Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Mass Effect 4 Gameplay Preview

Through much legwork, lots of hacking work, and some reach-around work, I've come into possession of information not yet seen anywhere outside of Bioware software. Prepare to be blown away. Set your erect computer-gaming nipples to stun, because by clicking on the newly-discovered logo below you'll find an interactive demo of the first 20 minutes of gameplay in Mass Effect 4!

Monday, July 9, 2012

So Long, And Thanks For All The Internets

Well, folks, it's all over for me. It's the end of the road, but it's been a fun journey. We've had some good laughs, some good pixels, some good internets, but all rides come to an end. Unfortunately, mine is ending sooner than I'd like, simply because I committed a hate crime, and must now face the consequences. Allow me to elaborate.

Like all racially-motivated crimes of hate, mine started at a local Great Khan's Mongolian BBQ establishment.

Since the courts will likely need a verbose explanation of my crimes, I've whipped up a handy diagram to explain my extreme guilt, likely leading to my permanent incarceration. The key to the diagram is as follows:

The Fonz giving an awesome thumbs up Me
Cheech wearing culturally correct Mongolian head garb Great Khan's employees
Martin Lawrence as Big Momma Sassy black mother building piles of food on her tray
"I fucking love coloring" kid Annoying child of mother, playing a Nintendo DS

Here we can see the state of things shortly after I paid my $8, earning the right to amass my piles of meats and veggies on my plate. Look out lamb meat, here I come!

Following normal, societal norms, sassy black lady and I both continued on our linear accoutrement journey through the various ingredient stations. Take note however, that her spawn is roughly stationary.

The issue outlined in the previous frame has become an ever more pressing matter now. As we can see, I'm right next to the child, which is highly engrossed in whatever games kids play nowadays; likely some simulation where you try to impregnate as many high school girls as possible. Regardless, the spawn is now physically blocking me from getting at the broccoli and bean sprouts, while the mother is miles away.

Despite looming directly over this impediment, my comments of "please participate in the line", and "jesus christ" simply fell upon deaf years. It was hail mary time.

I pulled from my bag of tricks a little move I like to call "shove the little black kid". Hate crime: committed.

The hint was well received, as he moved the fuck on, but at what price? I'll likely spend the rest of my life in prison, once news of this egregious assault reverberates through the African American community. I was only one more shoved black kid away from getting the chair, I'm sure.

The people that really suffer here, aside from the kid that was slightly jostled, are you, my loyal blog readers. I doubt I'll be able to continue contributing articles once I'm serving out my life sentence. And for that, I apologize to all of you. But not to that kid. You don't stand between a man and his cooked lamb meat. Some lessons are learned the hard way, but he knows that now.

So long, readers, and thanks for all the internets.