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Sunday, April 24, 2011

Slightly Used Animals For Sale

Easter is not only the time of year when Jesus comes back to visit everyone whom isn't Muslim, but it's also a time to give your children seven pounds of sugar and small animals that they can't properly care for.
This inevitably leads to a excess market of unwanted, and mishandled animals for the next month or so.

In light of this, used and slightly damaged animals are often up for sale on sites such as Craigslist and in cheap, shitty classified papers. Perhaps it's cruel on my part, but I find irresponsible animal liquidation sales to be particularly humorous for various reasons. Allow me to share with you some of the advertisements I've seen via various media, and perhaps my source of morbid humor will become clear.

Guinea Pigs For Sale - $10

Recently bought a pallet of 17 off the back of a truck. Buying in bulk saves on costs so when you splurge and buy your kids rodents in celebration of Jesus, do it right and buy a few of our 17; go big or go home. Guinea pigs normally go for $40, so letting $680 worth of guinea pigs go for $170 is one hell of a deal / case of buyers remorse. They make great stocking stuffers too!

Chinchillas for Sale - $2

Two fucking dollars! How can you go wrong! Chinchillas cost approximately $100 at a pet store, so these are a remarkable savings! Don't even dare to question what kind of shitty, half-assed chinchillas can be had for $2. Fur falling out? Missing ears? Half-blind? Quadriplegic? Dead? Those things just add distinct personalities to your fluffy friends! They're not actually low maintenance, but I'm a lazy fuck! My terrible sense of responsibility is your gain! The choice between two shitty McDonald's hamburgers and a chinchilla should be abundantly clear!

Bunny Rabbit Pets - $100

Two baby rabbits for sale. One has stunted growth, due to birth defect and malnutrition. Can't keep them because the white one freaks the hell out of us. Must be sold together because without the other one, the stunted-evil-white one goes ape shit and kills anything it can. Includes cage, and smaller animals to sacrifice for its appeasement. MAKE ME AN OFFER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Twisted Hamster FS - $5

Gave it to my daughter as a present. Five minutes later it was cocked 45 degrees around, and we can't get it set back straight. That being said, twisted hamsters are rare, and it's a seller's market for these rare treats right now. I myself own enough of these to occupy a large pile of various fluffy bits that you literally can't make heads or tails of. Come marvel and haggle at my large pile! Bring $5 or a ham sandwich.

Ducklings Need Home - $10

Got four nearly new ducklings for sale! Not sure if I got a bad batch, but they don't seem to do very much. I paid $20 a pop for them, but despite being cute they have yet to produce any eggs or that special tape they make. Can be yours for only $10. Word of caution though: THEY DON'T STAY THIS WAY FOR LONG. Apparently these things turn into DUCKS at some point; who knew? Don't let the ugly prince scare you away from the toad though!

Used animals being placed in for sale ads are just plain funny. Funny like watching someone break-dance, or watching a child fall down some steps.

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