Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, March 28, 2011

Popular Misconceptions Demystified by Me

Misconception 1 - Pedestrians have the right of way

How many people do I have to plow down before people stop believing this ridiculous rumor? If you don't have enough fear and respect for fast moving machines, then by all means, please dart out into the streets. Your stance on the human / 2000lb metal-sled relationship will be set proper in a matter of seconds.

Having the so called right of way isn't a free pass to play in the fucking street with disregard. Sure I may get sent to jail for hitting you, but you'll be fucking dead....victory: me.

This is what the average person sees when encountering pedestrians:


This is what I see:

Pedestrians have the right of way; unless they're in the way.

Misconception 2 - Cheating on your significant other is a serious mistake

Forgetting your briefcase...a mistake
Adding improperly...a mistake
Farting in class....a funny mistake
Going shopping and ending up in vagina instead....not a mistake

Unless you were sleeping, or immediately pulled out and ran away, then you allowed it to happen. There is only ONE case where cheating is a mistake...other then doing a fatty, which makes two....that's if she hides in the forest and covers her gaping hole with leaves and you fall into it like some sort of snare trap.

Jesus! My penis almost fell right into her mouth!
That was a close call.

Misconception 3 - Slowing down when you see a cop will prevent him from pulling you over

What, are you retarded? You're doing 75 in a 65, then you see a cop and slow down to 60. What sense does that make?

Do you think he thought "oh, that guy's only doing 60. That's even LESS then the speed limit, I'm going to double not pull him over."

How many different stages of pull you over are there? Two. He either pulls you over or doesn't. There isn't a middle option where he pulls you over and then just drives off, just to scare you. If he's going to pull you over, it's a done deal. He won't see you driving extra-legally and extra not pull you over. Think he'll remember how good and slow you were going and reward you later?

"Well sir, you were doing 110, in a 75....but...I do remember clocking you at
40 in a 75 the other day, so I  guess I can let this one slide."
For Christ's sake, what's the point of doing 60 in a 65 when you see a police office. Just do 72 or 73 like everyone else and don't fucking change it. When I see you doing 60 to, so you can get less than no ticket at all, it makes me wish I had a way of teleporting monkeys with AIDS into your car so they could bite you about the face/neck region until you were puffy and dead.

Misconception 4 - Taking stairs two at a time instead of one saves time

The perfect mode of transportation for those that seemingly value their time, but not their self image. Kudos, you pretentious cock.

Look out second step! Here I come! I totally don't look like a sack of fuck walking
up a staircase like this. And I saved 6.4 seconds!

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