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Monday, May 9, 2011

Fun Games to Play with Cats

For those of you that may be soon afflicted with cats you didn't request, or for those of you that already have them, all hope is not lost. Cats may be selfish, lazy, shitboxes, but even an unwanted cat still has some intrinsic entertainment value. I say intrinsic entertainment value because you can't teach a cat to be fun, nor teach it new ways of being funny.

The big day has arrived; your new cat has arrived in the mail. But how do I make the most out of your new living arrangement? Allow me to share with you a list of 12 fun games you can play with your feline cellmate.

Magic Cat Orb

This game is a old family classic. Simply leave out a large glass or plastic container, and allow the cat's natural predisposition towards curiosity drive it into the container. Hell, if the cat's natural inclinations are broken, you can always manually insert it as well.

The Nikola Tesla Game

Usually a cat's God-given skill of being a hairy demon only serves to irritate those around it; however, this game takes that natural ability of the cat and turns into something useful. By simply rubbing the cat against your carpet, you can easily build up copious amount of static electricity, turning it into your own person Tesla coil. Use it to shock your friends, or to start your car!

Football All-Star

It's the last few seconds of the big game. You're down by 1. This kick could clench the victory, and net you the glory. Remember to stretch though, have to be nice and limber to make sure you get the accuracy you need...

Magic Carpet Ride

Cats love the thrill of the hunt. Humans love things careening out of control, resulting in crashes. It's only natural to combine them.

Drum Circle Jam

The soothing effects of music are a well known, and scientific truism. While there are few studies to indicate that music has a similar effect on pets, it never hurts to try. Have a good ol' time sharing the timeless majesty of bongo music with your new-found feline friend.

Don Quixote Game

Don Quixote was famous for attacking windmills, which he believed to be angry giants. You and your cat can playfully recreate this piece of literary history by playing this game. Simply turn your body into a makeshift windmill, and instruct the household terrorist to attack you. It's fun and educational!

Through the Looking Glass

Being irrational and jealous, cats don't want to share their space (which used to be your space) with any other competing cats. In a fun simulation to hone your cats protection skills, simply place a wall mirror directly in its line of sight. That cat is sure to learn several valuable skills from this game.

Set Doorway to Stun

If you happen to be stuck with an indoor / outdoor can (read: slutty, in-heat alley trash), you can still find fun bonding games to play together; such as this one. Simply wrap the cat's outside access door in a clear film (or force field, if you have one), and wait for its walk of shame back home following a night of debauch cat fucking.

Time Vortex

It's a well-known fact that cats hate leashes. They hate anything that shatters their world view that they are masters of their domain. On the other hand, cats very much enjoy chasing things. By combining the two, you can not only give the cat a very rewarding experience, but also create a time vortex that will allow you to go to anyplace in the time continuum. Great success.

The Cheating Husband Game

Cats are very much fascinated by moving objects; they can't resist the urge to figure them out. However, they're also extremely fucking lazy, and can't be bothered to even give a shit half the time. This game will determine your cat's interest vs I-don't-give-a-shit level.

"But where oh where am I going to obtain all these rugs / stacked cups/ remote controlled cars? I don't have the money for all that!", you say. Fear not! Here's a few games you and your new housemate can play for free!

The Michael J Fox Game

This one is the simplest of all the games. Simply pick your furry friend up, and commence shaking. This game is fun for hours!

Family Jewels Fun

For even more free fun, simply treat your cat like the little bitch that everyone knows it is, and face-bang the hell out of it. Mmmmmmm, that's wholesome and economical fun for the whole family!

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