Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Lazy Tiny Trees. Get A Job

I planted you four years ago! What the hell have you been doing? I don't care if you're "smaller than a lighter". There's a guy in my office that can't be more than three foot six and HE still manages to get shit done! I'm not going to support your terracotta pot for much longer, sponge.

I realize it's early for you, but it is 12:30 in the afternoon, man; come on! Get your ass up and make something of yourself. Did you even look at those resumes I laid out for you? You didn't; I can tell. Just keep pissing those opportunities down the drain. God forbid you'd have to become vertical.

Oh. My. God. Is this what you do when I leave?! Whore your leaves out to anything with a pulse?! You disgust me. No, by all means, don't have your "friend" leave just because I showed up. What happened to you? You used to get such good grades in school...

Well, I see we've reached a new low, sir. Can't even be bothered to put our leaves on today, can we? Amazing. I thought we discussed you taking that computer proficiency class up at the community college. But I see now that being naked on your rock is the career path you've chosen.

There you are. Right where I left you this morning. Jesus. You know, the bills keep piling up here, but even that doesn't seem to be enough to motivate you. "I'm gonna photosynthesize this", "I'm gonna photosynthesize that", it never ends with you. Hello! These are halogen lights, pal. Do you think I was born yesterday?

You brought this on yourself! Hold still! You need a god damned haircut, and I'm going to be the one to give it to you! You're supposed to meet your social worker tomorrow, and you're not going to do it looking like an asshole! You promised that man that you were going to find a job, but he's not going to buy that since your small sand pile clearly shows no signs of you even attempting to move.

Well. I see it happened. You've finally let yourself go, haven't you? Sickening. Lying around in your own woody carapace all day; nothing to show for it. Do you have any jobs lined up? Do you have any ladies interested in you? Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning? Hmmm? I didn't think so.

Just as I suspected. You claim you're getting work done, and yet I find you hanging out with your lazy, good for nothing friends again. They're a bad influence on you, you know? Not that you need the help. Don't think that I don't know that the pasty light-green guy in the back smokes; because I do. Alright. Why don't you stop fucking off over here and scour the classifieds like you said you were going to.

And there it is. Your plan has finally come to fruition, I see. You're getting all dolled up with your friends, preparing for a night on the town; on my dime no less. You're really a piece of work, you know that? Let me straighten you out here, sponge: it's give and take around here. I keep giving and giving, and you keep taking and taking. But no more. We're done here. You go out and have a nice time with your friends, you certainly deserve it with all that "hard work" you've been putting in. And don't bother coming back when you're done with your tree skank parade. You're nothing but a worthless shrub to me!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Non-FCC Approved Advertisements

Thanks to stringent FCC regulations, all of you delicate people and your Faberge children are safe from naughty, murderer-creating, funny, interesting and generally creative television and radio broadcasts. I'd hate to live in a place where off-color language and suggestive images are allowed to permeate into my home...like Europe. Fuck that place.

After illegally digging through the FCC's Standards and Practices division's files and having a good rummage through them, I thought I'd share some of the terribly dangerous and disapproved slogans / advertisements that were submitted by some common-place companies over the years.

1951 - Unsubstantiated and Vulgar
"Coca-Cola Makes You Impotent. Have a Youthful Cock with Pepsi"
1959 - Derogatory
"Don't be a Damn Commie, Drink Pepsi"
1965 - Vulgar
"Be Young, Get Handjobs In Your Dad's Mustang, Drink Pepsi"
1967 - Denigrating
"The Choice of Both Draft-Dodging Hippies and Real Americans Alike"
1981 - Unsubstantiated and Salacious
"You're Safe From the Gay's AIDS. You're Part of the Pepsi Generation"
1905 - Unsubstantiated
"Coca-Cola Satisfies and Makes You Invincible. Seriously. Invincible."
1907 - Vulgar and Salacious
"More Cooling and Refreshing Than a Big Ol' Titty"
1955 - Derogatory
"The Pepsi Logo Looks Like a Fat Ninny. You Don't Want to be a Fat Ninny, Do You?"

1974 - Vulgar and Derogatory
"Nixon is a Conspiritus Prick. Choose America's Real Drink"
1955 - Unsavory
"Not Even Atom Bombs Can Stop Innovation"
1969 - Unsubstantiated
"We Put a Man on the Moon"
1979 - Vulgar
"It's Not Cheap Shit. It's a Sony"
1985 - Derogatory
"TVs Bigger Than Your Expansive American Wife"
1989 - Unsavory
"Technology So Surprising That It'll Sink Your Pacific Fleet"
1960 - Derogatory
"Visa. Live Well Beyond Your Means You Vagabond"
1967 - Derogatory and Vulgar
"Visa. Your Neighbor is a Cunt. Buy That Bigger TV"
1981 - Vulgar and Salacious
"Visa. New Tits Are Only $5,000. Think About It"
1952 - Vulgar and Unsubstantiated
"Is That Bayer Aspirin? If Not, It'll Make Your Cock Fall Off"
1964 - Unsubstantiated and Sexist
"Bayer Aspirin Makes Your Wife Nearly Silent"
1973 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading
"Take it for Pain. Take it to Make it into Heaven"
1972 - Vulgar and Salacious
"Only the Most Expensive Hookers Wet Your Dick. Treat Yourself to a Ferrari"
1974 - Vulgar and Sexist
"No Ferrari in Your Garage? You Have a Clitoris"
1984 - Vulgar and Derogatory
"Miami Vice is for Fags. You Deserve a Real Ferrari"
1928 - Vulgar
"Other Ground Corn Flours Are Shit"
1942 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading
"We Use ONLY Grains That Are Guaranteed to Not Give You Polio"
1953 - Misleading and Unsavory
"The Only Cereals That Are Strictly Anti-Child Rape"

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

American Chopper Improvements

Just a few, minor suggestions to make the show more palatable. Minor tweaks at most.



Addressing the simple issues I outlined should help American Chopper reach the bare-minimum level of "watchable". I hope you found these constructive notes to be helpful, Discovery.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Your Invention is Stupid

Pop quiz: which of these vehicles is gayer?

Mr. Garrison's buttfuck-powered
"thing" from South Park
SpeedFit's SpeedMobile

One shatters your anus, while the other shatters both your self-image AND the record for wasted human ingenuity. Congratulations to the inventor Alex Astilean for solving a problem that never existed with a piece of hardware that furthers mankind in exactly zero ways.

For the sake of ridicule, let us analyze the excerpt from SpeedFit's website, convincing the world that the SpeedMobile is a legitimate thing.

The SpeedMobile is Alex's Ultimate Machine, a Treadmobile Vehicle. This first real Planet's treadmill on wheels is designed by Alex Astilean which is also the inventor of the new curve Speedboard and the creator of SpeedFitSystem with iSpeedSoftware.
Who is also the inventor and proprietor of SpeedWhat, SpeedHuh, and SpeedWastedMyLife. Which are the first real Planet's asinine crayon drawings brought to life.
The Speedmobile is powered exclusive by human force...
Like a bike?
which is transferred far more naturally than the bike motion to a gear box multiplying more then 20 times your footstep.
Oh. Right.

The main complaint people have with a bicycle is that it feels too "unnatural" to operate. People need something that they can use that's more in-tune with their natural actions and thus can be used with a sort of quiet dignity...

...clearly like that.
It can be adopted for intense training but also can be use for travel distances which can vary depending on your Fitness Level(see iSpeed) with less effort reaching up speeds of 30 - 40 MPH.
It can be adopted for intense training in the same way you see skateboards and pogo sticks in use for training. The key difference is that skateboards and pogo sticks will always fail in getting the moniker "unfettered fagmobile" attached to them. Truly a revolutionary device.
The future for small commute indeed, "why not run your errands and exercise in the same time". Time is the essence of the near future!
Time is meaningless currently, but as Alex points out, it will be the essence in the very near future. A complex temporal scenario he paints using the following series of equations:

30 minutes of errand running + 10 minutes of driving + 60 minutes of exercise at the gym = 100 minutes invested = GIANT TIME SUCK

30 minutes of errand running + 50 minutes of operating SpeedMobile + 20 minutes of explanations to the police about legality of operation in bike lanes + 45 minutes explaining to your spouse what your life has become = 145 minutes invested = LEADING EDGE OF COMMUTING
"Why would people buy bicycles when they can just ride stationary bikes?"
Do you...not...understand the difference betw...
"Or, rather, why would people by(sic) stationary bikes when they could just ride bicycles?"
...I'm not even going to try to suss out where that thought-process was intended to go. Or, rather, the concept of biking in general escapes you.
"Some people will have uses for things that others never would have thought of. If they didn't, we wouldn't have inventors."
Conclusion: Inventors exist.

Assumed Premise: Currently applied and functional things only do what they do because I have YET to think of stupider ways to fuck them up.
"Most ideas are probably just not dumb but unrealistic for the time if they fail"
Most ideas are probably not dumb. This one definitely is. Big time.

Expect that call from the Nobel Prize committee soon for your contributions and advances in the human understanding on the subject of fucking about in a shed with nothing of substance to show for it.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Slightly Used Animals For Sale

Easter is not only the time of year when Jesus comes back to visit everyone whom isn't Muslim, but it's also a time to give your children seven pounds of sugar and small animals that they can't properly care for.
This inevitably leads to a excess market of unwanted, and mishandled animals for the next month or so.

In light of this, used and slightly damaged animals are often up for sale on sites such as Craigslist and in cheap, shitty classified papers. Perhaps it's cruel on my part, but I find irresponsible animal liquidation sales to be particularly humorous for various reasons. Allow me to share with you some of the advertisements I've seen via various media, and perhaps my source of morbid humor will become clear.

Guinea Pigs For Sale - $10

Recently bought a pallet of 17 off the back of a truck. Buying in bulk saves on costs so when you splurge and buy your kids rodents in celebration of Jesus, do it right and buy a few of our 17; go big or go home. Guinea pigs normally go for $40, so letting $680 worth of guinea pigs go for $170 is one hell of a deal / case of buyers remorse. They make great stocking stuffers too!

Chinchillas for Sale - $2

Two fucking dollars! How can you go wrong! Chinchillas cost approximately $100 at a pet store, so these are a remarkable savings! Don't even dare to question what kind of shitty, half-assed chinchillas can be had for $2. Fur falling out? Missing ears? Half-blind? Quadriplegic? Dead? Those things just add distinct personalities to your fluffy friends! They're not actually low maintenance, but I'm a lazy fuck! My terrible sense of responsibility is your gain! The choice between two shitty McDonald's hamburgers and a chinchilla should be abundantly clear!

Bunny Rabbit Pets - $100

Two baby rabbits for sale. One has stunted growth, due to birth defect and malnutrition. Can't keep them because the white one freaks the hell out of us. Must be sold together because without the other one, the stunted-evil-white one goes ape shit and kills anything it can. Includes cage, and smaller animals to sacrifice for its appeasement. MAKE ME AN OFFER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Twisted Hamster FS - $5

Gave it to my daughter as a present. Five minutes later it was cocked 45 degrees around, and we can't get it set back straight. That being said, twisted hamsters are rare, and it's a seller's market for these rare treats right now. I myself own enough of these to occupy a large pile of various fluffy bits that you literally can't make heads or tails of. Come marvel and haggle at my large pile! Bring $5 or a ham sandwich.

Ducklings Need Home - $10

Got four nearly new ducklings for sale! Not sure if I got a bad batch, but they don't seem to do very much. I paid $20 a pop for them, but despite being cute they have yet to produce any eggs or that special tape they make. Can be yours for only $10. Word of caution though: THEY DON'T STAY THIS WAY FOR LONG. Apparently these things turn into DUCKS at some point; who knew? Don't let the ugly prince scare you away from the toad though!

Used animals being placed in for sale ads are just plain funny. Funny like watching someone break-dance, or watching a child fall down some steps.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Being a Jerk to Cats

Normally, I'm a large fan of the concept of negative reinforcement when it comes behavioral modification techniques. Not only does it help illicit the proper behavior from the subject, but it also feels mighty fine as well. Ex-girlfriends, ex-coworkers, ex-friends, ex-children: all successfully modified (right out of my life) using the above system. There is one subject, nevertheless, that seems completely immune to such psychological devices:


They appear to operate on a specific wavelength of life; one that doesn't involve the stimulus --> response --> knowledge-acquired system.

Through much trial and error in interfacing with cats, I've learned the above is some sort of genetic defect inherent to all of them. 100% of cats are deficient in learning to succumb to the rules of the household. Cat's only gonna do what a cat wants to do. With all that in mind, allow me to share with you the top three generally effective negative reinforcement techniques that don't work on cats.

#3 - Degrade to an Object

Generally, removing all sense of individuality and intrinsic life-value from something, rendering it solely an object for your use, breaks it down enough that it then begins to question and reevaluate itself. Not so much with cats.

One tried and failed application of this method is to use the cat as a cleaning device. Cat likes to play with the toilet? Scrub the bathroom floor using cat's body. Cat likes to climb up on kitchen counters? Again, use the cat's body to scrub them clean. Surprisingly, it seems that no matter how much piss and food sauces are forcibly embedded into the cat's fur, it simply will not stop going to these off-limits areas.

We appear to be having a communication breakdown, cat.

#2 - Dispose of

When an employee is no longer needed, they're typically fired; helping them take personal stock of how big of a fuck up they were. Relationship simply not working? You dump 'em, and the situation resolves itself. You can't break up with a cat though; and turning it loose would only be wishing ill of whomever finds it. Naturally then, you just throw the cat away.

Seems pretty straight forward and logical, but again, seems to have no effect on the cat. No matter how many times you pick the cat up and gently place it into the trash receptacle, it seems to find a way out. Thereby allowing it to perpetuate the clearly dysfunctional relationship between you two.


#1 - Physical Violence

Let's say for sake of argument, that you're being a piece of shit, and need a manual adjustment. If I haul off and thrust my fist into you, your behavior generally changes in rather rapid order. For countless centuries, man has applied this system to interactions ranging in scale from person-to-person to empire-to-empire dealings. And it's worked out pretty well so far.

It stands to reason then that because it's a working sociological format, that it would be completely ineffective towards cats. When you come home to find a hefty cat-log left in the middle of the floor, after repeatedly, and generously, explaining that this type of behavior will not be tolerated, sometimes shit has to be escalated. Escalation being in the form of a jab to the torso.

You'll find that the cat will immediately run away, which is a positive sign. You may not even see the cat for days, and assume that you've rightly put the fear of God into it, forcing it to consider its actions before undertaking them. But you'd be wrong. The cat is now only hiding its logs in tougher to reach spots, and will not fear the fist o' justice it knows comes with the territory.

What do you tell a cat that has two black eyes? Nothing. You've already told it twice.

The only foolproof way to deal with a cat is to avoid them all-together. Do not allow you or your loved ones to become burdened with this untrainable beast. The best cat is a non-existent one.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Life In San Diego: Pt 2

And now, for the exciting and crotch-titillating conclusion to my daily life in San Diego.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My Life In San Diego: Pt 1

Life in glamorous San Diego is not as fun as one might imagine. It's not all palm tree and topless beach scenes out here. For educational purposes, here's a brief insight into my daily life in San Diego, as expressed through the communication medium of our time: rage faces.

It's a fucking hoot.

Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Satire: On A Mutherfuckin' Cop

It's a known fact that police officers are the most corrupt and trigger happy individuals in the entire world. They hate everyone because they weren't popular growing up and are on a power trip as a result.

They'll give you a ticket for anything they feel like, even if you're not breaking the law, and every court will uphold their decision to do so. They routinely beat or kill any minority that breaks the law, or even looks like they're breaking the law, and they can get away with it.

Did you know that corrupt police are responsible for most the so-called 'terrorist'attacks on the US? I totally found that fact on the wikipedia, which is one the main sources of truth in the world.

Did you know that police will even arrest a drug dealer, and then steal his drugs to sell them themselves for profit? And if they get caught they just plant the drugs on any minority they see? 100% true.

We all have our stories of run ins with the police, of which most people weren't even doing anything and the cops just harassed them. I get many of these remarkable stories by email, and I'd like to share with you some of the stories of our so-called 'law enforcement'.

"I got pulled over for doing 65 in a 65 and the cop said he could tell I was thinking about going faster. So he made me drive him to my house, where he strangled my dog to death, and roundhouse kicked my Grandmother in the neck.

Then he took her Hummel collection and said that we were "all squared up", then proceeded to tell me not to even think about speeding again.

My Grandmother will be out of recovery soon.

-Jerry from WI

"I was walking my dog one day, and had walked quite a distance from where I lived. A police officer saw me and through his car PA system he yelled "freeze right there you black son of a bitch!", which I found odd since I was Asian. He proceeded to call in a code 539, which is  'negro stealing a family pet', and then drove his car up over the curb, and drove over my legs with the front wheels of his car.

After being arrested I was convicted of stealing the dog while being black, and also for destruction of a police vehicle for the dent I left in it when he hit me.

I was sentenced to 5 years in jail, but I'll be out in 3 if I'm good."

-Mike from CA

"About three years ago I was at a local grocery store do my weekly shopping, and there happened to be some off-duty officers in there also doing some shopping. I had reached into my purse to get some gum out, when one of the officers saw me putting the gum back into my purse. He apparently had thought that I was stealing a pack of gum, which we all know is against the law.

He took out his billy club and ran over and placed me in a chokehold with the club to my throat. While I was incapacitated from lack from breathing, he smashed my face into nine glass jars of beets, which cut my face up pretty bad. After I promptly passed out from the pain I was arrested for shop lifting and was made to serve 1 year in the county jail, and was charged $19.65 for the beets I wasted."

-Laura from ND

"When I was sixteen I had a badass Honda Civic that was all pimped out and I was racing this guy I knew on a local highway right by a grade school. We were doing about 115 when the cop flipped his lights on and pulled me and my buddy pull over by firing his gun at our cars, breaking both our rear windows. He gave each of us a ticket for doing 100 mph in a 50 mph zone, which is bullshit. Anyone else would have just let us go with a warning.

He said that since we were doing twice the legal limit that the punishment for our state was for me and my buddy to sodomize each other right there along the side of the road, while he filmed it. We had to take turns doing it while the cop recorded us and was breathing heavy.

When we went to court to pay our tickets ,we were both also given tickets for having buttsex on the side of the road, because the cop said he had video evidence that we had been racing and buttfucking on that road for quite some time. We each had to pay $12,000 and they crushed our cars. Cops are all total rednecks losers with nothing better to do then to pull kids over for having fun."

-Gary from MO

My wife was out applying for some jobs last June in downtown Miami, when she happened upon a busy intersection. She was helping an old lady cross the street when a cop saw here and slammed on his brakes. He told my wife to let the hostage go. When she asked what he was talking about, he called her a cuntlicker, and said he wouldn't stand for her kinky lesbian predatory stalking in his fair city.

She tried to explain that she was just helping the old woman cross the street, when he radioed for backup saying that he had a angry, jaywalking, lesbian hostage taker on 42nd avenue. Before any backup arrived, he had shot my wife in the chest with all 12 rounds in his gun and asked her to stay down.

She died right there on the street, and I was arrested for aiding and embedding a known criminal."

-Steve from FL

All these stories are true. I hope everyone reads this, so we can all have further proof of what bullshit the police are. Cops aren't here to protect anyone, they're just here to punish the innocent.

If I even see a cop again, 187 on those pigs man, I fuckin' swear. 187.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Haters Gonna Hate Play Date

As many of you may have been able to glean from this this blog, I fancy myself quite the hater. Women, children, tards, minorities, people with possessions, people without possessions, people that are clearly having fun, people that are clearly pissed off: it matters little. If I see them, I'll hate on them.

However, for every one of me, there are at least twelve people that just don't give a fuck. These people let their freak-flag fly, and let the haters hate. Luckily, I've recently become aware of a special meeting of a few of these like-minded hater-impervious creatures. This meeting took place just outside Bakersfield, California, and I was lucky enough to capture some images and information about just what took place there.

First to arrive was African entrepreneur Tiny Coleman, fresh from his local village where he
is the subject of much hate due to his success despite his impoverished surroundings.
Sources indicate that he also doesn't require the eye-patch that he's often seen wearing.
He just likes it, and doesn't give two turtle shits what you think.

Shortly after Tiny Coleman, Strutty The Eagle made an appearance at the event.
Often criticized by his peers for refusing to fly, instead favoring a patented swagger.
Evolutionary purpose and expected behavior be damned, Strutty simply doesn't care.

Early in the evening, the hate-immune crowd was joined by a face familiar to all
of them. Father Faggy O'Malley blessed the growing crowd and entertained them
with his colorful interpretive dances. O'Malley is famous amongst haters for being
an openly homosexual priest, who, like a trooper, takes the molestation charges
and keeps on hopping and twirling; and dancing too.

Arriving next was a relative new-comer to the scene, Gobbler the street-walking Evangelical turkey.
Despite local wildlife ordinances and numerous capture attempts by Animal Control, Gobbler
remains steadfast in his conviction to strut around doing his "Jesus on the cross" impression.

Not long after Gobbler, intelligence reported that Popcorn the Nazi cat showed up as well.
No amount of public pressure or appeals to reason are enough to shake Popcorn
from his Nazi beliefs. During the entire event he was witnessed goosestepping
around completely unphased by social conventions.

Next to arrive was the hate-agnostic poster child little Bobby Rasmusen. Does Bobby
care that he's wearing a Pokeman shirt, coupled with sweatpants meant for
someone three times his size? He sure as fuck doesn't. And to show
the haters how little he thinks of them, he even pissed his pants
just for that added bit of fuel for the hate game.

The crowd went silent as the grand daddy of the hate-impervious scene, and Flavor Flav impersonator
Sunny Meatdark and his pocket dog Clitoris arrived. Well known for his propensity towards dressing up
as his modern interpretation of Uncle Sam, and walking Clitoris, whom is often smoking a cigar.
Neither public appearance nor cries from the ASPCA have stopped Sunny in over twenty years.

Next to arrive was little Chester Ruggey. Babies aren't supposed to smoke, you say?
You can go to Jolly Pirate Donuts and take a two hour shit for all
Chester cares.

In every group, there's always the one-upper; the person that tries
a little too hard to out-do everyone else. In this group, the next attendee was
that person. Despite his extremely annoying personality, Simon the gay rollerblading Batman
didn't let the fact that no one can stand him factor into his decision to attend the meeting.

Guest speaker Nickels the chimpanzee with bulbous testicles was the next
to arrive. Surprising the whole group, Nickels forwent the speech and just laid
on stage flicking his cock and twiddling his balls. Truly an inspirational
"I don't care what you think" demonstration for everyone to witness.

Flying in from overseas, Asian man in full-body sleeping bag showed up after most everyone else.
All day, everyday, he's dresses like this. Doesn't matter how stupid
or impractical it is, he's content meandering around in his large, black condom.

Lastly, guess of honor Fucky the pug showed up to give the yearly speech
at the meeting. Christmas or not, Fucky wears wreathes around his feet and
a large knitted Christmas tree around his head. One shit, two shits, three shits
or more, Fucky doesn't give any of those about your opinion or anger towards him.