Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Percent Balls By Mass

If you would be so kind, please identify the item diagrammed below:

The averagely educated amongst you might proudly claim that what you're looking at is a water molecule; with two H's and one O, it would seem to make sense. However, your high-school chemistry skills notwithstanding, you're incorrect in labeling the above as water. What it is instead is a to-scale representation of my pet guinea pig and the size of his balls. "O" meaning obstinate guinea pig, and "H" meaning huge ball.

As far as I can tell by combination of visual measurements and various negative responses to the sight of them, Mr. Shittums is approximately 30% balls by mass.

All unknown health ramifications aside, I'm still afraid. I fear that when the wheelbarrow he uses for transporting his balls collapses, I'll be left to pick up his satchel and fill the role of helping him to be motive again.

Apart from the physical oddity of his orbital companions, I'm sad to say that his testicular stature does have a direct negative impact upon my day-to-day life.

Frankly, I'm sick of the constant phone calls and flyers on my door informing me that, apparently, the size of his balls are substantial enough to require the splitting of the California 52nd congressional district into a brand new district. And that California's new 54th district requires several leadership roles, which I'm now responsible for filling with qualified candidates.

What a bunch of horseshit.

No comments:

Post a Comment