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Thursday, March 31, 2011

National Alert: The Invasion Has Begun

Today is truly a day that will live in infamy for all Americans. It's sad to say that with all of our advanced technology and military hardware, we were ill prepared to deal with this situation, and as a result, the US as we know it will never be the same. March 31st, 2011 will forever be remember as the day the animals invaded.

What we thought were isolated events in Florida / Louisiana with feral pigs, and in New York with rats turned out only to the be the tip of a, quite literally, much larger beast. Starting early this morning, scattered reports of large groups of wild animals at large as well as animal attacks were being reported all around the nation. At 7:05 AM our news producer reported the below events from his phone while calling 911 for help. We warn you, what you see below will tell a terrifying story; young readers beware.

Transcript of Producers Call

Operator "Hello?"
Producer "Hello?! Oh, thank God I got through! Something very odd is going on. I'm trapped in my car, and I'm being terrified by an odd collection of animals!"
Operator "You're saying that there's animals outside your car right now? Like pit-bulls, or what? Are you injured?"
Producer "I'm fine right now, and no, they're not pit-bulls. They're not even dogs. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Oh god! They hitting my car now! I think they're trying to get in..."
Operator "Sir, please stay calm. Can you tell me where you are currently so that we can dispatch a police unit to assist you?"
Producer "I'm at 759......Oh Christ! Oh *static* inside *static* *static* tell wife *static* *static* *screaming*"
End of Call

Police arrived just a few minutes later, and found his car in quite a damaged state, but were unable to locate him anywhere. They did manage to retrieve his phone, which contained the below photos; taken just moments before his disappearance.

Security camera footage from across the street manage to capture this video, believed to have been taken and roughly the same time:

Meanwhile, similar stories were developing all over the country.


The entire town of Arcadia appears to have been exterminated. Early reports indicated that hundreds of peacocks appeared in the town and systematically began destroying all power and communication hard lines, severing the town's connection to the outside world. Concerned residents of one neighborhood took the following photo:

Due to the lack of communication options, a National Guard deployment was sent to investigate and confirm the status of the citizens. All homes were found broken into, with countless dead bodies strewn throughout the entire city.

Approximate Causalities: 56,000


Even the calm midwest wasn't spared. According to the last known reports, packs of donkeys and camels began working together, applying all their efforts towards eating anyone they could find. Even the children were not safe from the brutal slaughter at the hooves and teeth of the savage beasts.

Approximate Causalities: 82,500

Washington State

Disturbing photos show what appear to be gangs of unhappy rhesus monkeys drowning local residents in the Pacific Ocean. Beware, extremely graphic photo below:

The monkeys were too spry and numerous for anyone to stand a chance. It's feared that the majority of Washington is now under rhesus control; their destruction is said to be spreading inland at alarming speeds.

Approximate Causalities: 120,400


Most destructive and diabolical thus far is a gruesome report from Philadelphia. Shortly before the city went silent, Army recon teams inside the city captured this startling and alarming photo indicating that the destruction of the city and its residents was caused by a fleet of attack spiders, with forward commanding felines leading the charge:

Approximate Causalities: 1,500,000

However, the story that is most shocking by far was that this unprecedented attack on America was possibly known about almost a full week ago. We've just learned from a source inside the Pentagon, that the Department of Homeland Security had, while following a tip-off about terrorist cells inside the US, stumbled across a command and control center located deep in New York City. They acquired the following photo, but were unable to confirm its meaning before today's events took place.

I wish the best to all of you out there in our greatest hour need; God knows we're going to need it. I urge you all to seek shelter, preferably underground, and far away from major metropolitan areas. The government is expected to announce martial law in a press conference later today, in the hopes of returning America to Americans as soon as possible. Good luck, and God speed to all of you.

Breaking Update

In what appeared to be a victory for the US Army just moments ago, intelligence came in that the animal uprising in Atlanta, Georgia had been crushed; although not without significant Army causalities. Soldiers and Army leaders were in a state of jubilation over what was hoped to be the first of many American victories over the invaders. However, less than an hour after the victory, helicopters circling the city relayed news that in a massive retaliation effort, a herd of attack guinea pigs leveled the entire city with a salvo of Soviet tactical FROG missiles.

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