Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Discouraged Responses to a Cat in Heat

Is your, or a cat you happen to live with, in heat? How can you be sure? And if they in fact are, how should you best respond to the situation?

There are two easy-to-recognize signs to know if your live-in bean bag creature is in heat:
  1. Is it making ceaseless sounds akin to a small gas-turbine engine, primarily during the times you'd normally be sleeping?
  2. Has it developed a Charlie Chaplin shaped growth around its hind-quarters?

If you answered yes to both of the above questions, then your cat is most regrettably in heat. While there appears to be no sure-fire way to cure your cat of this condition, and thus remove the debilitating effect upon your life, there are a few commonly applied methods that are highly discouraged. While they seem to offer solutions, they are to be avoided at all costs.

While it might seem like a shortcut to a resolution, under no circumstance are you to insert a Bic pen / Sharpie / pencil into the cat to placate it. The odds that the shape is just right to shut the cat up is slim-to-none, and you'll have one less writing utensil at your disposal.
Knowing that it's hard to estimate the size needed to fill the cat's void, triggering its silence, you might be tempted to try another approach. But it's a very bad idea to attempt to fill the cat's slot with expanding insulation foam. Would it fill the cat? Yes. The the outcome be what you're aiming for? Highly unlikely.
When humans are in heat, in general, they're looking for a good old fashioned jostling; the same concept doesn't necessarily apply to cats. As such, it's highly ill-advised to place the engorged cat into the dryer to simulate rough sex. Even on low heat, cats never fair well in the dryer. Tumble dry is no good, low heat is catastrophic, and high heat is just right out.
Even though it appears that your beast is possessed by a sinful siren demon, I assure you that attempting to exorcise the cat will yield nothing positive. Lordly incantations have zero effect on the cat's behavior, and holy water simply makes them combust.

In lieu of any real concrete solution, I would have to suggest either paying to have the cat fixed. However, those with simple tools and DIY nature, can cut costs by trying the procedure themselves at home.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

NYC Smoking Ban

Smoking has been banned from many parts of the U.S. over the last decade. New York City is now taking the war against tobacco a step further with a new law that goes into effect today, banning smoking outdoors - at beaches, boardwalks, parks, and pedestrian plazas.

The ban - which impacts 1,700 parks and 14 miles of city beaches and pedestrian plazas like those around Times Square - was passed by the City Council in February despite some lawmakers' concerns that it violated individual liberties. New York outlawed smoking in restaurants in 1995, a rule that other cities have since adopted.

Despite the new increase in anti-smoking regulation, many critics and citizens in New York are saying that it's still not enough, and want even more legislation. Under this pressure, the New York City Council passed what is arguably the strongest anti-smoking bill yet passed anywhere.

This new bill makes it mandatory for all smokers to purchase (out of pocket) their own version of a early diving bathysphere, dubbed the smokeysphere, that will contain the smoke to their own person, and force them to continue breathing it through a "hotbox" system. This system will prevent any smoke from escaping into the environment, thereby removing second-hand smoke as well as any environmental impact the smoke my have. The suit is to be worn at all times outside of their private residences, where smoking may be allowed indoors.

It's hoped that the high start-up costs of the system, coupled with it's awkward and encumbering nature will further reduce the amount of smokers in the city.

The poorest inhabitants including Bronx and Brooklyn residents will use this base model.
Wall Street employees and Staten Island residents will have access to the upgrade "gang-rape proof" model.

Any smokers found either not using, or having a leak in, their smokeysphere will be subject to either a $1,500 fine or death by East River exposure.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Industry Standard Reliablity Tests

"yes sir, this is a very fine automobile you have shown me, but one last question: can your doors support the force of an aged Guido masturbating furiously on top of them while fully extended? This is a deal breaker for me."

Although not filmed, Larry Roesch VW also performed these other crucial and accepted tests off-camera:
  • Panel Dent Test: Sales team climbed up a step-ladder and used their engorged penis' to physically smack the roof panel
    • Result: Only 3 shallow dents.
  • Water-tightness Test: They urinated into the partially open glove box and then quickly closed it. Then waited to see how long before glove box was devoid of urine.
    • Result: Took 4.2 minutes to fully drain. Urine smell remains.
  • Paint Durability Test: The salesman dry humped the front bumper / hood for a minimum of 45 minutes and see if friction / excretions eat through the paint coating.
    • Result: Minor clearcoat damage on front bumper. Attempting to repair now.
  • Fabric Stain Test: One junior member of staff climbed into the GTI's hatch, while two other member repeatedly kicked him in the dick until he started bleeding out of his orifices, onto the OEM cloth interior to see how much staining resulted.
    • Result: Blood stains absorbed, but easily concealed by the black carpet.
Try that with your Honda or Toyota!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Rapture

Well, it happened. A few people deemed nutjobs said it would happen, and I didn't believe them. What were the chances it would actually happen? I mean really; Jesus' return happening today, that's pretty far fetched. But holy fucking shit, it happened. Before the imminent rapture, I thought I'd log in and make this post just to let everyone know how wrong I was in assuming these people were just batshit insane religious whackjobs with only a tenuous grasp on reality.

I managed to snap off a photo cell phone photos directly after the descension from Heaven, which took place in San Diego, CA (God's country).

It may not look like your textbook depictions, but I assure you that this man is Jesus.

Being the messiah, he had the common courtesy to hedge after he mowed.

And then he cleaned some windows with his bare fingers.

Time for me to go grab a big ol' slice of humble pie. Goodbye cruel world, hello hellish afterlife.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Well...It's All Over

Today is truly a day that will live in infamy. A day that will be remembered for its infinite sorrows and irrevocable damage done to society as a whole. As I'm writing this, it's hard to even muster the strength to mash each key; I just don't have the willpower. As I'm sure you're all aware by now (if you have even an iota of awesomeness about you), today was the last day for Macho Man Randy Savage, or, as his friends called him, Nacho Fan Sandy Cabbage.

Fuuuuuuucccccckkkkk. The all-consuming darkness is washing over my heart, and the weight of it is almost unbearable.

Allow us attempt to alleviate some of the hurt by looking back on some of Sandy Cabbage's greatest moments:

Hell yes. Timeless attire that looks just as good today as it did in 1986.

Quite possibly the greatest album that ever was or ever will be heard by human ears.

Fuck you Wrestling Boot Band. You'll never be respected the same way "Be A Man" was.

OOOHHH YEEEAAHH! The original Technicolor Dream Coat

If you didn't have one of these growing up, your childhood was meaningless. Plain and simple.

Cool life bro

RIP November 15, 1952 – May 20, 2011.

I'm pouring out a Slim Jim onto the ground for my dead hero.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pop Culture Pop Quiz

I'll PayPal $5 to the first person to correctly guess what 90s pop culture show was centered around this house:

PayPal's service charges are roughly 79%, so you'll net a cool $1.05 if guess correctly. Motivation ahoy!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Powers of Ten

It's often wondered why it is that I don't seem to give of a shit about anything. Briefly holding my lack of shit giving at bay, allow me to take you on a magical journey to find exactly how much of a shit I give on any given subject:

100 Meters
Me as usual, just being consumed with not giving a shit. Food, books, out-of-place clocks...I can't be bothered.

10-1 Meters
Just a hand. No shits here. Move along.

10-2 Meters
Hmmm, no shits found yet.

10-3 Meters
Damn my skin looks like a freaky anus. An anus containing no figurative shits.

10-5 Meters
One of my many magic white orb guardians. It's no doubt that they've destroyed many of the shits I might have given.

10-6 Meters
Just a normal cell nucleus vagina cluster. Could any of the invisible shits be hiding in there? Let's find out!

10-7 Meters
Fuck, my chromosomes are even less organized than the rest of my life. Sadly, no mysterious shits found yet.

10-8 Meters
Those double helix's are up to no good, no uncertainties about that. But alas, even this scale doesn't reveal how little shit I give.

10-9 Meters
I'm sure there's something witty to say about these DNA base pairs, but alas...not enough shits given. And still we delve deeper...

10-10 Meters
Fuck you, outer electron shell of a carbon atom. Where my hell is my level of shit-giving hiding?

10-12 Meters
What's all this now?

10-14 Meters
Hey! Carbon nucleus! Have you seen anything that resembles a shit being given around here? No? Alright then.

10-15 Meters
Certainly, this 1 Fermi scale should reveal what we've been looking for. But frankly, it doesn't because it's still much too large of a scale.

10-18 Meters
Finally! At the scale of quarks, my long lost shits have been found. It appears that the majority of the subatomic universe is comprised of shits that I don't give. Neat!

As we can see, it takes theoretical physics to uncover the amount of shit I give. At the string theory level, my ungiven shits may actually be composed of even tinier shits that I don't give. But, frankly, I don't give a shit enough to dig into it.

Monday, May 16, 2011

This Week New Jersey News

Deli Fresh Llama
The Dalai Lama brought his message of peace Thursday to a U.S. city wracked by violence, saying one tool Americans can use toward social well-being is addressing the gap between rich and poor.

The Tibetan Buddhist spiritual leader made the remarks on a visit to New Jersey's largest city to kick off a three-day event promoting nonviolence.

When asked how the messages of the summit — which will include panel discussions by Nobel laureates and celebrities including Goldie Hawn — will reach young people in Newark struggling to find their way in violence-plagued neighborhoods, the Dalai Lama said that violence — especially among the young — is an acting out of extreme frustration.
We asked a New Jersey resident what their feelings on the significance of the Dalai Lama's visit were, and whether or not they thought it would make a positive change in their state. Their response is as follows:

Tan Jovi
Who's that queer in the dress?
Mr. Jovi then proceeded to turn around a punch a nearby woman for seemingly no reason.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Tell Me More About Your Kids

Man oh man do I love hearing about your kids. They do so many breathtaking and inspiring things that I fully understand why you feel the need to share the stories with everyone you're vaguely acquainted with. Much like a movie trailer foretelling the awesomeness to come, your stories are always preludes to physically bringing your spawn along for everyone to bask in their very real value. The gripping stories you tell are so unbelievable that I'm glad that you proved me wrong by showing me your kid actually doing these incredible things. I never would have believed it, but yup, your kid nailed it. God damn that thing is awesome.

It's 100% not the case that your life has become so debased, that all you have left to enjoy are the meager and mundane accomplishments of your seedling. That's definitely not the case. Which is lucky for everyone around you, so that we can all feel a deep sense of enrichment for having been privy to this vicarious living through them via your recounting of your child's happenings.

"My son is so cute. He does this thing where he thinks everything is a duck."
Yeah well, that just proves that your son is an idiot. Very few things are actually ducks, so he's by and large factually incorrect. Great story though. Rich, and compelling.

"My daughter just got this little backpack. It even has a pocket for an iPad."
She's three damn years old. She can either spell nor pronounce "iPad", consequently , she doesn't need a god damned holster for one. Now go away, your stories sicken me.

"You should have seen my daughter, she was wearing this adorable cookie monster outfit I bought her."
Big whoop. I'm a full-grown man, and I wear outfits every damn day. I even went the extra mile last Tuesday, and wore a cookie monster outfit. And what did you do? You looked upon me as if I was some abhorrent retard. Seems fair.

"This weekend my son was playing outside while I was working in the yard. I turn around for one second, and when I turn back, he's eating a spider he found."
That's fucking disgusting. What kind of moron eats bugs? He didn't even chose a remotely appealing looking bug. Your pup sees an eight-legged, hairy creature from the bowels of hell, and thinks "I bet that shit tastes good". That's quite some common sense you're imparting there. Kudos.

"I was feeding my daughter in her high-chair, and before I knew it, she took the spoonful of food and threw it against the wall. There was food everywhere."
I don't give a dieing moose's last shit. I can throw food on the wall; everyone else with arms can as well. Is this the type of behavior you applaud in your home? Your child does so little correctly, that even incorrect things now become share-worthy? Fantastic.

"Today was my sons first day of kindergarten!"
Neat. Mine was 22 years ago. And nobody gave a shit.

*Physically showing me their kid*
Yup, that's a child alright. I can tell distinctly by the 0 sense it's making and the 0 contributions it's making to the world around it. I'm sure it took a lot of hard work to make, so good job.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Caligula Cookie

Recently, a person, who shall remain nameless, revealed a pre-market sneak peak at the a new Oreo cookie creation:

Little did he, or anyone else, know that two flavors was only the tip of the ambitious and perverted cookie iceberg for Nabisco. Info from an inside source, who will remain even more nameless than the last person, gave me a glimpse of the horrors being slated for release from the depths of the Cookie Manhattan Project.

If you wouldn't mind, Nabisco, we're trying to have a society here. Please undermine it as little as possible with your debauch diabetes treats.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

How to: Cure Itchy Taint

How do I Make My Taint Stop Itching?


"Damn this taint is itchy!"
An itchy taint can bring an otherwise productive day to a stand-still. Intense itching in the ol' gooch will rapidly become your number one concern when it rears its ugly head. Seemingly caused by nothing in particular, you can't predict when an itchy taint will strike. One thing you can be sure of though, is the severity of it, as itchy taints only come in one variety: an 11 out of 10 on the itchy as hell scale.

Shifting in your seat like your have Parkinson's will only help very little, so surely there must be some way to combat this anus-adjacent fiend. You're in luck; there is! And we're going to show you how!

Difficulty: Moderately Easy
1 Identify the actual source of the itch. It could be a normal crotch itch, or even an inner-anus tickle. In these cases, these steps don't apply.
2 Once a legitimate taint itch is identified, you can begin the process of eradicating it. Start this process by checking your surroundings to make sure that there's no one looking in your general direction, and that there's no foreseeable chance of them doing so in the immediate future.
3 Reach down and treat your taint like a misbehaving child. I mean really get after that thing. Flick it, smack it, pound at it, poke at it with ballpoint pens, scrub it with that extra toothbrush you have lying around, whatever it takes to calm it down. It shouldn't take long to subdue it back to its state of normalcy.
4 You've won the battle. Two men entered, only one man left. Breathe a sigh of relief.
5 Wipe your hand on public property.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Fun Games to Play with Cats

For those of you that may be soon afflicted with cats you didn't request, or for those of you that already have them, all hope is not lost. Cats may be selfish, lazy, shitboxes, but even an unwanted cat still has some intrinsic entertainment value. I say intrinsic entertainment value because you can't teach a cat to be fun, nor teach it new ways of being funny.

The big day has arrived; your new cat has arrived in the mail. But how do I make the most out of your new living arrangement? Allow me to share with you a list of 12 fun games you can play with your feline cellmate.

Magic Cat Orb

This game is a old family classic. Simply leave out a large glass or plastic container, and allow the cat's natural predisposition towards curiosity drive it into the container. Hell, if the cat's natural inclinations are broken, you can always manually insert it as well.

The Nikola Tesla Game

Usually a cat's God-given skill of being a hairy demon only serves to irritate those around it; however, this game takes that natural ability of the cat and turns into something useful. By simply rubbing the cat against your carpet, you can easily build up copious amount of static electricity, turning it into your own person Tesla coil. Use it to shock your friends, or to start your car!

Football All-Star

It's the last few seconds of the big game. You're down by 1. This kick could clench the victory, and net you the glory. Remember to stretch though, have to be nice and limber to make sure you get the accuracy you need...

Magic Carpet Ride

Cats love the thrill of the hunt. Humans love things careening out of control, resulting in crashes. It's only natural to combine them.

Drum Circle Jam

The soothing effects of music are a well known, and scientific truism. While there are few studies to indicate that music has a similar effect on pets, it never hurts to try. Have a good ol' time sharing the timeless majesty of bongo music with your new-found feline friend.

Don Quixote Game

Don Quixote was famous for attacking windmills, which he believed to be angry giants. You and your cat can playfully recreate this piece of literary history by playing this game. Simply turn your body into a makeshift windmill, and instruct the household terrorist to attack you. It's fun and educational!

Through the Looking Glass

Being irrational and jealous, cats don't want to share their space (which used to be your space) with any other competing cats. In a fun simulation to hone your cats protection skills, simply place a wall mirror directly in its line of sight. That cat is sure to learn several valuable skills from this game.

Set Doorway to Stun

If you happen to be stuck with an indoor / outdoor can (read: slutty, in-heat alley trash), you can still find fun bonding games to play together; such as this one. Simply wrap the cat's outside access door in a clear film (or force field, if you have one), and wait for its walk of shame back home following a night of debauch cat fucking.

Time Vortex

It's a well-known fact that cats hate leashes. They hate anything that shatters their world view that they are masters of their domain. On the other hand, cats very much enjoy chasing things. By combining the two, you can not only give the cat a very rewarding experience, but also create a time vortex that will allow you to go to anyplace in the time continuum. Great success.

The Cheating Husband Game

Cats are very much fascinated by moving objects; they can't resist the urge to figure them out. However, they're also extremely fucking lazy, and can't be bothered to even give a shit half the time. This game will determine your cat's interest vs I-don't-give-a-shit level.

"But where oh where am I going to obtain all these rugs / stacked cups/ remote controlled cars? I don't have the money for all that!", you say. Fear not! Here's a few games you and your new housemate can play for free!

The Michael J Fox Game

This one is the simplest of all the games. Simply pick your furry friend up, and commence shaking. This game is fun for hours!

Family Jewels Fun

For even more free fun, simply treat your cat like the little bitch that everyone knows it is, and face-bang the hell out of it. Mmmmmmm, that's wholesome and economical fun for the whole family!