Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Operation Repo

Every episode of this show, and indeed many repossession shows, follows a very structured format. For those unfamiliar with television production, or film theory, this structure may appear transparent to you. However, let me assure you that there is a specific recipe for great-happy-success that the show follows, which I will now itemize.

  • Through a mastery of number and letter recognition, the O.R. team is able to not only identify, but verify a given vehicle is the one they're looking for by reading the license plate from well over 20 feet away.
  • Using the cover of broad daylight to hide their actions, they secretly pull up to the target vehicle, which just so happens to have 8 camera people surrounding it.
  • Against all odds, the "owner" of said vehicle detects that foul-play is afoot, and comes outside extremely irate. At which point they begin to use their non-existent knowledge of how finance works to debate the legality of the O.R. team repossessing said vehicle.
  • Due to a lack of finance knowledge on either end, the O.R. team deploys what appears to be some sort of proto-planet in a tutu in an attempt to either read the repossession order to the "owner", or incapacitate him via gravitational perturbations long enough to wheel the vehicle away.
  • The arrival of this moon-sized object causes mass confusion, and leads to much screaming and futile anti-towing defenses.
  • At this point, a large, overall-wearing member of the Aryan Nation comes out of the tow truck and proceeds to insist that the "owner" give him a reason to "massacre their cholo ass and soul" using a combination of giant fists and white power.
  • The owner generally (realizing they'd be murdered), backs down. The large Aryan then proceeds to throw them into a headlock, and beat the shit out of them anyway.
  • Once thoroughly in a coma, the O.R. team then steals the keys from the "owner" and drives away with their car.

It works every damn time.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

National Treasure

When asked what the national treasures of America are, most citizens would be inclined to ramble off the cliché answers we've all been engrained with:
  • The Statue of Liberty
  • The White House
  • Waving fields of freedom with unicorns foraging in them
  • The Paris Hilton sex tape
Sadly, this list has become quite antiquated. The modern treasure equivalent to those items might surprise you, however. It's the pinnacle of modern societies abilities, and has a near priceless value. It's something that whilst having the most stringent security measures to protect it, is still prevalent enough to exist in every city in America. I speak, of course, about:

Truly, these Quattros represent the true spirit of American ingenuity, and are protected with a commensurate battery of defensive systems anywhere they are stored.

Despite the barrage of protective measures I knew existed, I took it upon myself to embark on a quest to obtain a single one of these treasures; knowing it would not only cement my bravery, but also accent my bathroom quite nicely.

Upon locating a local repository for these priceless artifacts, I began the meticulous process of becoming their new, proud owner. With direct intentions and a true heart, I keeled down before their storage alter, and asked the lord up high that should he find me worthy, to please allow my journey be a successful one. Having recognized my righteous constitution, the word came down from on-high that I would be presented with a series of three tasks:
  1. To stake my claim, I must withstand a furious aural onslaught from a brood of Mexicans furiously attempting to procure a specific, but concealed, type of bodywash nearby. This will be fraught with many bouts of screaming, being hit with a shopping cart, and nearly vibrated to death from the incessant rolling of R's
  2. To penetrate the nearly impervious containment device the Quattros are housed in, I must then summon the androgynous giant known as the "keymaster". Should I survive the decades it takes for the creature to finally arrive at the device, I may move on to the next task.
  3. I must now prove myself to the hermaphroditic being by answering a riddle: which of its 30 keys is the one that unlocks the chamber of Quattros?

With the lord's guidance, and endless amount of patience invested in the quest, I finally managed to obtain from the "keymaster" a single box of Quattros with which to bless my home. There was a soft sound of trumpets playing, and many butterflies a-twittering' as I held my Quattros up high, for all fellow citizens to see. "Look upon me citizens! I am now a proud owner of a true treasure of our times. My skills and determination have yielded me a true trophy of our modern society! I have suffered through inordinate amounts of waiting, and dealt with the terrifying bull-dyke, so that I may be one of the few and the proud!"

I then proceeded to the check-out counter, where I paid 37,392 fucking dollars, and 82 damn cents, to own such a wonder in my home.

I lived poor, but shaven, for the rest of my life.