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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Non-FCC Approved Advertisements

Thanks to stringent FCC regulations, all of you delicate people and your Faberge children are safe from naughty, murderer-creating, funny, interesting and generally creative television and radio broadcasts. I'd hate to live in a place where off-color language and suggestive images are allowed to permeate into my home...like Europe. Fuck that place.

After illegally digging through the FCC's Standards and Practices division's files and having a good rummage through them, I thought I'd share some of the terribly dangerous and disapproved slogans / advertisements that were submitted by some common-place companies over the years.

1951 - Unsubstantiated and Vulgar
"Coca-Cola Makes You Impotent. Have a Youthful Cock with Pepsi"
1959 - Derogatory
"Don't be a Damn Commie, Drink Pepsi"
1965 - Vulgar
"Be Young, Get Handjobs In Your Dad's Mustang, Drink Pepsi"
1967 - Denigrating
"The Choice of Both Draft-Dodging Hippies and Real Americans Alike"
1981 - Unsubstantiated and Salacious
"You're Safe From the Gay's AIDS. You're Part of the Pepsi Generation"
1905 - Unsubstantiated
"Coca-Cola Satisfies and Makes You Invincible. Seriously. Invincible."
1907 - Vulgar and Salacious
"More Cooling and Refreshing Than a Big Ol' Titty"
1955 - Derogatory
"The Pepsi Logo Looks Like a Fat Ninny. You Don't Want to be a Fat Ninny, Do You?"

1974 - Vulgar and Derogatory
"Nixon is a Conspiritus Prick. Choose America's Real Drink"
1955 - Unsavory
"Not Even Atom Bombs Can Stop Innovation"
1969 - Unsubstantiated
"We Put a Man on the Moon"
1979 - Vulgar
"It's Not Cheap Shit. It's a Sony"
1985 - Derogatory
"TVs Bigger Than Your Expansive American Wife"
1989 - Unsavory
"Technology So Surprising That It'll Sink Your Pacific Fleet"
1960 - Derogatory
"Visa. Live Well Beyond Your Means You Vagabond"
1967 - Derogatory and Vulgar
"Visa. Your Neighbor is a Cunt. Buy That Bigger TV"
1981 - Vulgar and Salacious
"Visa. New Tits Are Only $5,000. Think About It"
1952 - Vulgar and Unsubstantiated
"Is That Bayer Aspirin? If Not, It'll Make Your Cock Fall Off"
1964 - Unsubstantiated and Sexist
"Bayer Aspirin Makes Your Wife Nearly Silent"
1973 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading
"Take it for Pain. Take it to Make it into Heaven"
1972 - Vulgar and Salacious
"Only the Most Expensive Hookers Wet Your Dick. Treat Yourself to a Ferrari"
1974 - Vulgar and Sexist
"No Ferrari in Your Garage? You Have a Clitoris"
1984 - Vulgar and Derogatory
"Miami Vice is for Fags. You Deserve a Real Ferrari"
1928 - Vulgar
"Other Ground Corn Flours Are Shit"
1942 - Unsubstantiated and Misleading
"We Use ONLY Grains That Are Guaranteed to Not Give You Polio"
1953 - Misleading and Unsavory
"The Only Cereals That Are Strictly Anti-Child Rape"

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