In Retrospect...

This was an exercise in poor judgement on my part.

HOW DID I EXPECT THIS TO GO WELL?!

Discouraged Responses to a Cat in Heat

Is your, or a cat you happen to live with, in heat? How can you be sure? And if they in fact are, how should you best respond to the situation?

There are two easy-to-recognize signs to know if your live-in bean bag creature is in heat:

1. Is it making ceaseless sounds akin to a small gas-turbine engine, primarily during the times you'd normally be sleeping?
2. Has it developed a Charlie Chaplin shaped growth around its hind-quarters?
   
   
   

If you answered yes to both of the above questions, then your cat is most regrettably in heat. While there appears to be no sure-fire way to cure your cat of this condition, and thus remove the debilitating effect upon your life, there are a few commonly applied methods that are highly discouraged. While they seem to offer solutions, they are to be avoided at all costs.

	While it might seem like a shortcut to a resolution, under no circumstance are you to insert a Bic pen / Sharpie / pencil into the cat to placate it. The odds that the shape is just right to shut the cat up is slim-to-none, and you'll have one less writing utensil at your disposal.
	Knowing that it's hard to estimate the size needed to fill the cat's void, triggering its silence, you might be tempted to try another approach. But it's a very bad idea to attempt to fill the cat's slot with expanding insulation foam. Would it fill the cat? Yes. The the outcome be what you're aiming for? Highly unlikely.
	When humans are in heat, in general, they're looking for a good old fashioned jostling; the same concept doesn't necessarily apply to cats. As such, it's highly ill-advised to place the engorged cat into the dryer to simulate rough sex. Even on low heat, cats never fair well in the dryer. Tumble dry is no good, low heat is catastrophic, and high heat is just right out.
	Even though it appears that your beast is possessed by a sinful siren demon, I assure you that attempting to exorcise the cat will yield nothing positive. Lordly incantations have zero effect on the cat's behavior, and holy water simply makes them combust.

In lieu of any real concrete solution, I would have to suggest either paying to have the cat fixed. However, those with simple tools and DIY nature, can cut costs by trying the procedure themselves at home.

Fun Games to Play with Cats

For those of you that may be soon afflicted with cats you didn't request, or for those of you that already have them, all hope is not lost. Cats may be selfish, lazy, shitboxes, but even an unwanted cat still has some intrinsic entertainment value. I say intrinsic entertainment value because you can't teach a cat to be fun, nor teach it new ways of being funny.

The big day has arrived; your new cat has arrived in the mail. But how do I make the most out of your new living arrangement? Allow me to share with you a list of 12 fun games you can play with your feline cellmate.

Magic Cat Orb

This game is a old family classic. Simply leave out a large glass or plastic container, and allow the cat's natural predisposition towards curiosity drive it into the container. Hell, if the cat's natural inclinations are broken, you can always manually insert it as well.

The Nikola Tesla Game

Usually a cat's God-given skill of being a hairy demon only serves to irritate those around it; however, this game takes that natural ability of the cat and turns into something useful. By simply rubbing the cat against your carpet, you can easily build up copious amount of static electricity, turning it into your own person Tesla coil. Use it to shock your friends, or to start your car!

Football All-Star

It's the last few seconds of the big game. You're down by 1. This kick could clench the victory, and net you the glory. Remember to stretch though, have to be nice and limber to make sure you get the accuracy you need...

Magic Carpet Ride

Cats love the thrill of the hunt. Humans love things careening out of control, resulting in crashes. It's only natural to combine them.

Drum Circle Jam

The soothing effects of music are a well known, and scientific truism. While there are few studies to indicate that music has a similar effect on pets, it never hurts to try. Have a good ol' time sharing the timeless majesty of bongo music with your new-found feline friend.

Don Quixote Game

Don Quixote was famous for attacking windmills, which he believed to be angry giants. You and your cat can playfully recreate this piece of literary history by playing this game. Simply turn your body into a makeshift windmill, and instruct the household terrorist to attack you. It's fun and educational!

Through the Looking Glass

Being irrational and jealous, cats don't want to share their space (which used to be your space) with any other competing cats. In a fun simulation to hone your cats protection skills, simply place a wall mirror directly in its line of sight. That cat is sure to learn several valuable skills from this game.

Set Doorway to Stun

If you happen to be stuck with an indoor / outdoor can (read: slutty, in-heat alley trash), you can still find fun bonding games to play together; such as this one. Simply wrap the cat's outside access door in a clear film (or force field, if you have one), and wait for its walk of shame back home following a night of debauch cat fucking.

Time Vortex

It's a well-known fact that cats hate leashes. They hate anything that shatters their world view that they are masters of their domain. On the other hand, cats very much enjoy chasing things. By combining the two, you can not only give the cat a very rewarding experience, but also create a time vortex that will allow you to go to anyplace in the time continuum. Great success.

The Cheating Husband Game

Cats are very much fascinated by moving objects; they can't resist the urge to figure them out. However, they're also extremely fucking lazy, and can't be bothered to even give a shit half the time. This game will determine your cat's interest vs I-don't-give-a-shit level.

"But where oh where am I going to obtain all these rugs / stacked cups/ remote controlled cars? I don't have the money for all that!", you say. Fear not! Here's a few games you and your new housemate can play for free!

The Michael J Fox Game

This one is the simplest of all the games. Simply pick your furry friend up, and commence shaking. This game is fun for hours!

Family Jewels Fun

For even more free fun, simply treat your cat like the little bitch that everyone knows it is, and face-bang the hell out of it. Mmmmmmm, that's wholesome and economical fun for the whole family!

Being a Jerk to Cats

Normally, I'm a large fan of the concept of negative reinforcement when it comes behavioral modification techniques. Not only does it help illicit the proper behavior from the subject, but it also feels mighty fine as well. Ex-girlfriends, ex-coworkers, ex-friends, ex-children: all successfully modified (right out of my life) using the above system. There is one subject, nevertheless, that seems completely immune to such psychological devices:

Cats

They appear to operate on a specific wavelength of life; one that doesn't involve the stimulus --> response --> knowledge-acquired system.

Through much trial and error in interfacing with cats, I've learned the above is some sort of genetic defect inherent to all of them. 100% of cats are deficient in learning to succumb to the rules of the household. Cat's only gonna do what a cat wants to do. With all that in mind, allow me to share with you the top three generally effective negative reinforcement techniques that don't work on cats.

#3 - Degrade to an Object

Generally, removing all sense of individuality and intrinsic life-value from something, rendering it solely an object for your use, breaks it down enough that it then begins to question and reevaluate itself. Not so much with cats.

One tried and failed application of this method is to use the cat as a cleaning device. Cat likes to play with the toilet? Scrub the bathroom floor using cat's body. Cat likes to climb up on kitchen counters? Again, use the cat's body to scrub them clean. Surprisingly, it seems that no matter how much piss and food sauces are forcibly embedded into the cat's fur, it simply will not stop going to these off-limits areas.

We appear to be having a communication breakdown, cat.

#2 - Dispose of

When an employee is no longer needed, they're typically fired; helping them take personal stock of how big of a fuck up they were. Relationship simply not working? You dump 'em, and the situation resolves itself. You can't break up with a cat though; and turning it loose would only be wishing ill of whomever finds it. Naturally then, you just throw the cat away.

Seems pretty straight forward and logical, but again, seems to have no effect on the cat. No matter how many times you pick the cat up and gently place it into the trash receptacle, it seems to find a way out. Thereby allowing it to perpetuate the clearly dysfunctional relationship between you two.

YOU'RE TRASH TO ME! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD!

#1 - Physical Violence

Let's say for sake of argument, that you're being a piece of shit, and need a manual adjustment. If I haul off and thrust my fist into you, your behavior generally changes in rather rapid order. For countless centuries, man has applied this system to interactions ranging in scale from person-to-person to empire-to-empire dealings. And it's worked out pretty well so far.

It stands to reason then that because it's a working sociological format, that it would be completely ineffective towards cats. When you come home to find a hefty cat-log left in the middle of the floor, after repeatedly, and generously, explaining that this type of behavior will not be tolerated, sometimes shit has to be escalated. Escalation being in the form of a jab to the torso.

You'll find that the cat will immediately run away, which is a positive sign. You may not even see the cat for days, and assume that you've rightly put the fear of God into it, forcing it to consider its actions before undertaking them. But you'd be wrong. The cat is now only hiding its logs in tougher to reach spots, and will not fear the fist o' justice it knows comes with the territory.

What do you tell a cat that has two black eyes? Nothing. You've already told it twice.

The only foolproof way to deal with a cat is to avoid them all-together. Do not allow you or your loved ones to become burdened with this untrainable beast. The best cat is a non-existent one.

I Hate Meatloaf

Not the food. The food combines all the goodness of both shredded meat chunks and bread particulates...delicious. Allow me to introduce you to Meatloaf:

Meatloaf is the office cat at the shitty office I used to work at. I suppose that's a bit redundant to say, as all offices that have cats are, by definition, shitty offices.

Quick facts:
Office + cat(s) = shitty office
Home + cat(s) = shitty home
Bonfire + cat(s) = good bonfire

Meatloaf wasn't actually the cat's name, it was actually Milo. Due to the cat's steadfast obesity however, I'd given it the moniker of Meatloaf. Although if I had my way the cat would remain nameless, and would only be referred to as "Cat" or "The Pile".

This worthless creature had turned my once-supple hands into throbbing, bloody stumps unfit for touching even myself. Once upon a time my clothes used to be made of such industry standard fabrics as cotton and polyester, but post-cat they'd been reduced to being mostly made of oily strands of demon hair. In light of these facts, during my employment there, Meatloaf had become my sworn enemy and the bane of my existence.

Intense zoological studies have concluded that cats are extremely worthless creatures that consider themselves better even than the caregivers that are responsible for the continuation of their barren, meaningless existence. Even with this scientific knowledge in mind, Meatloaf somehow managed to set a new all-time low for cats
everywhere. I've never seen this walking tumbleweed ever move about for more than six minutes without having to resort to a two hour nap to recharge it batteries, which I presume are powered by sleep and the intense anguish the cat causes to other living beings.

Even though my enemy can't be looked upon by others without causing a feeling of disgust, and even though it shits in a box, it still felts that it was somehow better than me. I know not under what circumstances this being came to call the work office home, but archeological inquiries state that it had been here for at least twelve human years, putting it at 439 cat years approximately. Although the true age of the cat could only be determined by cutting it in half and counting its rings.

Always Staring, always judging

I had no idea about what kind of cat Meatloaf was; some said calico, some said slut, I guessed retarded, but no one knew for sure. One thing that was known was that it appears to live forever, and has probably tormented countless offices and indian tribes throughout it's timeline in the San Diego area, and would probably continue to do so for countless centuries to come.

Everyday I arrived at work I felt a sadness begin to fill me. Sure, part of the reason is that I hated my job and loathed the people I work for, but I attribute most of this sadness to the realization that I saw Meatloaf alive every time I stepped foot into the building. Everything has to die at some point, but it seemed like my patience and physical well-being would long be dead at the claws of Meatloaf long before it itself kicked the bucket.

Feel pity for the cat if you must, but as much as the both of us had sworn destruction upon each other, the fact is that both the cat and I knew how truly awful its life was.

I've complied a list of ways in which Meatloaf both offended me and shamed itself:

• Not knowing the exact breed of cat Meatloaf was, I can only estimate this figure, but I guesstimated that it was at least 5 pounds into the category of obese. It appeared to only get one bowl of cat food per day, but somehow this meager amount of food translated into Meatloaf taking the form of a spilled a bowl of Jell-O made with hair anytime it laid down.
• The odor emanating from the cat's mouth every time it meowed, yawned, or bit you in a fit of rage was quite offensive. The only thing I can liken it to is the smell of the inside of a chemical toilet after many uses. This leads to only one explanation: fourteen construction workers pissed and shat into Meatloaf's mouth on a daily basis.
• Meatloaf constantly got its own claws caught on either the carpet or chairs, leading to embarrassing bouts of it being stuck in funny positions trying to fight free. Inevitably this led to the claws falling out of the cat, which explained the unknowing treasure hunt of finding claws all over the office.

The pre-attack position. What a dick.

Although I would occasionally set aside my anger towards Meatloaf in an effort to promote a short-term peace, this was rarely a good idea. Moments of serene, everyday petting quickly turned into violent, bloody, smelly, attacks for no given reason. Purring is normally associated with a cat being happy, but Meatloaf simply
used this as a ploy to lure you and make you feel secure before tearing into your flesh, with claws that would probably just fall out in your skin. Smacking Meatloaf in the face did seem to end these bouts quite quickly, however.

The only thing that seemed to bring solace to the cat, was the simple joy of rubbing its disgusting face against inanimate objects. My desk, my personal belongings, my chair, it mattered very little to Meatloaf, as long as stinky saliva and 450 strands of cat hair end up on whatever the subject of the face assault is.

Sure the brush is made of metal spikes, but face rubbing must be done.

Out of morbid curiosity and the desire to understand more about my foe, I rubbed the skin of one of my coworkers with the metal brush with which the demon cat seemed to use in some sort of auto-erotic face masturbatory activities. He informed me that it hurt. This is troubling news, as I knew that my arch nemesis thrived on and loved pain. All my attacks would simply result in pleasure for the sick, hairy fuck.

My psychological attacks should remain as effective as always however. Therefore I just had to double-up on my soft, demoralizing whispers that I feed to Meatloaf on a daily basis.

"Worst cat ever. Worst cat ever." seemed to work pretty well.

In a last ditch effort to humiliate my opponent, I shall leave you with a photo of the hair we had collected from chairs around the office and from the cat itself. For size reference, I've placed the collection next to the demon spawn itself.

That's right. Keeping looking smug. I won't let you win.

Cats: (Insert words here)

Imagine having a long day and work and just wanting to come home and relax with your girlfriend. Now imagine that when you get home, you don't see her or hear her making any sounds....you call out her name, but no reply. So you sit on the couch and turn on the TV, figuring she's doing something important and that she'll be out when she's done. You're calmly watching an episode of your favorite program, when something starts munching on your hair.

You turn around to see what the fuck it could be and you get slapped in the face and hissed at, while the culprit runs to hide. A pursuit ensues, and when you get to your room you find the bed sheets clawed up, a shit-log in the corner, and your girlfriend under the bed hissing at you.

That's what it's like owning a cat.

Fuck cats. But not literally, because it's apparently it's 'cruelty' to give them the happy no-pants dance.

In the spirit of how shitty cats are, me and an cat-owner played a fun game over AIM, inspired by the following picture.

This game was called "Cats:___________", where you insert a phrase about cats in the blank that you thought was relevant, given the nature of the above animation. I took the anti-cat side, she was (for some reason) on the pro-cat side. The following is a transcript of that game.

Me: cats: not very smart
Them: cats: wicked awesome
Me: cats: unable to fly, contrary to what they may think
Them: cats: not pansies scared by the possibility of what if
Me: cats: not mobile with all four legs broken....need to be put down
Them: cats: able to hold their own
Me: cats: able to climb to the top of a telephone pole without a backup plan
Them: cats: able to get themselves down
Me: cats: having gravity pull you on your face isn't a viable 'getting myself down' option
Them: cats: have survived for centuries on such skill
Me: cats: is suicide a skill?
Them: cats: have nine lives
Me: cats: need nine lives whereas creatures with intelligence manage with one
Them: cats: badasses
Me: cats: natures retarded cousin that eats shiny things and isn't allowed near children
Them: cats: cute and cuddly
Me: cats: like to shit in your laundry. get a woman if you want to cuddle
Them: cats:so funny (and well i wouldn't want a woman to cuddle with)
Me: cats: so funny (to watch go around and around in the dryer)
Them: cats: curl up nicely in one's lap
Me: cats: fold up nicely for easy storage
Them: cats: yay
Me: cats: 100% daily value of bullshit
Them: puhlease

Maybe I'm biased, but I think the results of round one were quite conclusive.

Love cats - 0
Feed them to monkies - 1