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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Critical Massholes

By Critical Mass, I refer to the bicycle hipsters in the following gif:

Which was taken at a recent Critical Mass event held in Brazil; which was the best one yet, with 15 injured, and 8 in the hospital.

For those of you that don't know, Critical Mass is an event for hipsters and douches alike, that started two decades ago in San Francisco. The point of the program / event is to raise bicycle awareness by, no embellishment added, "getting in everyone's way".

For those that survived the event, kudos. You've successfully raised awareness, if the awareness you were hoping to raise was the "I fucking hate every one of you more than I already did" kind. Bikes are not cars, and no matter how much you think you're entitled to a pieces of the earth designated for horseless carriages, you're not.

But just so I'm not missing some vital part of your group's credo, let me run through it and see if I understand all the finer points of your organization:
  • You're upset that you have to share the road in a way that doesn't give you the ultimate right-of-way
  • Using this common rage you form a large, upwardly-mobile mob
  • Said mob roams around pre-designated areas, disobeying all traffic laws in the process
  • While disregarding all laws, you attempt to raise awareness by impeding vehicular traffic
  • Afterwards, presumably, you all get together for a crunchy game of hacky sack.
I think that about sums it up.

Let me remind you Massholes of a few key elements that you may have forgotten, somewhere between your fifth and sixth bong rip:
  • Roads are not built for you, but you're allowed to use them
  • Car owners don't take lightly to the inability to drive around just because you spandex-wearing lot are trying to prove a point
  • Even more so, no one outside your group give two shits about your "plight"
  • On average, a car weighs 12 times as much you and moves at speeds that are multiples of yours
  • Insurance to repair a car is cheaper, and any associated jail time less painful, than any medical bills or shattered limbs
What part of cruising down the middle of the fucking street seemed like a good idea to you all? Not a one of you thought it might be stupid, and that you could better raise awareness through other means? Do you see cars getting together once a month and blocking your safe operation?

Massholes are the same people that walk three or four abreast down a sidewalk, and force you to walk in the street when coming from the other direction. No one's time is as valuable as theirs, it seems, so it doesn't matter who else is inconvenienced.

Public space is not your exclusive domain. Either learn to follow the rules like everyone else, or get used to being wedged under automobiles.

You're so extreme, Broseph. People will be sure to respect you and your Schwinn now.

The real victim here is:

The poor Volkswagen that had to be injured, all so that a few hundred hipsters could feebly attempt to make some point. Look on the bright side, VW, you got to live the dream that so many of us have wanted to live for so long: bashing the fuck out of bike douches with complete disregard towards the outcome. Bravo.


  1. If only that dude on the pavement died... it would be a hipster crime scene, and the chalk outlining his body would include the iPod (or wtfever) that is by his side. The eulogy for it would be longer than its owner's.

  2. Don't talk about the death of his iPod. It's harshing their tasty buzzes.

  3. lol
    I was looking for the great gif of justice and found this blog
    I love you man, your text is 100% right.