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Monday, April 25, 2011

Your Invention is Stupid

Pop quiz: which of these vehicles is gayer?

Mr. Garrison's buttfuck-powered
"thing" from South Park
SpeedFit's SpeedMobile

One shatters your anus, while the other shatters both your self-image AND the record for wasted human ingenuity. Congratulations to the inventor Alex Astilean for solving a problem that never existed with a piece of hardware that furthers mankind in exactly zero ways.

For the sake of ridicule, let us analyze the excerpt from SpeedFit's website, convincing the world that the SpeedMobile is a legitimate thing.

The SpeedMobile is Alex's Ultimate Machine, a Treadmobile Vehicle. This first real Planet's treadmill on wheels is designed by Alex Astilean which is also the inventor of the new curve Speedboard and the creator of SpeedFitSystem with iSpeedSoftware.
Who is also the inventor and proprietor of SpeedWhat, SpeedHuh, and SpeedWastedMyLife. Which are the first real Planet's asinine crayon drawings brought to life.
The Speedmobile is powered exclusive by human force...
Like a bike?
which is transferred far more naturally than the bike motion to a gear box multiplying more then 20 times your footstep.
Oh. Right.

The main complaint people have with a bicycle is that it feels too "unnatural" to operate. People need something that they can use that's more in-tune with their natural actions and thus can be used with a sort of quiet dignity...

...clearly like that.
It can be adopted for intense training but also can be use for travel distances which can vary depending on your Fitness Level(see iSpeed) with less effort reaching up speeds of 30 - 40 MPH.
It can be adopted for intense training in the same way you see skateboards and pogo sticks in use for training. The key difference is that skateboards and pogo sticks will always fail in getting the moniker "unfettered fagmobile" attached to them. Truly a revolutionary device.
The future for small commute indeed, "why not run your errands and exercise in the same time". Time is the essence of the near future!
Time is meaningless currently, but as Alex points out, it will be the essence in the very near future. A complex temporal scenario he paints using the following series of equations:

30 minutes of errand running + 10 minutes of driving + 60 minutes of exercise at the gym = 100 minutes invested = GIANT TIME SUCK

30 minutes of errand running + 50 minutes of operating SpeedMobile + 20 minutes of explanations to the police about legality of operation in bike lanes + 45 minutes explaining to your spouse what your life has become = 145 minutes invested = LEADING EDGE OF COMMUTING
"Why would people buy bicycles when they can just ride stationary bikes?"
Do you...not...understand the difference betw...
"Or, rather, why would people by(sic) stationary bikes when they could just ride bicycles?"
...I'm not even going to try to suss out where that thought-process was intended to go. Or, rather, the concept of biking in general escapes you.
"Some people will have uses for things that others never would have thought of. If they didn't, we wouldn't have inventors."
Conclusion: Inventors exist.

Assumed Premise: Currently applied and functional things only do what they do because I have YET to think of stupider ways to fuck them up.
"Most ideas are probably just not dumb but unrealistic for the time if they fail"
Most ideas are probably not dumb. This one definitely is. Big time.

Expect that call from the Nobel Prize committee soon for your contributions and advances in the human understanding on the subject of fucking about in a shed with nothing of substance to show for it.

1 comment:

  1. Obviously the conjuration of a man suffering a series of cyclophobic nightmares.