Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Friday, October 28, 2011

How You Found My Damn Blog: Part 2

Sadly, you can't buy any of them anymore, as the Louvre has acquired them all to display in their main gallery.
Dear user, we at Google appreciate your attempted regular expression usage. However, we can not, in good conscience, return you results that may include surprising the elderly, clowns, kangaroos or handicapped children with handjobs.
Hmmm...could be any woodland creature or even small people. Everything's hair falls out when they die.
I'm not convinced you actually know what a sleeping bag is or what it's used for. Perhaps you were thinking of a coconut crab?
Did YOU rape a car, or were you raped IN a car? Either way, sounds like a hoot!
Don't hesitate. Don't waste time searching the internet. Don't waste time verifying the cats rightful owner. Just throw it away.
God that's hot.
Just got a fresh shipment in this morning, simply come on by the ol' website.
A wire brush is the obvious choice, but I suppose you're welcome to track down alternative cures.
How could it when the Earth is flat?
na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na fagman!
Of course. Naturally. Sagacious choice, sir.
God dammit, I'm tired of attracting people to my blog that fell asleep with their face on their keyboards. It's just not the quality traffic I want. Although, their average time on site is remarkable.
Dildos in the shape a horse? Or ones large enough to use on a horse? Either way, I too would like to see them being used. Only if their primary usage was beating the shit out of people searching for horse dildos, though. I think the irony would be delicious.
Grammatically and physically, I believe this to be outside of your capacity.
Ahh, yes. The old parable about the porcupine that uses the mystic twig as an auto-erotic device, serving as a lesson to kids about the importance of taking pride in one's woodworking skills. One of my favorite fables.
Congratulations! You're the 1,000,000th cheating husband! You win half of your own stuff! Yay!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

New Company Hires From LinkedIn

Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System

__________'s Experience

Professional Brown Dwarf
Outer Solar System

March 2009-Current

Inter-office collection of gravitationally collapsed primordial gasses and dust. Too low in mass to sustain fusion. Not a client-facing position, but have people skills. Daily tasks consisted of leaking noxious lighter-than-air gasses into the surrounding environment, perturbing office resources with a gravitational-well, as well as ruining expensive equipment by tainting it with x-ray bursts emanating deep from within personal gas clouds.

From a leadership perspective, job duties consisted frightening coworkers into my defined standards and practices through fear of interfacing with the ever-present trail of shit particles that trails behind me, pushed outward by the solar winds. Also, demonstrating team leadership skills by displaying my perspiratory prowess in the underarm and lower back regions; likely caused by my intense tidal forces.

Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems

_______________'s Experience

Senior Retrovirus
Your Vital Systems

October 2007-Current

Professional retrovirus with several years of internal corporate take-over experience. Once moved from one host-company to another, my injected sequence of seditious take-over activities include:

  • suggesting that everything done prior to my arrival was stupid and trivial
  • recommending the immediate replacement of anything I didn't have my self-righteous fingers in
  • submitting for review that any opinion or procedure that did not originate from me, is not valid
  • using a self-feeding firestorm of words to emphatically drown out other ideas, leaving the air so dense with my thoughts that others aren't likely to survive
  • Asexually reproducing by systematically forcing out current employees with my never-ending word-storms, and then replacing them with all my friends and colleagues.

Using the above techniques, I'm quite competent at bludgeoning a healthy working host company's systems and replacing them with my own pompous systems.

Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It

___________'s Experience

Timeless and Ageless Ethereal Being
This Realm and All Others Beyond It


I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

I also have advanced HTML skills and have evolved beyond giving any shits about pay, benefits or working-conditions.

Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot

________________'s Experience

Unfrozen Caveman Salesperson
Shitty Used Car Rape Lot

September 1993-Current

Me sell stuff. You want stuff? Want stuff or no want stuff, I stay till you buy stuff. No understand anything. No need to. Me sell. Me sell and smash. SELL AND SMASH!

With this dream team, I know there're prosperous times on the horizon.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

L&L Hawaiian BBQ Arboricultural Lesson

Knowledge ascertained from a combination of:
  1. Rudimentary arboriculture factoids
  2. Witnessing several patrons of said restaurant
Like a tree, if it were not for the fact that the roots underneath Hawaiian people are as big as the leviathan ordering pork katsu themselves, they would simply fall down.

Simply too massive and resource-intensive to stand unsupported while only gaining nutrients through their mouth holes, it's just science that they rely on an extensive underground root network to hold them up and fuel all their cells. It's also speculated that they may have iron cores, although, as of yet, probes haven't detected the presence of a magnetic field surrounding Hawaiians.

And a good day to you, tuberous sir. I hope your Kalua pork is finding you well.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Nature's Majesty

A truly wondrous thing has happened. A once in a lifetime glimpse into the magical and mysterious inner workings of nature, and her bewildering creatures. Hidden from even the prying eyes of many a nature documentarian, a truly rare event was witnessed by many stunned and awestruck layman onlookers.

For the first time recorded visually, allow me to unveil to the public the royal glory that is the the Queen Brotato.

We're all used to seeing the average worker Brotato drones scurrying about, collecting outrageous t-shirts and Milwaukee's Best for their collective.

But it's exceedingly rare for the queen to leave the nest, let alone be documented doing so. Entomologists believe that global climate change is likely directly responsible for this isolated and uncommon event. Citing that, due to increased temperatures, the hive the Brotatos were occupying before most likely ran out of bronzer and black muscle tees, forcing the colony to locate a new mall to call home.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How To Exit In California

The trick is to know several miles in advance that you need to exit at a specific place. And then, once literally on the threshold of that place, jerk the wheel to the right and pray for all the families involved in your genocide. It's an exact science.

Like a champion jackass, you see the solid line indicating that the exit lane is done forming, and has been committed to by others, and see it as a challenge to fit in regardless of the consequences. The fucktastic logic even applies to surface streets. Want to turn left, but are in the right-most lane 45 feet from your turn? Fear not, the solution is a mere 90 degree turn, and six insurance claims away from being a reality.

Driving in the wildly incorrect lane, and expecting all others to yield to our ill-thought-out whims is a God-given right of every American. If a bunch of hatchet-wielding men on horseback couldn't stop us from taking the land this four lane road is built on, what chance does you hatchetless car stand of stopping everyone from pilfering your lane? Exactly none.

It is easier to ask forgiveness (blame it on all the other motorists using the roads correctly) than it is to ask for permission (use your frontal lobe ahead of time).

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

This Isn't Mogadishu, There Are Rules

Listen here, dickhead neighbors, it's bad enough I have to listen to your constant outdoor phone calls, and 10pm-1am toddler shouting matches; but when you start stealing my mail-delivered cheap and nearly useless car parts, we have an issue.

I understand that the allure of a small, padded, delivery-confirmed envelope sitting either on top of my mailbox, or on my doorstep is simply too tempting. It could be anything! My god! What riches could the 3"x5" envelope contain?! Treasure? Handjobs? Winning but unclaimed lottery tickets? Hard British candies? It could literally be anything!

What it was, in fact, was the part #4 in the diagram below, which is a strut tower cap for my BMW

It's one dollar and eighty-seven damn cents of black plastic that has zero application outside covering my car's strut tower. Zero.

The real question then becomes; which of you thieving prick neighbors thought you cashed in big time, only to obtain an ill-begotten plastic disc? Chubby forever-alone white girl, was it you? Downstairs constantly-shuffling crackheads? Or how about you Ethiopian family? Maybe it was you, second Ethiopian family?

Even though your larcenous nature rendered you incapable of passing my private mail without pilfering it, could you not have just returned it when you realized you lacked the mental capacity to comprehend how you could benefit from such an influx of thermoset plastic? Perhaps your constant public-transit use is only a clever ruse to hide the fact that you are simply rife with 135i's, which are also lacking strut caps?

Here you go, sir. I am returning to you this opened package that I mistakenly took from your door because I thought for sure that the addressee and geographical information tied to its delivery to your domicile was incorrect. Despite your name being on it, I was sure it was intended for me.

But upon seeing that it did not meet my reserve price for the eBay auction I posted it to, I'm being a good samaritan and returning it to its rightful owner. These things happen.

Regardless of who amongst us has the light-fingers, I hope you'll enjoy these new purchases I made:

eBay Item 2002334264181: Open glass jar of hungry and threatened South American bullet ants

eBay Item 2032332267982: Medium vial containing Ebola virus with missing lid

eBay Item 21326443247949: Electromagnetically suspended 2 gram anti-matter sphere in absolute vacuum shipping package with easy-to-open top

Let me know how you like those packages as well. I'll be looking for the screaming / flopping / twitching / annihilated body in the courtyard to indicate which of you savages is the swindler.