Discouraged Responses to a Cat in Heat

Is your, or a cat you happen to live with, in heat? How can you be sure? And if they in fact are, how should you best respond to the situation?

There are two easy-to-recognize signs to know if your live-in bean bag creature is in heat:

1. Is it making ceaseless sounds akin to a small gas-turbine engine, primarily during the times you'd normally be sleeping?
2. Has it developed a Charlie Chaplin shaped growth around its hind-quarters?
   
   
   

If you answered yes to both of the above questions, then your cat is most regrettably in heat. While there appears to be no sure-fire way to cure your cat of this condition, and thus remove the debilitating effect upon your life, there are a few commonly applied methods that are highly discouraged. While they seem to offer solutions, they are to be avoided at all costs.

	While it might seem like a shortcut to a resolution, under no circumstance are you to insert a Bic pen / Sharpie / pencil into the cat to placate it. The odds that the shape is just right to shut the cat up is slim-to-none, and you'll have one less writing utensil at your disposal.
	Knowing that it's hard to estimate the size needed to fill the cat's void, triggering its silence, you might be tempted to try another approach. But it's a very bad idea to attempt to fill the cat's slot with expanding insulation foam. Would it fill the cat? Yes. The the outcome be what you're aiming for? Highly unlikely.
	When humans are in heat, in general, they're looking for a good old fashioned jostling; the same concept doesn't necessarily apply to cats. As such, it's highly ill-advised to place the engorged cat into the dryer to simulate rough sex. Even on low heat, cats never fair well in the dryer. Tumble dry is no good, low heat is catastrophic, and high heat is just right out.
	Even though it appears that your beast is possessed by a sinful siren demon, I assure you that attempting to exorcise the cat will yield nothing positive. Lordly incantations have zero effect on the cat's behavior, and holy water simply makes them combust.

In lieu of any real concrete solution, I would have to suggest either paying to have the cat fixed. However, those with simple tools and DIY nature, can cut costs by trying the procedure themselves at home.