Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

In Retrospect...

This was an exercise in poor judgement on my part.


Friday, September 23, 2011

I Want Out...Permanently

I'm want out of this spam operation.

95% of mail is the following, by volume:
  • 12 page booklets of local grocery coupons
  • Perpetual reminders of the "one weekend only" local furniture sale that's been running for over 6 weeks
  • Tempting 45.8% APR credit card offers
  • Balance reminders that I still owe $0 on that credit card from two years ago
  • Buttplug and sex swing mail-order catalogs addressed to a resident who probably lived here during the Nixon era
  • Local "buy 7 entrees, 7 drinks and 7 desserts, and get 1 entree of lesser value for free" coupons

The mailbox is nothing but a reverse trashcan, and I'm done with it all. You're dead to me, mailbox. You hear me, you filthy metal cocksucker!?


Calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
Oh, yes, I am.
What about your bills?
The bank can pay 'em.
*Scoff* The bank... What about your cards and letters?
E-mail, telephones, fax machines...
...Fedex, telex, telegrams...
All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you
think, you're so clever for figuring that out?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Stabfist Blames Obama 'Appeasement' for Palestinian Statehood Bid

Republican senator Firebat
Stabfist of US outpost colony #16
"We are indignant that certain Middle Eastern leaders have discarded the principle of direct negotiations," he said. "We are equally indignant of the Obama administration and their Middle East policy of appeasement."

Stabfist called on the U.S. to approach the Middle East with a "new firmness and a new resolve." Stabfist criticized Obama for demanding concessions from the Jewish state that Stabfist says emboldened the Palestinians to seek recognition by the U.N.

While blatantly disregarding the long-standing no ominous background flames whilst in session rule, senator Stabfist stated his belief that "peace in the Middle East would not come through appeasement of, nor through concessions to either party."

Stabfist went on to proclaim, while wearing his red political battle-suit, that the only possible solution to conflicts in the Middle East would come from a United Nations imposed "peace"; quotes around the word actually being gestured with his fingers as he spoke.

His solution was simple, he went on to say. Listing that his peace could be brought to the Palestinians and Israelis conveniently by either:

• Loading the "peace" into "howitzers, mortars and god damned tanks", and then lobbing it at their settlements.
• Loading specialty heavy aircraft with "peace" and raining it upon their homes and schools, saturating the newer generations with it.

For an even more thorough application of "peace" to the local inhabitants, Stabfist went on to say:

• "Peace" could even be buried under the soil of the contested area, waiting for an unsuspecting person to walk upon it, unleashing copious amounts of "peace" upon them.

On the opinion of Obama's stance on the issue being weak, Stabfist concluded his speech by saying "These tactics work for the Zerg problem, and we should do no less here. Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy."

Senator Ultralisk stormed out at this point, and has been unable to be reached for comment.

Democratic senator Glarwar
Ultralisk of Tennessee

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Menial Simulator 2011

Like any normal person, I work hard during the day, and like to unwind at the end of it to balance myself. Also like any of you, I come home and dream of operating heavy machinery and traffic redirection. Almost gives me a boner just thinking about it. The Germans certainly know what I'm talking about, as their "games" satisfy these very normal recreational urges:

For all intents and purpose, German people's idea of recreation seems to revolve around simulating themselves doing ignoble and dirty jobs, by themselves, on their PCs. They sure have come a long way from the days when invading neighboring countries was seen as the "cool" thing to do. Now, it's more popular to ensure that the road to said neighboring country is freshly paved and clean.

For all my German friends, I would like to share some sneak peeks at upcoming software for the year 2012, which should really work your plebeian German cranks:

Ctrl + d! Ctrl + d! Add the wet paint sign!
Yes! Got it!

Now with realistic getting stuck, turning the crank in the opposite direction, and
then resuming your sharpening attempt action.

You have miscalculated and burned fry #29.
Click here to restart level.

The physics rendering on this staubsauger action  is the best I've even seen!

Level 2 boss: stubborn dandelion near cucumber garden.
Level 6 boss: random rogue honey bee.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Apollo 18 (2011)

Apollo 18 (2011) Working Title: Moon Crabs

86 min - Horror | Sci-Fi | Thriller - 2 September 2011 (USA)

Ratings: 5.9/10 from 3,502 users Metascore: 24/100

Reviews: 112 user | 58 critic | 19 from Metacritic.com

Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon.

Director: Gonzalo López-Gallego
Writers: Brian Miller (screenplay), Cory Goodman
Stars: Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen and Ryan Robbins

Related Photos

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is this film real?

Q: You can tell me...is it?

Q: Crabs?

Q: Really? Crabs?

Q: The Russians? The Americans? And some crabs?

Q: Great space / extraterrestrial crustaceans movie, or greatest space / extraterrestrial crustaceans movie?

Did You Know?


NASA's liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that "Apollo 18 is not a documentary ... don't be retarded." See more >>


Factual errors: There were crabs on the moon.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Whale Wars Suggestions

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy watching the entire fleet of Sea Shepherd ships repeatedly fail at even the most trivial of pirate maneuvers, but there's only so many seasons of abject failure I can stand. With that in mind, I'd like to offer up my object/tactic replacement table entitled:

Lame-Ass Sea Shepard IdeaMy Substitute Idea

Launching or throwing bottles of butyric acid as a means of stinking up the Japanese ships and whale meat. By all means, keep on doing what you're already doing. My only suggestion would be to replace butyric acid with what the kids call "napalm".


Allow me to demonstrate:

Here we see a Japanese sailor as he watches the small Sea Shepard inflatable "attack" boats approaching
Here we see the same sailor's maximum reaction to the stinky acid spilled on their decks
In stark contrast, we can now see how much more effective the napalm would be used in the same manner

Throwing bottles of red paint against the Japanese ships. First, allow me to congratulate the Sea Shepherds on their clever application of psychological faults. Using the following list of known Japanese cultural fears...
  1. Chinese invasion
  2. Mothra
  3. The color red
  4. Disgrace / childish name-calling
...they cripple the enemy from the inside out.

My suggestion, however, would be to hit them with the ol' one-two combo punch. Instead of haphazardly throwing red paint against their ships, trying having one of your art school graduates carefully paint this on the hulls:

They'll HATE that.

Spending millions of dollars on racing "stealth" boats that can out-run Japanese harpoon vessels. The Japanese are more likely to detect this stealth racing ship...

...than they are this hunter-killer submarine...

A submarine:

  • Is stealthier than your "stealth" craft, and endlessly stealthier than your other garbage trawler ships.
  • Is, unlike your other ships, not crippled by the slightest amount of ice; capable of simply passing under it.
  • Would certainly be faster than your current vessels, which are rated at "near-sea-cucumber-speeds".
  • Would allow you to dress the hull up as a female whale of some sort, thus finally allowing you to live your dream of engaging in whale copulation.
  • Could be purchased from the Russians for $1,500 and four crates of medium quality potatoes.

Attempting to bind and stall Japanese ship propellers using thick ropes known as "prop foulers" Let's face it, 90% of the time this action backfires upon you Shepherds; the other 10% of the time it horribly backfires upon you. Doing the math, that's a 0% success rate. I've never once seen you foul the prop of Japanese ships, but you have however wasted a lot of time, lost a number of ropes, and have even succeeded in fouling your own prop in the process.

As a substitute to the continuation of operation "Throw the rope now! Throw it now! now! Aw fuck we've crippled ourselves!", allow me to suggest this item as a replacement for the ropes:

A simple 106mm recoiless rifle should be roughly water-proof, provide an excellent firing profile for a small inflatable boat, and have roughly 9586% more effectiveness at rendering ship sub-sections inactive, and roughtly 483,394% more effectiveness at actually intimidating your foes.

Attempting to block the paths of Japanese ships in order to prevent them from carrying out their duties. This is by far the best tactic in your arsenal, and has little repercussions...except for when they ram you, and chop your ships in half. But even your best could still use some minor tweaks. While normally the sight of a gape-mouthed Paul Watson is enough to fend off even the brashest of Japanese sailors, I still suggest replacing this...

...with this...

While roughly the same shape and consistency as Mr. Watson, I think you'll find the magnetic sea mine offers two distinct advantages over wedging your own ships in between the Japanese fleet:
  1. It's far more likely to result in a drastic reduction of whale deaths...for those outside the blast radius at least
  2. While it may be cold and emotionless like Paul, it's actually capable of accomplishing a change in the current and future practice of whaling
Oh cuddly, cuddly sea mine; you're the whales' best friend.

Raising public awareness of the whaling issue by filming your operations. This one seems the most obvious, but it couldn't hurt to point it out anyways:

Simply replace your normal crew of vegan chefs, art school students and FYE employees with passionate and topless gun-toting European women; exclusively.

You'll gain more media exposure than you can shake a whale carcass at.

If you're willing to die for the whales, why aren't you willing to break the law and sink some damn ships? Better yet, just hire some Somalians to do the work for you; leave it to some real pirates.