous and zesty.
I've been trying to figure it out for neigh on 30 years now. Sadly, I've ruined many a rug.
What; to good to hold them out and slice at them with a small paring knife, like everyone else?
80 grit ought to do it. Works for sheet metal.
Error 509: tits too big to fit on Google's servers.
I told you they were a work in progress!
Internet, please take me to chapter 78 of the great online novel "Dick Sex" please.
Shitting on your own penis is a very real, and very non-insurance-covered effect.
I'm hard pressed to tell the difference between a real porcupine license, and a fake one. I wish you luck on your journey, Mr. Bond.
Dammit Richard Gere, I told you to peddle your shit-covered hamsters somewhere else!
Everything you wish to learn can be obtained by witnessing the magical molecular ballet that unfolds as you press your head into an open pit of flames....and shit!
How many is enough for you, sir? It'll never be enough, will it?
Try....sex? With your vagina?
I hope you find a several-step answer to great taint success. Just make sure the last two steps are "rinse", and "never tell anyone how awkward that was".
Rub them between two sticks. I learned that little trick on Survivor Man.
Next week on Dr. House: the team diagnoses the rare disease "crotch-assle-leprosy".
Grammatically and logistically I'm not sure any of what you just said works.
You mean "completely normal everyday boner", right?
If you insert enough of them into the tip, some amount of rigidity is bound to ensue.

Friday, June 17, 2011

A Sad Day for Canada, and Thus, the World

I, like the rest of the civilized world, am appalled at the actions of many Canadians in Vancouver.

After the smoke had cleared, and the broken glass had been swept up, I find myself confused and hurt by one looming question that still remains: when did hockey become such serious business?

The following is an excerpt of things the world-stage views as important / legitimate:

1. Overpopulation
2. Chinese Globalization
3. Korean Sneak Attacks
55. AIDS
98. Oddly-shaped McDonalds Chicken Nuggets
184. Canada
185. Hockey

Hockey ranks even lower than Canada itself does in terms of world legitimacy. Therefore, it's simply mind-boggling that such neanderthalian reactions could stem from a sport which consists ostensibly of attempting to push a dog turd off a hard-wood floor using a window squeegee.

Among the many shocking photos taken during the senseless vandalism spree, this one ranks as the most savage and telling one I've found:

Truly a sad day for Canada.

As this brutal photo reveals to us, we can see that not only was the hockey outcome of paramount causality to the event, but it appears that a combination of Molson beer and maple syrup fueled a cities' transformation from a home to peaceful, jean-jacket wearing lumberjacks with orange mullets, into a much darker vicious spiral of violence and candid Facebook photos.

This is not the America's Hat that we've all come to know...and quickly forget about.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Critiques of Middle School Drawings

Behold the gull-winged pornography that is Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG. At $204,000, it's probably the cheapest cruise-missile you can buy.

Now behold the Sycamore Canyon Middle School art department's homage to the lovely beast, as viewed through the unfiltered eyes and pens of innocent children.

For Christ's sake, Patrick. How the hell do you expect to pass a safety inspection without so much
as a single suspension unit holding the wheels to the car? Not to mention that you carelessly made
 the rear wheel 1.5 times the diameter of the front one. It almost as if you have no automotive design
experience at all.

I feel like this assignment was simple, and yet your lack of understanding has proven me
quite wrong, there, Alexandra. Unless I'm wrong, I thought you were instructed to draw
the SLS that was brought in specially for us. And yet you drew some sort of mechanical
sea sponge with a hydra wrapped around it. Amazing.

Look, James, I don't know how many times we have to cover this: your lack of
perspective and imagination are wholly unacceptable. The SLS looks nothing like this
and we both know it. See me after class.

What an odd serrated ancient coin you've presented me with, Alicia. What? That's supposed
to be the SLS' wheel? Wow. Ok. Clearly, Alicia, it's mildly round at best. What chance
does the SLS have to safely operate on this "wheel" of yours? Slim to none.

Well, I see you've labeled it as a Mercedes-Benz SLS, but frankly, all I see when I look at
it is a Galapagos tortoise. Did you intend for it to be all tortoise-y? Were the added facial and
ass hairs intended to get a certain point across...or....no?

Very funny, Leira. You're fourteen years old, I would assume you know the difference
between an automobile and a grooming device, and yet you turned in this
drawing of an electric razor. You truly confuse me sometimes with how wildly incorrect
you're capable of being.

If I've told you once, I've told you a dozen times:
1) Falcore the Luck Dragon from Never Ending Story is never the answer in this class, so quit drawing it
2) Quit abbreviating your damn name. It's Ezjud Jalopy, grow up already.

I assume we were gazing upon the same SLS, Olivia; afterall, they're not easy to come by here
at Sycamore Canyon. And yet, whilst I presented a gray one to the class, you managed to
find an entirely different blue one. I hope you brought enough SLS' for the whole class since you seem
to have an abundance of them.

Ryan, this vivid imagination of your has to stop! It just has to! Why in God's name when presented
with a perfectly good Mercedes, did you choose to draw what appears to be the aftermath of one
having been blown up? This morbid curiosity of yours will be noted in the counselor's office.

Wagon wheels, Abria? Really? Maybe if we spend a little more time showing the Mercedes
some respect, and a little less time playing with that iPod shuffle you got for your
birthday, we wouldn't be in this awkward position in which you've placed us.

Yet another in a proud series of half-assed attempts Kera, good job. I know you have weight issues,
but there's little reason for you to continue to insist on drawing everything with a grotesquely bulbous ass
on it. And by the way, don't think I didn't notice your pathetic effort to scribble in some
color all over the car, including the rear glass. Very classy.

You know, Sean, I kept waiting and waiting after class, hoping that by some miracle of the gods
that another paper would show up containing the missing half of your drawing. But I see
now that you're quite content just drawing half of it, and considering that a job well done.
Well, I got news for you buck-o; it's not a job well done. Unless you took some tour of the Mercedes
plant that I'm not aware of, and drew a car that was still under construction....which I very much doubt...then
plan on repeating this course in summer school.