Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, August 13, 2012

No-Nonsense Movie Review: The Dark Knight Rises

What a whiny fucking movie.

There I was, minding my own business in the crowded theater, in the seat next to the handicapped-accessible seat near the front row. This is a good spot because rarely do I see many circularly-enabled people wheeling into the movies, thus meaning no dickhead would sit next to me. For whatever reason, director Christopher Nolan decided to include a wheelie in this movie session however, just to throw a literal cog into my monkey-wrench. What transpired was the following:

Wheelie Bin

Can I have that seat there?

Me

Go right ahead, I'm not using it.

Wheelie Bin

Can you move to another seat for me?

Me

Why? That's the accessible seat, just sit there.

Wheelie Bin

Look, I'm handicapped, and like the space, so just do me this favor.

Me

What, so because you're in a wheelchair, the empty, reserved seat isn't enough for you? You need the whole row to yourself? You're not even fat, you can fit in the normal space. Just sit in the seat designated for you and be done with it.

Wheelie Bin

I hope you feel proud taking things away from handicapped people.

Me

The seats right there. Don't blame me for the loss of your legs, just because some chinaman took them from you in Korea.



At this point, wheelie bin angrily rolls off, and chooses, instead of in any theater seat at all, to sit in her wheelchair, in between a row of seats by herself. Since she clearly didn't want the seat made for her, I put my Raisinettes there instead.

I'm not sure what artistic point Christopher Nolan was trying to convey to the viewers with this particular scene, but it left me feeling awkward, that's for sure. Of course, so as to allude to things to come, this secret ending happened after the credits rolled:


Wheelie Bin

Thanks for taking my seat, asshole.

Me

You're still sitting in your seat.


I don't care if you did come to the movie dressed like this:



There's only so much special treatment you're going to get.


1 out of 5 stars

Monday, August 6, 2012

No-Nonsense Movie Review: Prometheus

Utter rubbish.

Lots of people had problems with this film because they felt it either left too much to the viewer's imagination in regards to its ties to the Alien plot-line, or because they felt that it was a stabbing at issues fundamental to all modern religions. However, my issue with it was far more intrinsic. As far as I can work out from my seat, Ridley Scott chose to fill the film with 124 minutes of:
  • The 57 year-old pot-smoking man to my left constantly uttering combinations of the phrases "oh my god", "look out", "oh no", as well as endless surprised and/or approving guttural moans. Additionally, when any serious action would happen on screen, such as alien attacks, he would stunningly choreograph his own take on the fight scene by punching at the air whilst shouting his catchphrase "oh my god".
  • A group of five people to my right adding awful one-liners to film dialog, like an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 written by, and staring, retards exclusively. Coupled with their incessant arguing for two hours that the character Peter Weyland in the film was played by Val Kilmer. Utterly convinced that this character...

Was not played by...
Guy Pearce; as we can see by there being no resemblance in the two photos. And was instead played by...
Fatass Val Kilmer.


Awful and terrible. Shame on you Mr. Scott. Were it not for these characters that you chose to incorporate into my theater experience for whatever reason, your film may well have been enjoyable.


1 out of 5 stars