How to: Cure Itchy Taint

How do I Make My Taint Stop Itching?

By Porcupine's Balls, eHow Contributor

 

"Damn this taint is itchy!"

An itchy taint can bring an otherwise productive day to a stand-still. Intense itching in the ol' gooch will rapidly become your number one concern when it rears its ugly head. Seemingly caused by nothing in particular, you can't predict when an itchy taint will strike. One thing you can be sure of though, is the severity of it, as itchy taints only come in one variety: an 11 out of 10 on the itchy as hell scale.

Shifting in your seat like your have Parkinson's will only help very little, so surely there must be some way to combat this anus-adjacent fiend. You're in luck; there is! And we're going to show you how!

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1	Identify the actual source of the itch. It could be a normal crotch itch, or even an inner-anus tickle. In these cases, these steps don't apply.
2	Once a legitimate taint itch is identified, you can begin the process of eradicating it. Start this process by checking your surroundings to make sure that there's no one looking in your general direction, and that there's no foreseeable chance of them doing so in the immediate future.
3	Reach down and treat your taint like a misbehaving child. I mean really get after that thing. Flick it, smack it, pound at it, poke at it with ballpoint pens, scrub it with that extra toothbrush you have lying around, whatever it takes to calm it down. It shouldn't take long to subdue it back to its state of normalcy.
DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR MOUTH
4	You've won the battle. Two men entered, only one man left. Breathe a sigh of relief.
5	Wipe your hand on public property.

References

Mayo Clinic