Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, March 21, 2011

Reasons I Got In Trouble In College: Part 1

College is almost always the pinnacle of one's shenanigans career; it's simply too easy for crazy shit to happen when you are surrounded by friends and free time constantly. I've always been one to do anything for a good laugh, but occasionally the shenanigans would go too far and lead to a wall of reprimands falling upon me. With that in mind, I present to you a glorious list of some of the reasons I got in trouble during my college career.

Fake Parking Passes

At my college, parking on campus was horrendously difficult to find, and strictly controlled by a series of color-coded areas. These areas corresponded to the amount of corporate dick you sucked, with the best color (gold) indicating you could literally park on top of handicapped people if you wanted. Combine the above fact with my predilection towards being crafty, hating to have to walk from parking spots miles away and expert Photoshop skills, and the solution becomes obvious.

I would use a digital camera to take a detailed photo of a top-tier parking pass hanging in someones car, and then scurry home to begin my magic. I combined the digital pseudo parking pass with my legitimate student housing parking pass that all students receive, and then topped it off with a few coats of clear coat to prevent fading and give the shiny plastic appearance of a legitimate pass.

No telling how many spots I stole from legitimate cock-suckers using this method for about six months, but apparently I did it enough for parking enforcement to get tipped off. They begrudgingly respected my ability to pull the wool over their eyes, but still added my license plate to a list of prohibited vehicles. Luckily for me, I had several fake temporary plates that I'd switch out for my real one after I parked...

Assault with Cleaning Products

On a weekly basis (weather permitting), the student housing hall I lived in would have a night water balloon fight with the hall next to us. After several months of spending my Thursday nights making little water balloons to pelt a bunch of dicks with, I realized this was neither an efficient use of my time nor strong enough a weapon to assert our dominance over the other hall.

Using my ingenuity and an unsanctioned tactic, I took one of the housekeeping 10 gallon plastic trash bags, loaded it into a mop bucket, and filled it roughly half way full using one of the showers. I equated this to a daisy cutter to the usual water balloons 50 caliber bullet.

I wheeled this behemoth out to the third floor fire escape, and waited patiently. After a brief few minutes, sure enough, an "opposing" member was spotted standing underneath the fire escape, wielding a Super Soaker water gun. I hoisted the beast and released it to target below. Just to give you an idea of power this thing possessed: a gallon of water weighs just north of 8 pounds. In this case, that's roughly ~42 pounds of water falling from almost 30 feet in the air...

To my surprise, as I released the "fat man", the unsuspecting target was made suspected as he looked up to see the bag mid-air. He didn't move though, and like a champ, took all ~42 pounds of water to his face. The physics of the plastic bag meant that the top half of his body was instantly covered in the bag (much like rolling on a large plastic condom), and the bottom half of him was entirely drenched in the resulting blast.

He never said anything afterwards, just scurried off into the night. I assume he survived, but I'll never know. What I do know is that I got called to the housing department to have the swift cock of the law shoot it's justice all over me.

Pretend Public Events

During my sophomore year I decided that I again needed to put my Photoshop skills to good use. However, this time I wanted to do something larger, and more on the side of funny. Our chancellor at the time was a stalky man named Robert Hemenway; and I had always joked that I thought he looked like he had the physique of an old wrestler. I decided this would be my launching point.

I spent a few hours concocting my masterpiece, which I have since lost. Allow me, however, to describe to you its glorious content. On the left, using a photo I found of a legitimate wrestler wearing a business suit, was ol' Mr. Hemenway in a fighting stance. On the right was a Kodiak bear standing on its hind legs. Below that was a caption that read "Chancellor Bob wrestles a bear", followed by the date and location of this very real event. At the time, it was easy to see all these details, as you could find photocopies of this flyer posted all over campus.

Apparently age and wiseness are linked, as the administration quickly knew this event wasn't real, while students were not as clued in. I remember reading a section of one of the local student papers, informing students that this was a farce, and that Chancellor Bob was in no way going to wrestle a Kodiak bear. That didn't stop several of them from showing up at the allotted time however, forcing me to go "underground" for a while.

You tell me this doesn't look like the face of a man that would wrestle a bear

No comments:

Post a Comment