Tell Me More About Your Kids

Man oh man do I love hearing about your kids. They do so many breathtaking and inspiring things that I fully understand why you feel the need to share the stories with everyone you're vaguely acquainted with. Much like a movie trailer foretelling the awesomeness to come, your stories are always preludes to physically bringing your spawn along for everyone to bask in their very real value. The gripping stories you tell are so unbelievable that I'm glad that you proved me wrong by showing me your kid actually doing these incredible things. I never would have believed it, but yup, your kid nailed it. God damn that thing is awesome.

It's 100% not the case that your life has become so debased, that all you have left to enjoy are the meager and mundane accomplishments of your seedling. That's definitely not the case. Which is lucky for everyone around you, so that we can all feel a deep sense of enrichment for having been privy to this vicarious living through them via your recounting of your child's happenings.

"My son is so cute. He does this thing where he thinks everything is a duck."

Yeah well, that just proves that your son is an idiot. Very few things are actually ducks, so he's by and large factually incorrect. Great story though. Rich, and compelling.

"My daughter just got this little backpack. It even has a pocket for an iPad."

She's three damn years old. She can either spell nor pronounce "iPad", consequently , she doesn't need a god damned holster for one. Now go away, your stories sicken me.

"You should have seen my daughter, she was wearing this adorable cookie monster outfit I bought her."

Big whoop. I'm a full-grown man, and I wear outfits every damn day. I even went the extra mile last Tuesday, and wore a cookie monster outfit. And what did you do? You looked upon me as if I was some abhorrent retard. Seems fair.

"This weekend my son was playing outside while I was working in the yard. I turn around for one second, and when I turn back, he's eating a spider he found."

That's fucking disgusting. What kind of moron eats bugs? He didn't even chose a remotely appealing looking bug. Your pup sees an eight-legged, hairy creature from the bowels of hell, and thinks "I bet that shit tastes good". That's quite some common sense you're imparting there. Kudos.

"I was feeding my daughter in her high-chair, and before I knew it, she took the spoonful of food and threw it against the wall. There was food everywhere."

I don't give a dieing moose's last shit. I can throw food on the wall; everyone else with arms can as well. Is this the type of behavior you applaud in your home? Your child does so little correctly, that even incorrect things now become share-worthy? Fantastic.

"Today was my sons first day of kindergarten!"

Neat. Mine was 22 years ago. And nobody gave a shit.

*Physically showing me their kid*

Yup, that's a child alright. I can tell distinctly by the 0 sense it's making and the 0 contributions it's making to the world around it. I'm sure it took a lot of hard work to make, so good job.