Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, March 31, 2011

National Alert: The Invasion Has Begun

Today is truly a day that will live in infamy for all Americans. It's sad to say that with all of our advanced technology and military hardware, we were ill prepared to deal with this situation, and as a result, the US as we know it will never be the same. March 31st, 2011 will forever be remember as the day the animals invaded.

What we thought were isolated events in Florida / Louisiana with feral pigs, and in New York with rats turned out only to the be the tip of a, quite literally, much larger beast. Starting early this morning, scattered reports of large groups of wild animals at large as well as animal attacks were being reported all around the nation. At 7:05 AM our news producer reported the below events from his phone while calling 911 for help. We warn you, what you see below will tell a terrifying story; young readers beware.

Transcript of Producers Call

Operator "Hello?"
Producer "Hello?! Oh, thank God I got through! Something very odd is going on. I'm trapped in my car, and I'm being terrified by an odd collection of animals!"
Operator "You're saying that there's animals outside your car right now? Like pit-bulls, or what? Are you injured?"
Producer "I'm fine right now, and no, they're not pit-bulls. They're not even dogs. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Oh god! They hitting my car now! I think they're trying to get in..."
Operator "Sir, please stay calm. Can you tell me where you are currently so that we can dispatch a police unit to assist you?"
Producer "I'm at 759......Oh Christ! Oh *static* inside *static* *static* tell wife *static* *static* *screaming*"
End of Call

Police arrived just a few minutes later, and found his car in quite a damaged state, but were unable to locate him anywhere. They did manage to retrieve his phone, which contained the below photos; taken just moments before his disappearance.

Security camera footage from across the street manage to capture this video, believed to have been taken and roughly the same time:

Meanwhile, similar stories were developing all over the country.


The entire town of Arcadia appears to have been exterminated. Early reports indicated that hundreds of peacocks appeared in the town and systematically began destroying all power and communication hard lines, severing the town's connection to the outside world. Concerned residents of one neighborhood took the following photo:

Due to the lack of communication options, a National Guard deployment was sent to investigate and confirm the status of the citizens. All homes were found broken into, with countless dead bodies strewn throughout the entire city.

Approximate Causalities: 56,000


Even the calm midwest wasn't spared. According to the last known reports, packs of donkeys and camels began working together, applying all their efforts towards eating anyone they could find. Even the children were not safe from the brutal slaughter at the hooves and teeth of the savage beasts.

Approximate Causalities: 82,500

Washington State

Disturbing photos show what appear to be gangs of unhappy rhesus monkeys drowning local residents in the Pacific Ocean. Beware, extremely graphic photo below:

The monkeys were too spry and numerous for anyone to stand a chance. It's feared that the majority of Washington is now under rhesus control; their destruction is said to be spreading inland at alarming speeds.

Approximate Causalities: 120,400


Most destructive and diabolical thus far is a gruesome report from Philadelphia. Shortly before the city went silent, Army recon teams inside the city captured this startling and alarming photo indicating that the destruction of the city and its residents was caused by a fleet of attack spiders, with forward commanding felines leading the charge:

Approximate Causalities: 1,500,000

However, the story that is most shocking by far was that this unprecedented attack on America was possibly known about almost a full week ago. We've just learned from a source inside the Pentagon, that the Department of Homeland Security had, while following a tip-off about terrorist cells inside the US, stumbled across a command and control center located deep in New York City. They acquired the following photo, but were unable to confirm its meaning before today's events took place.

I wish the best to all of you out there in our greatest hour need; God knows we're going to need it. I urge you all to seek shelter, preferably underground, and far away from major metropolitan areas. The government is expected to announce martial law in a press conference later today, in the hopes of returning America to Americans as soon as possible. Good luck, and God speed to all of you.

Breaking Update

In what appeared to be a victory for the US Army just moments ago, intelligence came in that the animal uprising in Atlanta, Georgia had been crushed; although not without significant Army causalities. Soldiers and Army leaders were in a state of jubilation over what was hoped to be the first of many American victories over the invaders. However, less than an hour after the victory, helicopters circling the city relayed news that in a massive retaliation effort, a herd of attack guinea pigs leveled the entire city with a salvo of Soviet tactical FROG missiles.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Reasons I Got In Trouble In College: Part 3

Disturbing the Disturbance Of Peace

The student housing building I lived in was at a very unique position on campus, in that it was nestled in between several Natural Ice repositories, known to the layman as fraternities. Every spring for about a week, these shorts-clad gentlemen could be found participating in their group mating ritual. This consisted of hanging out on their house front lawns, drinking beer in kiddie pools or playing basketball, all while the frat house band played live music that would make two square blocks reek of ill-played alternative music.

I'm not joking when I say that two square blocks were constantly filled with their awful frat music; regardless of the time of day. I assumed that music acted as a social lubricant, making it easier for them to walk around in a circle with their thumbs up the ass of the guy in front of them; but I digress. Aside from being utterly inconsiderate of the surrounding area, what infuriated me the most was that they thought they were awesome for engaging in said activities. We'd had all that we could stands and we couldn't stands no more.

Sweet frat party, bro

Obviously, the most effective way to fight a disturbance of the peace was with a more focused, and offensive disturbance of the peace. Following this rule, we rounded up a guitar amp, several large parking cones, several yellers and one accomplished guitar player, and set about our mission. Our attack was a two-prong one; the yellers would use the large cones to yell phrases such as "ffffrrrrraaaaaattttttttt bbbbooooooyyyyysssss", and "shut up you fags", while the amp focused the sounds of guitar solo versions of shitty Dave Mathews and Chumbawamba songs towards the offending lawn party.

In our heads, we'd hoped this would make the fratties think "what the hell is that annoying shit?! Wait a minute, we're also making annoying noise. Maybe we should stop." Of course, this is never ever the case, as common sense no longer exists. The effect achieved was actually quite the opposite of what we were hoping. What we got was six or so frat boys with backwards hats and board shorts, in a Busch Light fueled rage storming us.

Hundreds of swear words, many, many throw objects and constant statements affirming that I possessed a hatchet later, the engagement had to be arbitrated by several officials from both housing establishments. At the end of it all, somehow WE came out looking like the assholes. Who knew you weren't supposed to have a hatchet on your person while living in student housing?

Unwelcomed Arson

Backstory: A group of my friends that had lived in the same hall as I, had recently joined together and moved into a house directly behind the hall, which I still lived in. As was to be expected, they had a "proper" house warming party during the summer, specifically to prevent the campus patrol Nazis from interfering in the good times.

Like all good college parties, there was loud music, beer pong, copious alcohol consumption and pent up male aggression. But as the party began to wind down, we knew it would take something extra awesome, and borderline illegal, to jolt it back to life. So we decided to test an old urban legend; could we make our own napalm. It turns out we could.

After gathering a surprisingly small amount of supplies, and investing but an hour into the process, we had a tub containing a sticky and less-than-legal substance. But what to do with our new-found adult Play-Doh? It was then that I remembered an important lesson that I learned from the lame-ass snake fireworks kids get on the 4th of July: hot, burning chemicals on pavement leaves the cement charred. But what, oh what, would five adult men with napalm want to permanently burn into public works? Why, a penis of course!

At roughly 1AM, we loaded up into my car and drove over to the suburbs on the other side of town, where we felt safe in knowing it'd never be traced back to us. There, out in the middle of a residential side street, the napalm artisans began using the goo to outline a magnificent giant cock in the middle of the street. I, being the wheelman, stayed in the car, prepared to make out getaway at a moments notice.

Several minutes went by, and the time had come to unleash the hell fires upon the unsuspecting neighborhood. I will say this: in my head, I thought the ensuing flames would be small, sort of like you see in the movies when someone lights a trail of gasoline on fire. Fuck no, that wasn't the case. Upon ignition, a wall of flames literally three feet high (in the shape of a big cock) engulfed the street. I promptly leaned out the window of the car and exclaimed "it's time to be going now!". We made a clean getaway, and went back the next day to check out the end result. Sure enough: giant black dick in the middle of the road. Great success.

For years afterwards, we'd go back to make sure the dick was still there. And it always was. I assumed the neighborhood attempted to clean it, but with no luck. Their kids would still ride their bicycles innocently on a big road-dick. I knew it chapped their ass, and rightfully so. Eventually, the city had to tear up that piece of road and replace it entirely. Great success again.

Here, you can see the replaced chunk of road, where Old Cocky used to reside

Nuclear Terrorism

Back in college I was, and still am, quite the explorer; me and my friends would go places just to say we'd been there. Distance, awkwardness or legality were not factors we took into consideration when choosing our roaming adventures. The usual landmarks and national parks were, often enough, able to satisfy our Indiana Jones-eque need to quest about. In this particular story, we decided to go for something more vintage...something which would get firearms pointed at us.

Our school being in the midwest afforded us a certain adventure opportunity. During the cold war, the concept of the ballistic missile complex placement in the US was generally to put them as far inland as possible, to make them the maximum distance for enemy missiles to engage. This gave us the rare treat of having plenty of decommissioned Atlas ballistic missile sites to play with.

Now, before you get all high and mighty and say "it's decommissioned, what kind of trouble could you get in?", all of these former military installations are owned by very protective and naturally eccentric land owners. They're extremely protective of them especially given the predilection for meth users to find them and turn them into meth labs. Not dissuaded by this fact me and four friends loaded up and set out for our 1950s nuclear adventure.

The closest site was a mere 10 minutes outside of town, with paved roads all the way up to it, so the adventure wasn't fraught with many Oregon Trail happenings. Rather uneventfully we pulled up to the gate and all unloaded, setting our sites on the tall military fence that remained and stood between us and the concrete glory. We also took notice of a maroon mini van cruising by us at drive-by speeds. What we were doing might not have looked so damning, if it weren't for the fact that the driver of the car was now running towards the emplacement...with a bandanna on his head...carrying a ceramic raccoon...waving a wiffle ball bat over his head. Don't ask; he was just awesome like that.

As we all got up to the fence, three of the five decided it would be best if they didn't scale the fence and enter the complex; some little hang up about breaking and entering I suppose. Thankfully, they did assist me and the wiffle ball bat toting driver over the fence. Here's the only known photo that remains from the entire event:

100% not gay

All was well once inside the complex. The early missile complexes were above ground installations, which gave us many concrete and steel structures to explore. Sadly, much of the ballistic missile shelter itself was flooded from decades of rain. We still poked around a bit though...I mean...how often do you get to play in a nuclear missile readiness site? All was going well when we noticed that quite a few police vehicles had coalesced at the front gate...

Happily for us, these weren't normal cops, but portly sheriffs; they had no way of reaching us on the other side of the fence. We saw them detaining the people that hadn't entered the complex, and motioning for us to come over to them. Following their instructions, we went back to the section of fence we scaled to get in. Beyond the obvious law enforcement issue at hand, another hindsight of ours became clear to us at this point. As seen in the photo, we needed help to enter in the first place; our exit would not be as seamless.

They insisted we exit the complex immediately so that they could have a little "chat" with us. Being the smart-ass that I am, and knowing the sheriffs had no other recourse, I responded with "mind helping me out of here? It was hard as hell to get in in the first place.". Apparently they did not think this was a fair proposal, and left me to my own awkward exit devices.

Several minutes of struggling later, we were both back on the outside again. We were immediately presented with forms to fill out so that the officers could extract all of our pertinent info. They then informed us that all trespassing and unlawful entry charges aside, the reason they were called was that they had received a report of bandanna-clad terrorists running into the installation, and it was assumed that we were probably crazy meth heads.

After talking to us, they weren't quite sure that we WEREN'T meth heads, because no matter what we said, they couldn't understand what we were doing in an old missile emplacement with a ceramic raccoon. They even searched the inside of the raccoon to make sure we hadn't stashed drugs in it, but were eventually forced to conclude that we were a bunch of retarded college students.

They took individual as well as group photos of us (including us holding the raccoon), and then warned us to not come back, or they'd be forced to arrest us. We thought for sure that arrest was in our very near future, but I guess what we did was humorous enough to look past the illegality of it. To this day we're still fairly certain that in some po-dunk Kansas sheriff's office there's a photo of five idiots with a ceramic raccoon; and that the officers will be telling that tale for quite some time.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

CNN: Totally Legit

Breaking News

Japan Death Toll

4000 more bodies were discovered in Japan today, bringing the total to.....we interrupt this story to bring you a shocking hole-in-plane discovery...

Suspected Bullet Hole In Airliner

Shocking news today as airline officials have spotted a hole in the fuselage of a commercial aircraft. Sources indicate that this hole could potentially be from a bullet. So far, this hole has contributed to exactly zero deaths, and it's estimated that multiples of that number are to be expected when all is said and done.

The State Department and US military are looking into rumors that the hole is somehow Gaddafi related. President Obama has set all US military aircraft that aren't already bombing the Libya on alert to cover all eventualities.

We'll be sure to stick with the non-moving plane and un-changing hole as this story develops.

Missing NYC Cobra

More on the continuing cobra loose in NYC story we brought you earlier: officials still don't know where the snake is, and warn that it could kill anyone in NYC that it wants to. On the lighter side of news, it's fictitious Twitter account now has almost 100,000 followers.

The cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo on Saturday. Zoo officials cite being stared at by sleeveless New Yorkers day in and day out as the primary cause  of the snakes disappearance.

Hole in Plane Update

Terrifying update: scientists and local police now believe that the cobra has now gone INTO the hole in the parked plane. We can only imagine the untold horrors that could be taking place in that plane riddled with holes and cobras.

For more first-hand information on the untold horrors taking place on that plane, we go live to our reporter in the field:

Middle Earth Conflicts

CNN now returns you to live coverage of Operation Whack-A-Mole: the US occupation of both the Middle East and Africa, collectively now referred to as Middle Earth.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Popular Misconceptions Demystified by Me

Misconception 1 - Pedestrians have the right of way

How many people do I have to plow down before people stop believing this ridiculous rumor? If you don't have enough fear and respect for fast moving machines, then by all means, please dart out into the streets. Your stance on the human / 2000lb metal-sled relationship will be set proper in a matter of seconds.

Having the so called right of way isn't a free pass to play in the fucking street with disregard. Sure I may get sent to jail for hitting you, but you'll be fucking dead....victory: me.

This is what the average person sees when encountering pedestrians:


This is what I see:

Pedestrians have the right of way; unless they're in the way.

Misconception 2 - Cheating on your significant other is a serious mistake

Forgetting your briefcase...a mistake
Adding improperly...a mistake
Farting in class....a funny mistake
Going shopping and ending up in vagina instead....not a mistake

Unless you were sleeping, or immediately pulled out and ran away, then you allowed it to happen. There is only ONE case where cheating is a mistake...other then doing a fatty, which makes two....that's if she hides in the forest and covers her gaping hole with leaves and you fall into it like some sort of snare trap.

Jesus! My penis almost fell right into her mouth!
That was a close call.

Misconception 3 - Slowing down when you see a cop will prevent him from pulling you over

What, are you retarded? You're doing 75 in a 65, then you see a cop and slow down to 60. What sense does that make?

Do you think he thought "oh, that guy's only doing 60. That's even LESS then the speed limit, I'm going to double not pull him over."

How many different stages of pull you over are there? Two. He either pulls you over or doesn't. There isn't a middle option where he pulls you over and then just drives off, just to scare you. If he's going to pull you over, it's a done deal. He won't see you driving extra-legally and extra not pull you over. Think he'll remember how good and slow you were going and reward you later?

"Well sir, you were doing 110, in a 75....but...I do remember clocking you at
40 in a 75 the other day, so I  guess I can let this one slide."
For Christ's sake, what's the point of doing 60 in a 65 when you see a police office. Just do 72 or 73 like everyone else and don't fucking change it. When I see you doing 60 to, so you can get less than no ticket at all, it makes me wish I had a way of teleporting monkeys with AIDS into your car so they could bite you about the face/neck region until you were puffy and dead.

Misconception 4 - Taking stairs two at a time instead of one saves time

The perfect mode of transportation for those that seemingly value their time, but not their self image. Kudos, you pretentious cock.

Look out second step! Here I come! I totally don't look like a sack of fuck walking
up a staircase like this. And I saved 6.4 seconds!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Work Pissing Instructions

How To Piss At Work

Step 1
Go into one of the few stalls meant for shitting, instead of one of the several urinals.

Step 2
Lift up toilet seat.

Step 3
Bring your dick out.

Step 4
Aim for water, but miss and coat the entire toilet rim with piss.

Step 5
Correct this situation by re-aiming your dick, missing again, and creating piss puddles all over the floor.

Step 6
Third times a charm. Re-aim again, and finally unleash your stream into the toilet properly.

Step 7
Finish pissing, and put your dick away. But don't flush.

Step 8
Leave stall. Still don't flush; leave for others to enjoy.

Step 9
Don't wash your hands, and go back to work fondling public items.

Rare Safety Signs

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Reasons I Got In Trouble In College: Part 2

Inappropriate Use of Housing Equipment

Most nights in student housing were pretty devoid of activities, apart from TV or sex. As such, me and my friends had to find entertainment options, usually involving unwitting participants. Most of these games were usually harmless; and by harmless, I mean that we didn't get any sanctions against us as a result. A few of the games, however, were not so fun for others.

One of these games was called the vacuum game. You see, student housing had old-ass vacuums that had a mechanical switch to turn them off and on. During this game, we'd wait till shortly before midnight, and then retrieve a vacuum from the hall closet. With the power cord completely unfurled, but unplugged, we'd switch the vacuum into the on position. Then, we'd sneak into a room where both occupants were sleeping (dumbasses never locked their doors), and place the vacuum gently into the middle of the room, with the cord trailing out into the hallway. We'd then exit the room, close the door, and plug the vacuum in into one of the hallway outlets, bringing the loud beast to life. The goal of the game was to see which resident could last the longest in their rooms before coming out in a rage. One guy lasted almost five minutes before he noticed...

Another fun, but short lived, game was the stalactite game. The ceilings in the dining room kitchen were made of some shitty cardboard, painted white. Knowing how soft they were, one of my friends would take a bunch of steak knives and throw them point-first into the ceiling tiles, so that they'd stick and dangle there. The object of the game was to lure other occupants of the hall into standing right under them, and carry on a conversation with them for as long as you could to keep them in that spot. Eventually, either a knife would fall, or they'd catch on to us constantly gazing up at the ceiling directly above them. We were sadistic fucks back then.

Let's just say, student housing did not find the game as enjoyable as much as 4% of the hall did. I guess they had some aversion to bodily injury via knife.

Inciting Campus Violence

During the early parts of my college career, a world event took place that sparked much controversy; the second invasion of Iraq. Being that our university was the pinnacle of liberal areas in the entire state, naturally a lot of students felt they needed to voice their opinions about this. Let me preface this story by saying the following: I'm not a conservative. I'm 100% pro voicing your dissenting opinion, as long as you doing that doesn't interfere with my day-to-day happenings.

Hundreds of idiot students felt however, that their views could be best expressed by blocking the main sidewalk on campus, holding picket signs, and yelling at students passing by to sign some bullshit petition that would ultimately change nothing. I did not approve.

Taking advantage my one of my friends abilities to drive on campus, thanks to a handicapped placard, I decided to strike. I took several large pieces of cardboard, and fashioned them together into an old-fashioned sandwich board. Then wrote on both sides, in large black marker, "Hippies Go Home". I think we can see where this is going.

My friend and his car, me and my sandwich board, and another friend with a video camera set out on our strike mission; with the aim to give students the ability to safely use the sidewalk sans-harassment. Video camera man walked there ahead of us, and pretended to just be filming the rally, surely giving the protesters a false sense of importance. Little did they know, that in a matter of minutes I had arrive and exited the incursion vehicle with my board o' sensibility, when I then began chanting the aforementioned message displayed on it.

Naturally, several of the more uppity hippies were greatly offended by my ability to protest their protest. Perhaps even fueled by the rage of knowing that mine would have far more impact than theirs. Regardless, after several minutes of chanting and intimidation, I had to reenter the incursion vehicle and exit; lest the people protesting the unnecessary use of violence on innocent Iraqis use unnecessary force against an innocent student. Thus completing the cycle of asinine and contradictory things hippies pretend to care about.

This would have been a less offensive sign, it seems

Assault on Woodland Animals

One day after receiving my recommended daily value of education, I was walking home and noticed an odd sound coming from right outside next to the building fire escape. Naturally, I made my way out to the 'scape to investigate.

What I found was a squirrel out on nearby tree limb, making squeaking sounds, with one of it's leg lifted up. I was saddened by the creatures seemingly obvious injury. Others noticed my outside activities, and came out as well, where I shared my sadness with them. But then...it happened

The squirrel, whom I thought was quite plainly injured, stopped making the noise and started walking around on all fours with no noticeable limping. That's right; he was a faker, and he was going to pay for his ruse. I armed myself with several small rocks from the rock garden below the 'scape, and began and unrelenting carpet bombing of tree-dwelling rodents, the likes of which the world had never seen.

Because I'm white, I never actually hit the squirrel, although that didn't stop it from making angry chattering noises at me. Soon, I had exhausted my supply of rocks, and knew my vengeance would need to take a better, and more efficient form. Luckily, I had an idea for just such a thing. I hid myself inside the building, and watched from a nearby window, waiting for the squirrel to celebrate his supposed victory over me. After a few minutes, I witnessed the squirrel climb down the tree, and go to the spot where it had been burying precious walnuts for use in the winter.

I sprang into action and marched, chest all puffed out, over to newly revealed cache. The squirrel jumped into another tree, and just watched; watched as I grabbed his precious food stuffs and took them back into my residence. I knew when winter came, he'd be in a world of hurt, and he'd probably have to rethink his actions; assuming he even lived.

Boo fucking hoo, it's a damn squirrel. Get over it.

Bazooka or not, without walnuts, he's as good as dead

Nature's Swiss Army Knife

Many items in nature serve varying degrees of purpose, some of which aren't even limited to being humorous to me. Today I'm here to talk about one such ambidextrous creature: the common scary fuckin' bee.

Let me preface all this bee talk by saying: fuck bees. I don't like them. I don't like their colors. I don't like their stinging asses. I don't like how they taste. I don't like the fact that they don't fear or even respect the fact that I yell at them. Additionally, on the list of animals to have sex with they are near the bottom...along with fat people.

Despite all these negative reasons, bees do have many useful purposes; which I will now cover.

Use #1: Vessel of Fear

Let's face it, bees are frightening. They can, and will, fly around you while wailing on you with a tiny knife. And do they travel alone? Don't count on it. Much like a flying gang of minorities, bees will fill any man's heart with fear.

Even ferocious dogs are forced to wear fagtastic clothes in an attempt to keep bees at bay.
What chance does the average man stand?

However, unlike gangs, bees care little about how young and nubile you are, or how shitty your taste in music is. They don't want to rape your daughter, just sting her while she's attempting to fool them with a clever and awkward swimsuit.

Use #2: Yum Yum Factories

Probably their best known role is that of secreting tasty, sticky fluid from their bodies so that we can put it in our mouths. While the liberal media may try to tell you that bees make honey from plant pollen, this is just a lie they tell you to keep the populace calm and under control. The truth is much more terrifying, and satisfying to watch.

Honey comes from rednecks who are sacrificed and dissolved by swarms of bees; finally allowing rednecks to be productive members of society.

Use #3: Casual Attire for Asian James Franco and Mother

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

New Advance In Japanese Cleanup Efforts

Using their advanced knowledge of robotics, the Japanese government began testing today of a new system that would cut cleanup time of the country down to a matter of weeks. Scientists and government officials in Minamisanriku unleashed the first of a proposed fleet of giant Roomba robots today, which will roam the countryside, sweeping them free of debris.

Shown here prior to activation, at its control center at a local school.

Aerial photo taken just minutes after the robots initialization.

Scientists estimate that this program will have the country roughly 90-95% clean in just two and a half weeks. All the collected trash will be disposed of in the appropriately sized waste disposal site "New Jersey", that's been used for decades. The only potential problem, the scientists state, is that the Roombas are poor at navigating any obstructions, including hills.

Taken 15 minutes later, we can see the interaction with one of literally thousands of obstacles the Roombas will encounter.

This is exciting and harrowing news for a country that's had so much devastation and sadness as of late. As such, the Japanese people are welcoming their new robot overlords with tears of joy.

No word yet on how Mothra will react to the anticipated fleet of 20 robots that will be released, but officials are confident they will accomplish their tasks without much hindrance; apart from the slight hills and overturned ships in their paths, which will force them to re-route.

Japanese citizens are urged to stay out of the path of the Roombas, as they will either lead to immediate death, or a not so immediate transplant to New Jersey.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Reasons I Got In Trouble In College: Part 1

College is almost always the pinnacle of one's shenanigans career; it's simply too easy for crazy shit to happen when you are surrounded by friends and free time constantly. I've always been one to do anything for a good laugh, but occasionally the shenanigans would go too far and lead to a wall of reprimands falling upon me. With that in mind, I present to you a glorious list of some of the reasons I got in trouble during my college career.

Fake Parking Passes

At my college, parking on campus was horrendously difficult to find, and strictly controlled by a series of color-coded areas. These areas corresponded to the amount of corporate dick you sucked, with the best color (gold) indicating you could literally park on top of handicapped people if you wanted. Combine the above fact with my predilection towards being crafty, hating to have to walk from parking spots miles away and expert Photoshop skills, and the solution becomes obvious.

I would use a digital camera to take a detailed photo of a top-tier parking pass hanging in someones car, and then scurry home to begin my magic. I combined the digital pseudo parking pass with my legitimate student housing parking pass that all students receive, and then topped it off with a few coats of clear coat to prevent fading and give the shiny plastic appearance of a legitimate pass.

No telling how many spots I stole from legitimate cock-suckers using this method for about six months, but apparently I did it enough for parking enforcement to get tipped off. They begrudgingly respected my ability to pull the wool over their eyes, but still added my license plate to a list of prohibited vehicles. Luckily for me, I had several fake temporary plates that I'd switch out for my real one after I parked...

Assault with Cleaning Products

On a weekly basis (weather permitting), the student housing hall I lived in would have a night water balloon fight with the hall next to us. After several months of spending my Thursday nights making little water balloons to pelt a bunch of dicks with, I realized this was neither an efficient use of my time nor strong enough a weapon to assert our dominance over the other hall.

Using my ingenuity and an unsanctioned tactic, I took one of the housekeeping 10 gallon plastic trash bags, loaded it into a mop bucket, and filled it roughly half way full using one of the showers. I equated this to a daisy cutter to the usual water balloons 50 caliber bullet.

I wheeled this behemoth out to the third floor fire escape, and waited patiently. After a brief few minutes, sure enough, an "opposing" member was spotted standing underneath the fire escape, wielding a Super Soaker water gun. I hoisted the beast and released it to target below. Just to give you an idea of power this thing possessed: a gallon of water weighs just north of 8 pounds. In this case, that's roughly ~42 pounds of water falling from almost 30 feet in the air...

To my surprise, as I released the "fat man", the unsuspecting target was made suspected as he looked up to see the bag mid-air. He didn't move though, and like a champ, took all ~42 pounds of water to his face. The physics of the plastic bag meant that the top half of his body was instantly covered in the bag (much like rolling on a large plastic condom), and the bottom half of him was entirely drenched in the resulting blast.

He never said anything afterwards, just scurried off into the night. I assume he survived, but I'll never know. What I do know is that I got called to the housing department to have the swift cock of the law shoot it's justice all over me.

Pretend Public Events

During my sophomore year I decided that I again needed to put my Photoshop skills to good use. However, this time I wanted to do something larger, and more on the side of funny. Our chancellor at the time was a stalky man named Robert Hemenway; and I had always joked that I thought he looked like he had the physique of an old wrestler. I decided this would be my launching point.

I spent a few hours concocting my masterpiece, which I have since lost. Allow me, however, to describe to you its glorious content. On the left, using a photo I found of a legitimate wrestler wearing a business suit, was ol' Mr. Hemenway in a fighting stance. On the right was a Kodiak bear standing on its hind legs. Below that was a caption that read "Chancellor Bob wrestles a bear", followed by the date and location of this very real event. At the time, it was easy to see all these details, as you could find photocopies of this flyer posted all over campus.

Apparently age and wiseness are linked, as the administration quickly knew this event wasn't real, while students were not as clued in. I remember reading a section of one of the local student papers, informing students that this was a farce, and that Chancellor Bob was in no way going to wrestle a Kodiak bear. That didn't stop several of them from showing up at the allotted time however, forcing me to go "underground" for a while.

You tell me this doesn't look like the face of a man that would wrestle a bear

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Cosmopolitan Magazine - Fuck Magic

In our never-ending quest to provide our readers a list of new, exciting, and never done before ways to please their man every single week, we now present this weeks HOT!!! new sexy list that's sure to keep your man putting up with your shit for a while longer.

10 Top Dirty, Sexy Moves Your Man Loves in Bed

1 Giving a Ham-mer

Here's a top tip for when it's time for oral pleasure on your man. Prior to chugging it down, make a nice ham sandwich. Chew up a bite of that sandwich and keep it in your mouth, then begin the blowing. The ham chunks will drive his cock wild!
2 Happy Snapper

While performing oral blowjobbing on your man, take a rubber band in one hand, and use the other hand to position that rubber band into a firing or snapping position. Repeatedly snap your man directly in his taint in this style. Let the release of potential energy push his release over the edge!

3 The Barber Shop

While having sex, climb up and ride your man cowgirl style. While fucking his brains out, get a pair of scissors and begin trimming your pubes; letting the pubes rain down on his stomach. The thought of your commitment to hygiene and multitasking will make his cock harder than ever!
4 The Convection Oven

Let your man take you missionary style. When he's up to his nuts, pull your knees up to your chest. Your man will think you're helping him get extra deep up in your crevice, but then surprise him by blowing a warm fart on his dangling balls. Guaranteed to drive him wild and fog up the windows with passion!

5 The Conquistador

Let your man have sex with you in his favorite position. Really get into it, with moaning and letting him know he's really rippin' and tearin' it up. Then, as he nears his climax, let him know that the blanket you two are using is covered in the smallpox virus. Nothing fires up your man's sex drive more than either the thought of getting caught, or the thought of certain death!
6 The Pig in a Blanket

With the warm summer months fast approaching, here's a summer treat you can give your man. After a long day at work, surprise your man with a handjob; but not just any ordinary handjob. First, place a slice of American cheese in the palm of your hand, and then proceed to tug him out. This makes for a creamy summer treat that he's sure to enjoy!

7 American's Sexiest Home Surprise

Surprise your man during a planned evening of sex with a video camera. Film your hot and wild acts, and when done, surprise him with the tapes by duplicating them and leaving them at his place of work and with his friends and family. The idea of filming the action and watching it later with friends and strangers is a sexy gift that keeps on giving!
8 F-Bombs

Few things will excite your man in the heat of the moment as much as a well-timed sexy comment reinforcing how well he's doing. To really turn up the heat, try a few of these sexy sayings:
  • "Oh yeah baby! Your dick is so strong! Like retard-strength strong!"
  • "Fuck me baby! Your cock feels amazing! Like a vine-ripened cucumber!"
  • "You like that daddy? Yeah! I like it when you make my period late!"
  • "Yeah, slap my ass! I love to explain away those sexy bruises you give me!"
  • "Sex man! Na na na na na na na na na, sex man!"
9 Bejeweled

It's a well-known fact that the way to any man's heart is through his stomach. It's also known that vajazzling is a sexy and legitimate means of seduction. Why not combine the two! Instead of using rhinestones for your vajazzle job, using bacon bits. It's a sexy and salty treat that's sure to keep him coming back for more!

10 The Pussy Bank

Here's a sexy game you can play with your man! Light a few candles around the bedroom, and really set the intimate mood for the evening. As things start to heat up, tell your man that instead of sex, you want him to fill your lady-dew lined love-purse with all the loose change he can find. It's not only a fun and sexy game for you both, but it also helps you manage your finances!