Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


California is not quite the liberal hippy nest that everyone that lives elsewhere portrays it as; it has its fair share of restrictive, and seemingly asinine laws and regulations. To help illustrate, I shall now point out, in order of ascending illegality / difficulty in obtaining, seemingly innocuous everyday things that I can't have in California.

Item: Grapefruits imported from any U.S. state
Illegality Level: Whoa there, buddy
Reason: Fruits and vegetables are serious business. Business with biological weapons built in.
Difficulty to Obtain: Without an appropriate form from the government certifying the fruit doesn't have bugs, or fruit AIDS, you'll kill Californians with your counterfeit fruit.
Punishment: Hefty fines, and state mandated diarrhea from too much fruit consumption.

Item: A .50 caliber hand-cannon
Illegality Level: We'll most certainly take that away from you
Reason: California has stupidly and unreasonably decided that a handgun that fires large machine gun rounds is somehow unsafe for any use.
Difficulty to Obtain: Can't buy one, but you can build one. Because a hand-cannon bought at a licensed dealer is dangerous as shit, but if you make it in your basement, out of parts of other guns...can't see a problem with that.
Punishment: It's undoubtedly inserted into your anus to 'teach you a lesson'.

Item: Any ferret (with or without festive holiday outfit)
Illegality Level: You want to go to prison? It seems you do; you own a ferret.
Reason: And let's also not forget...let's not forget, Dude...that keeping wildlife, an amphibious rodent, for uh, domestic, you know, within the city...that isn't legal either.
Difficulty to Obtain: It's easier to get a hand-cannon. You must obtain a state permit that asserts that your home passes an inspection that certifies it as a decent place for a weasel to live, and that you're a competent human being that has both a solid history of immunizations, and an emergency plan should the weasel escape.
Punishment: The ferret will be deported or smashed. The exact same fate awaits the person found to be in possession of the ferret.

Item: Tinted front windows on a vehicle
Illegality Level: Crisis adverted; I thought you wanted to tint your windows. Turns out you only want to assassinate a world leader. Carry on.
Reason: Dark windows obscure what's happening inside a vehicle, making it unsafe for officers to approach them on traffic stops. The same reason I can't wear dark pants to public parks anymore.
Difficulty to Obtain: Impossible. Can't have under any circumstance, even with a valid medical excuse. Perhaps you'd be interested in this low-yield nuclear weapon instead?
Punishment: Death. Death by 1,000 $180 cuts.

Since I can't have ferrets, large caliber handguns, foreign fruits or not-skin-cancer, what the hell is legal to own in this place?

Item: Tannerite, a two-part explosive
Illegality Level: Exceedingly legal. Go right ahead.
Why the hell?: Nothing could go wrong with making explosives at home, and thus there's no need to regulate it. I mean, after all, there's no ferrets involved.
Difficulty to Obtain: Pretty hard. You have to have an internet connection, and a credit / debit card.
America: Fuck yeah.

Johnny law is welcome to come take my ill-begotten fruits from me, but he'll have to deal with my hand-cannon when he does. Of course, he's welcome to come take my hand-cannon from me too, but he'll have to deal with my improperly feed ferret when he does. And he's more than welcome to come confiscate my ferret, but my tinted windows will prevent him from seeing the full extent of my ferreting. Naturally, he'll be forced to kill me for having tinted windows, but it's OK, because I'll hide all this under a pile of high-explosives I purchased off the internet, forcing him to think that I'm just an average, law abiding citizen.

In the grand scheme of things, it's both safer and more legal to strap 100 pounds of binary explosives to my chest and walk around the city, than it is to strap U.S. grapefruits to my chest. Priorities are now perfectly aligned.

California's most wanted criminal

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