Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


California is not quite the liberal hippy nest that everyone that lives elsewhere portrays it as; it has its fair share of restrictive, and seemingly asinine laws and regulations. To help illustrate, I shall now point out, in order of ascending illegality / difficulty in obtaining, seemingly innocuous everyday things that I can't have in California.

Item: Grapefruits imported from any U.S. state
Illegality Level: Whoa there, buddy
Reason: Fruits and vegetables are serious business. Business with biological weapons built in.
Difficulty to Obtain: Without an appropriate form from the government certifying the fruit doesn't have bugs, or fruit AIDS, you'll kill Californians with your counterfeit fruit.
Punishment: Hefty fines, and state mandated diarrhea from too much fruit consumption.

Item: A .50 caliber hand-cannon
Illegality Level: We'll most certainly take that away from you
Reason: California has stupidly and unreasonably decided that a handgun that fires large machine gun rounds is somehow unsafe for any use.
Difficulty to Obtain: Can't buy one, but you can build one. Because a hand-cannon bought at a licensed dealer is dangerous as shit, but if you make it in your basement, out of parts of other guns...can't see a problem with that.
Punishment: It's undoubtedly inserted into your anus to 'teach you a lesson'.

Item: Any ferret (with or without festive holiday outfit)
Illegality Level: You want to go to prison? It seems you do; you own a ferret.
Reason: And let's also not forget...let's not forget, Dude...that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city...that isn't legal either.
Difficulty to Obtain: It's easier to get a hand-cannon. You must obtain a state permit that asserts that your home passes an inspection that certifies it as a decent place for a weasel to live, and that you're a competent human being that has both a solid history of immunizations, and an emergency plan should the weasel escape.
Punishment: The ferret will be deported or smashed. The exact same fate awaits the person found to be in possession of the ferret.

Item: Tinted front windows on a vehicle
Illegality Level: Crisis adverted; I thought you wanted to tint your windows. Turns out you only want to assassinate a world leader. Carry on.
Reason: Dark windows obscure what's happening inside a vehicle, making it unsafe for officers to approach them on traffic stops. The same reason I can't wear dark pants to public parks anymore.
Difficulty to Obtain: Impossible. Can't have under any circumstance, even with a valid medical excuse. Perhaps you'd be interested in this low-yield nuclear weapon instead?
Punishment: Death. Death by 1,000 $180 cuts.

Since I can't have ferrets, large caliber handguns, foreign fruits or not-skin-cancer, what the hell is legal to own in this place?

Item: Tannerite, a two-part explosive
Illegality Level: Exceedingly legal. Go right ahead.
Why the hell?: Nothing could go wrong with making explosives at home, and thus there's no need to regulate it. I mean, after all, there's no ferrets involved.
Difficulty to Obtain: Pretty hard. You have to have an internet connection, and a credit / debit card.
America: Fuck yeah.

Johnny law is welcome to come take my ill-begotten fruits from me, but he'll have to deal with my hand-cannon when he does. Of course, he's welcome to come take my hand-cannon from me too, but he'll have to deal with my improperly feed ferret when he does. And he's more than welcome to come confiscate my ferret, but my tinted windows will prevent him from seeing the full extent of my ferreting. Naturally, he'll be forced to kill me for having tinted windows, but it's OK, because I'll hide all this under a pile of high-explosives I purchased off the internet, forcing him to think that I'm just an average, law abiding citizen.

In the grand scheme of things, it's both safer and more legal to strap 100 pounds of binary explosives to my chest and walk around the city, than it is to strap U.S. grapefruits to my chest. Priorities are now perfectly aligned.

California's most wanted criminal

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Let Me Get You The Appropriate Form For That

Today, like many weekdays that preceded it, found me sitting at my desk pondering what to do for the mid-day foodings. The obvious choice for those of us who are hungry enough to get up, but not quite hungry enough to move further than mission range from the office toilet, is the coffee cart directly outside the office building.

At this fine choice of walking-distance dining establishments one can find all manner of sandwiches, soups, candies and various disgusting older women stuck on a middle rung of some corporate ladder. It's this combination of unhealthy food options, coupled with unsavory clientele that led the the scenario that I witnessed while I was waiting for some purple acai sludge bowl to be whipped up for me.

A woman of roughly 25 years my senior, with both the physical shape and outfit choice of blueberry Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory came up to the cart with a wadded up napkin in her hand.

Whaddya got there?

Silly hipster that manages the cart

"What can I help you with, ma'am?"

Orbularia, queen of the orb secretary people

*unwraps napkin*

"I bought this Snickers bar here just a little bit ago, and...well...as you can see something's wrong with it on the inside."

Editorial Aside:
What in god's name did she find in there? Spiders? Pebbles? Fetuses? We'll never fucking know.

"I'm sorry about that, please help yourself to another one."

"Just take another one?"

"Yes, go right ahead."

"Thank you."

She walked away from the cart, and in a world where humans evolve into creatures of increasing intelligence, that would have been the end of it. Sadly, it wasn't.

*After returning to cart with both napkin and fresh candy bar in hand*

"What do you want me to do with this?"

*Indicating half-eaten candy bar of AIDS in napkin*

"I'm sorry, what's that?"

"What do you want me to do with this now?"

"I'll take that..."

*Proceeds to throw it away, like a rational person, despite the nonsensical beard*

What the hell did you think the options for your half-eaten candy bar were, that you had to come back and confer with him on what the appropriate course of action was? Dear god, woman.

After her orbit took her far away from the cart, I told the hipster gentlemen that this is how the conversation should have taken place:

*unwraps napkin*

"I bought this Snickers bar here just a little bit ago, and...well...as you can see something's wrong with it on the inside."

"I'm sorry about that. It's probably just the universe's way of telling you to cut that shit out. Lord knows you don't any more encouragement to maintain your obvious peak physical condition, but please help yourself to another one if you'd like."

"What do you want me to do with this now?"

"OK ma'am, I'm going to give you Mars candy official form 22W 'Requisition form for replacement candy bar under condition of Snickers bar containing unsavory bits'. You're going to need to fill out and send this form, along with the remaining candy bar you didn't voraciously tear though, to the Mars corporation via certified mail. In 6-8 weeks you should hear back from the candy master about his findings, and potentially also receive a check for $0.75, which you can then apply towards a replacement candy bar, or add to your existing liposuction surgery fund. "

"What in god's holy name do you think you should do with the refuse you chewed on? We live in a society here, you beast. How did you manage to live this long lacking such basic knowledge? When you go to work, you put your muumuu on. When you take a shit, you flush it. When you're done eating some trash, you put what's left in the garbage."

"Now move on, you sicken me."

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Upcoming Modern Marvel Episodes

Modern Marvels
Season...19...still going...still finding marvels...we swear
Episode Number Episode Name Originally Aired Image
1 Visible Light 3/5/2012
2 Surprisingly Hard Nipples 3/12/2012
3 Clouds That Look Like Other Things 3/19/2012
4 That Scary Spider You Killed 3/26/2012
5 Hand Tools Made of Stone 4/2/2012
6 That Battleship You Call an Ass 4/9/2012
7 Cum Stains and Rips: Trouser Fashions 4/16/2012
8 My Wife's Farts 4/23/2012
9 Paying for Sex? 4/30/2012
10 Pebbles 5/7/2012
11 Your Butthole 5/14/2012
12 Bill Murray 5/21/2012
13 Cereals That Make Your Pee Smell Different 5/28/2012
14 Mexican Groundskeepers 6/4/2012
15 What's That Smell? Prostitutes! 6/11/2012
16 Dolphin Rape 6/18/2012