Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Yelp Reviews Of A Local Mexican Bodega

24 reviews in English
George E.
San Diego, CA


I took one look at the employees there, and knew I was in for some tasty food. They were all fat as hell!

Will be coming back here often!

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Becky. C.
San Diego, CA


I. Am. Effing. Impressed.

This place had both roosters AND unidentifiable dogs running around the store; that's pretty effing authentic if you ask me. This place is the real deal!

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Cletus T.
San Diego, CA


Boycott this place! The Mayans are plotting to end the world THIS YEAR!

I'm not sure where in Mexico Maya is, but we can't fund these terrorists!

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Percival P.S.
San Diego, CA


I had never heard of this place before, but a friend turned me on to it. And I'm sure glad they did.

I went in for avocados and came out with a our lady of Guadalupe mural for the back window of my BMW. Love this place!

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Kelly O.
San Diego, CA


This place is a little grimy, but you get over it when you look at all they have to offer.

They have the best prices on produce I've found so far in the city. The only reason I gave the place three stars was that it seems like everytime I go there, I end up getting pregnant. Abortion pills (which they also sell there) are really cutting into my monthly budget at this point.

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Patrick C.
San Diego, CA


No-frills environment, amazing variety of ethnic foods.

I knocked one star off though because, frankly, the Mexican gentlemen wearing the sunglasses, with the skull covered in tattoos, that follows me around constantly informing me he's going to "raw dog" me, makes for an unsettling shopping experience. But on the other hand, you simply cannot find cucumbers for a lower price anywhere.

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Richard H.
San Diego, CA


This place smells like carnitas wrapped around hemorrhoids.

Checking out also took forever as all employees were leaning against cactuses while wearing blankets with holes in them, with large sombreros pulled over their eyes as they napped.

Was going to give it one star, but I picked up some gentlemen from the parking lot that put together all my new Ikea furniture for only $10.

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Susy R.
San Diego, CA


I always come here for Jumping Jalapenos Thursdays! It's been my routine for almost a year now.

For those that don't know, JJT is a fun game they put on every week, where a fresh 3 pound bag of jalapenos is placed under a hopping low-rider on hydraulics. The first person to grab the grab without being crushed by the unnatural automotive action, gets to keep the bag as their prize!

I've gone through countless underwear from the all my victorious bloody farts! What a great store!

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Jerry S.
San Diego, CA


I once bounced a check with an unfortunate clown design on it here, and even after making them financially whole, they refused to take down the embarrassing check.

On the bright side, the bakery prices here are extremely reasonable, and my rooster has won several of the cock fights run in the back.

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Lucinda L.
San Diego, CA


I need their large burritos in and around my mouth!

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1-10 of 24 | Page 1 2 3

Thursday, April 12, 2012

28 Drunk Trolls Later

On May 4th, in the year of our lord 2012

Our jobs, our families, our lives...the world as we know it, will soon be coming to an end

As the impending darkness approaches our sleepy planet, it begins to feel like humanity has simply given up

One man with 13 machine guns takes it upon himself to save the human race from an untimely end

Trusting only his present, he races towards an uncertain future...likely filled with badass explosions

And as the time draws nearer to the end, he summons every ounce of his being to fight for everyone's right to live on







Evil, disgusting troll-beast seedling

*gratuitous fight scene*
Pew pew pew!

Back to hell with you, spawn of Satan, gestating yet another spawn of Satan!

Please, someone step up and be that man. The world needs you. I would totally do it, but, after all, I made the trailer and poster, so....I can't do everything.

Why someone would put their dick in that tree stump is beyond me. How any churches on earth are not actively attempting to terminate this demon child is even more beyond me.

Sometimes you really disappoint me, humanity. Most of the time, actually.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Effects of Juicing

Having started my rigorous juicing regiment not too long ago, I thought my readers would like to know about some of the numerous effects, both positive and negative, I've noticed in my life as a result of the fruit / vegetable intake.
Day 2
  • Starting to feel an effect. Woke up this morning with more energy than usual. Life seems like more of a natural, zesty enterprise now
  • It's not without its downfalls though, as I have now been farting non-stop for roughly 15 hours
Day 5
  • Awful dog-farts continue to pour forth from mine ass
  • I'm starting to see things more in focus than I can remember even seeing them in. Possibly time for new friends, as some people in my life that I thought were decent looking turn out to be rather troll-like
Day 12
  • I feel exceedingly radiant and powerful. This must be what James Bond feels all the time. Perhaps that also explains my sudden urge to do some wildly irresponsible gambling?
  • Farts have evolved into a continual pulpy seepage, ruining many a pair of khakis
Day 20
  • Accidentally cut my thumb pretty badly when cutting up mangoes for juicing today. It bled for about 30 seconds, but 45 minutes later, there was no wound at all. Interesting...
  • My right nipple appears to be making an electrostatic crackling noise
Day 27
  • Despite not doing muscle-building exercises, I'm noticing some substantial muscle mass being gained in my arms, torso and legs. Time spent taking photos of myself shirtless in the mirror is spiraling way out of control
  • Oddly enough, all farts and poops are gone. I mean entirely. My body has become some kind of super-efficient Thunder Dome, where one food enters, and no food leaves. This saves me roughly 90 minutes a day.
Day 35
  • I'm able to suspend 55 pounds of weights from my erect penis. Beating my personal record of 12 pounds prior to juicing, which was set after a vigorous 6-hour Golden Girls marathon
  • I'm not sure how it happened, but I feel three stories off the balcony at work today. Much to everyone's amazement, there wasn't a single scratch on me, and I got up immediately after the incident. The groundskeeper I fell on died almost instantly though, and I wish him all the best up in Mexican heaven
Day 49
  • With very little effort, I ran a 5 minute mile today; I've never done that before. Oddly enough, the woman in front of me ran it in the same time. I'm still not sure what either of us was running from
  • Even more surprisingly than that, I ejaculated for over 4 minutes continuously in the shower this morning. I've never logged those sorts of things before, but that time seems too remarkable to not be attributed to the juice
Day 53
  • The mysterious boil which has plagued my crotchal region for several months now has appeared to wither up and disappear; I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I'm not sure if this is attributed to the juice or not, but either way, I can finally get back to J-Date now
Day 62
  • Based off previous events, I wandered into the wrong part of town today after the sun went down. As expected I was summarily stabbed for being white and in the wrong place. However, as I also expected, the blade could not penetrate my skin, as it seems I'm now nearly impervious to blunt and sharp damage. Ironically enough, though, some of the assailant's words did cut rather deep
Here represented by my inner Asian woman
Day 70
  • Woke up today and intrinsically knew how to speak Italian. Thanks lettuce!
Day 77
  • I discovered this morning that I can now see through walls if I focus all my efforts on the task; coupled with my powerful juice-infused erections, this could be trouble
Day 91
  • I'm not sure how this is biologically possible, but there doesn't seem to be any other possible explanation at this point...as of this morning, I appear to be pregnant somehow. Large gain in size and mass in the region where lady bits would be if I were a lady. I knew I should have worn a condom to that damn farmer's market
Day 98
  • Woke up in the middle of the night with terrible pains in my thorax. Given my recent male-pregnancy I thought maybe I was having labor pains of some sort. Operating under this assumption and I ran to the bathroom and climbed in the tub, bracing for a water birth as I've seen happen on several TLC shows. After a short while, the pain migrated and transformed into a forceful vibration in my nutsack. Naturally, this event both made me hard and made me cry. Luckily, the vibration didn't last long, and quickly led to a concentrated beam of light firing out of my cock. This beam punched a hole in my ceiling, and presumably went far into space
  • Everything seems normal after the cock laser event
Day 110
  • The purpose of the beam has become clear. It was to signal the gods that I've attained the apex human existence, and that I was ready to transcend. I've become a Norse god; or maybe Jesus. One of the two.
  • I've also recently acquired a really stellar beard