Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Effects of Juicing

Having started my rigorous juicing regiment not too long ago, I thought my readers would like to know about some of the numerous effects, both positive and negative, I've noticed in my life as a result of the fruit / vegetable intake.
Day 2
  • Starting to feel an effect. Woke up this morning with more energy than usual. Life seems like more of a natural, zesty enterprise now
  • It's not without its downfalls though, as I have now been farting non-stop for roughly 15 hours
Day 5
  • Awful dog-farts continue to pour forth from mine ass
  • I'm starting to see things more in focus than I can remember even seeing them in. Possibly time for new friends, as some people in my life that I thought were decent looking turn out to be rather troll-like
Day 12
  • I feel exceedingly radiant and powerful. This must be what James Bond feels all the time. Perhaps that also explains my sudden urge to do some wildly irresponsible gambling?
  • Farts have evolved into a continual pulpy seepage, ruining many a pair of khakis
Day 20
  • Accidentally cut my thumb pretty badly when cutting up mangoes for juicing today. It bled for about 30 seconds, but 45 minutes later, there was no wound at all. Interesting...
  • My right nipple appears to be making an electrostatic crackling noise
Day 27
  • Despite not doing muscle-building exercises, I'm noticing some substantial muscle mass being gained in my arms, torso and legs. Time spent taking photos of myself shirtless in the mirror is spiraling way out of control
  • Oddly enough, all farts and poops are gone. I mean entirely. My body has become some kind of super-efficient Thunder Dome, where one food enters, and no food leaves. This saves me roughly 90 minutes a day.
Day 35
  • I'm able to suspend 55 pounds of weights from my erect penis. Beating my personal record of 12 pounds prior to juicing, which was set after a vigorous 6-hour Golden Girls marathon
  • I'm not sure how it happened, but I feel three stories off the balcony at work today. Much to everyone's amazement, there wasn't a single scratch on me, and I got up immediately after the incident. The groundskeeper I fell on died almost instantly though, and I wish him all the best up in Mexican heaven
Day 49
  • With very little effort, I ran a 5 minute mile today; I've never done that before. Oddly enough, the woman in front of me ran it in the same time. I'm still not sure what either of us was running from
  • Even more surprisingly than that, I ejaculated for over 4 minutes continuously in the shower this morning. I've never logged those sorts of things before, but that time seems too remarkable to not be attributed to the juice
Day 53
  • The mysterious boil which has plagued my crotchal region for several months now has appeared to wither up and disappear; I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. I'm not sure if this is attributed to the juice or not, but either way, I can finally get back to J-Date now
Day 62
  • Based off previous events, I wandered into the wrong part of town today after the sun went down. As expected I was summarily stabbed for being white and in the wrong place. However, as I also expected, the blade could not penetrate my skin, as it seems I'm now nearly impervious to blunt and sharp damage. Ironically enough, though, some of the assailant's words did cut rather deep
Here represented by my inner Asian woman
Day 70
  • Woke up today and intrinsically knew how to speak Italian. Thanks lettuce!
Day 77
  • I discovered this morning that I can now see through walls if I focus all my efforts on the task; coupled with my powerful juice-infused erections, this could be trouble
Day 91
  • I'm not sure how this is biologically possible, but there doesn't seem to be any other possible explanation at this point...as of this morning, I appear to be pregnant somehow. Large gain in size and mass in the region where lady bits would be if I were a lady. I knew I should have worn a condom to that damn farmer's market
Day 98
  • Woke up in the middle of the night with terrible pains in my thorax. Given my recent male-pregnancy I thought maybe I was having labor pains of some sort. Operating under this assumption and I ran to the bathroom and climbed in the tub, bracing for a water birth as I've seen happen on several TLC shows. After a short while, the pain migrated and transformed into a forceful vibration in my nutsack. Naturally, this event both made me hard and made me cry. Luckily, the vibration didn't last long, and quickly led to a concentrated beam of light firing out of my cock. This beam punched a hole in my ceiling, and presumably went far into space
  • Everything seems normal after the cock laser event
Day 110
  • The purpose of the beam has become clear. It was to signal the gods that I've attained the apex human existence, and that I was ready to transcend. I've become a Norse god; or maybe Jesus. One of the two.
  • I've also recently acquired a really stellar beard

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