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Monday, April 18, 2011

Satire: On A Mutherfuckin' Cop

It's a known fact that police officers are the most corrupt and trigger happy individuals in the entire world. They hate everyone because they weren't popular growing up and are on a power trip as a result.

They'll give you a ticket for anything they feel like, even if you're not breaking the law, and every court will uphold their decision to do so. They routinely beat or kill any minority that breaks the law, or even looks like they're breaking the law, and they can get away with it.

Did you know that corrupt police are responsible for most the so-called 'terrorist'attacks on the US? I totally found that fact on the wikipedia, which is one the main sources of truth in the world.

Did you know that police will even arrest a drug dealer, and then steal his drugs to sell them themselves for profit? And if they get caught they just plant the drugs on any minority they see? 100% true.

We all have our stories of run ins with the police, of which most people weren't even doing anything and the cops just harassed them. I get many of these remarkable stories by email, and I'd like to share with you some of the stories of our so-called 'law enforcement'.

"I got pulled over for doing 65 in a 65 and the cop said he could tell I was thinking about going faster. So he made me drive him to my house, where he strangled my dog to death, and roundhouse kicked my Grandmother in the neck.

Then he took her Hummel collection and said that we were "all squared up", then proceeded to tell me not to even think about speeding again.

My Grandmother will be out of recovery soon.

-Jerry from WI

"I was walking my dog one day, and had walked quite a distance from where I lived. A police officer saw me and through his car PA system he yelled "freeze right there you black son of a bitch!", which I found odd since I was Asian. He proceeded to call in a code 539, which is  'negro stealing a family pet', and then drove his car up over the curb, and drove over my legs with the front wheels of his car.

After being arrested I was convicted of stealing the dog while being black, and also for destruction of a police vehicle for the dent I left in it when he hit me.

I was sentenced to 5 years in jail, but I'll be out in 3 if I'm good."

-Mike from CA

"About three years ago I was at a local grocery store do my weekly shopping, and there happened to be some off-duty officers in there also doing some shopping. I had reached into my purse to get some gum out, when one of the officers saw me putting the gum back into my purse. He apparently had thought that I was stealing a pack of gum, which we all know is against the law.

He took out his billy club and ran over and placed me in a chokehold with the club to my throat. While I was incapacitated from lack from breathing, he smashed my face into nine glass jars of beets, which cut my face up pretty bad. After I promptly passed out from the pain I was arrested for shop lifting and was made to serve 1 year in the county jail, and was charged $19.65 for the beets I wasted."

-Laura from ND

"When I was sixteen I had a badass Honda Civic that was all pimped out and I was racing this guy I knew on a local highway right by a grade school. We were doing about 115 when the cop flipped his lights on and pulled me and my buddy pull over by firing his gun at our cars, breaking both our rear windows. He gave each of us a ticket for doing 100 mph in a 50 mph zone, which is bullshit. Anyone else would have just let us go with a warning.

He said that since we were doing twice the legal limit that the punishment for our state was for me and my buddy to sodomize each other right there along the side of the road, while he filmed it. We had to take turns doing it while the cop recorded us and was breathing heavy.

When we went to court to pay our tickets ,we were both also given tickets for having buttsex on the side of the road, because the cop said he had video evidence that we had been racing and buttfucking on that road for quite some time. We each had to pay $12,000 and they crushed our cars. Cops are all total rednecks losers with nothing better to do then to pull kids over for having fun."

-Gary from MO

My wife was out applying for some jobs last June in downtown Miami, when she happened upon a busy intersection. She was helping an old lady cross the street when a cop saw here and slammed on his brakes. He told my wife to let the hostage go. When she asked what he was talking about, he called her a cuntlicker, and said he wouldn't stand for her kinky lesbian predatory stalking in his fair city.

She tried to explain that she was just helping the old woman cross the street, when he radioed for backup saying that he had a angry, jaywalking, lesbian hostage taker on 42nd avenue. Before any backup arrived, he had shot my wife in the chest with all 12 rounds in his gun and asked her to stay down.

She died right there on the street, and I was arrested for aiding and embedding a known criminal."

-Steve from FL

All these stories are true. I hope everyone reads this, so we can all have further proof of what bullshit the police are. Cops aren't here to protect anyone, they're just here to punish the innocent.

If I even see a cop again, 187 on those pigs man, I fuckin' swear. 187.

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