Google Translate: Woman Self Descriptions

I'm Catholic

I will be pregnant the moment you so much as mention a penis

Everything happens for a reason

I'm a single mother

I'm a teacher

I'm desperate for you to fill me with your butter, so that I may have offspring of my own. Want to move in?

Curvy

Fat

BBW

Ridiculously fat

The first thing guy's notice about me is my eyes

I moonlight as a hot air balloon. Huge.

I have a lot to offer

I don't have a lot to offer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around

I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around using their wallet and dick

I love my ____ and wouldn't trade it for the world

I have a ___, and am daft to the point of borderline mental retardation

I'm down to earth and low maintenance

I'm full of crap

I like all (movies/music/television shows/books/foods)

I find opinions to be difficult, and as such, steer clear of them on all levels

I'm spontaneous

I live my life by the tenets outlined in The Jersey Shore

You only live once

I do anal

I'm a nanny for two beautiful children

I have no marketable skills outside of my mastery of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

I'm not good at describing myself

I can count to potato

I'm looking for someone that believes chivalry isn't dead

I'm looking for a man that will make love to me with a condom on without trying to finger my asshole

Instagranasty

We don't need to have the excruciating daily minutia of your life documented via half-thought-out cell phone photos, wrapped in several layers of indescribably dumb effects. In much the same way that electronic music is for those not musically inclined enough to work an instrument, Instagram is a tool allowing hipsters lacking the creativity and knowledge to substitute a bunch of clicks and whistles in lieu of photos containing real content.

Whatever, man. I was into shittily composed photographs before you and your popular ground-glass tripod camera came on the scene. You've debased the whole thing.

Allow me to walk you through a documented day of the average Instagram user.

You began the day by squeezing into the bathroom of your studio apartment, where you partially shave your scraggly and ridiculous looking beard, leaving a sink full of broken dreams and unkempt hair. You photograph this start to your day as you feel it properly illustrates the juxtaposition between your nonconformity and the fact that your parents said you'd never be able to hold a real job.

Now shaven, but still unshowered, you don your skinny jeans and pile into your free-trade, farm-fresh Smart car, and drive down to your job as a cashier at a local indie music store that sells 8-tracks exclusively, because they're under-appreciated and superior in every measurable way. Along the way you pause to capture a grasshopper on your windshield, which you think captures perfectly the futility and uncertainty of life.

At lunch, you share with the world the majesty that is your sustenance, comprised of piles of tofu hotdogs and hemp french fries (no potato insects were harmed in the making of these, you savage). You feel the need to share your disgusting food pile with the world because, like all vegetarians, you see no point in not eating animals if you can't broadcast that fact to the world at every given opportunity. Plus, you love the way the light reflects of the high fructose corn syrup; it reminds you of Christmas morning.

Several hours into your shift, you begin the ritual ceremony of exercising the tofu demons from your butt. Using your "artistic" skills as a cover for your latent perversions, you try sneaking a few under-stall shots of the man saddled up next to you. Convinced that one of them perfectly embodies your views on corporate America, you post it for all the world to see.

After a full day of slaving away at telling others how incorrect their musical tastes are, you head home. Upon arriving, you begin indulging in what has become your favorite pastime over the past few months: spending all night watching your cat take awful shits stemming from the vegan diet you've forced upon it. Of course, nature is simply too beautiful for you to not sepia tone the shit out of your cat shitting, and share it on the internet.

Sweet Christ, no one cares. Stop attempting to capture the "wonderment" around you.

The inventor of the camera is surely rolling over in his grave. Please consider not desecrating the dead the next time you want to share your quirky surroundings and Family Circus moments.

Yelp Reviews Of A Local Mexican Bodega

24 reviews in English

George E.
San Diego, CA

2/19/2012

I took one look at the employees there, and knew I was in for some tasty food. They were all fat as hell!

Will be coming back here often!

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Becky. C.
San Diego, CA

8/05/2011

I. Am. Effing. Impressed.

This place had both roosters AND unidentifiable dogs running around the store; that's pretty effing authentic if you ask me. This place is the real deal!

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Cletus T.
San Diego, CA

3/10/2012

Boycott this place! The Mayans are plotting to end the world THIS YEAR!

I'm not sure where in Mexico Maya is, but we can't fund these terrorists!

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Percival P.S.
San Diego, CA

7/06/2011

I had never heard of this place before, but a friend turned me on to it. And I'm sure glad they did.

I went in for avocados and came out with a our lady of Guadalupe mural for the back window of my BMW. Love this place!

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Kelly O.
San Diego, CA

02/02/2012

This place is a little grimy, but you get over it when you look at all they have to offer.

They have the best prices on produce I've found so far in the city. The only reason I gave the place three stars was that it seems like everytime I go there, I end up getting pregnant. Abortion pills (which they also sell there) are really cutting into my monthly budget at this point.

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Patrick C.
San Diego, CA

2/19/2012

No-frills environment, amazing variety of ethnic foods.

I knocked one star off though because, frankly, the Mexican gentlemen wearing the sunglasses, with the skull covered in tattoos, that follows me around constantly informing me he's going to "raw dog" me, makes for an unsettling shopping experience. But on the other hand, you simply cannot find cucumbers for a lower price anywhere.

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Richard H.
San Diego, CA

7/21/2011

This place smells like carnitas wrapped around hemorrhoids.

Checking out also took forever as all employees were leaning against cactuses while wearing blankets with holes in them, with large sombreros pulled over their eyes as they napped.

Was going to give it one star, but I picked up some gentlemen from the parking lot that put together all my new Ikea furniture for only $10.

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Susy R.
San Diego, CA

11/22/2011

I always come here for Jumping Jalapenos Thursdays! It's been my routine for almost a year now.

For those that don't know, JJT is a fun game they put on every week, where a fresh 3 pound bag of jalapenos is placed under a hopping low-rider on hydraulics. The first person to grab the grab without being crushed by the unnatural automotive action, gets to keep the bag as their prize!

I've gone through countless underwear from the all my victorious bloody farts! What a great store!

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Jerry S.
San Diego, CA

1/04/2012

I once bounced a check with an unfortunate clown design on it here, and even after making them financially whole, they refused to take down the embarrassing check.

On the bright side, the bakery prices here are extremely reasonable, and my rooster has won several of the cock fights run in the back.

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Lucinda L.
San Diego, CA

10/07/2011

I need their large burritos in and around my mouth!

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A Personal Appeal From Jimmy Wales

Wikipedia serves billions of pages of knowledge to the planet every month for free. We do all this with less than 100 members of staff, and just a few hundred servers. Please help us keep this system running so that the world can continue to access this mind temple for free. Please consider making a donation of $5, $20, $50 or whatever you can to protect and sustain Wikipedia.

Like Forrest Gump and that whore from Pretty Woman, we here at Wikipedia are attempting to better ourselves, despite great adversity. Please donate whatever you can to help our foundation continue providing free knowledge to the world. We're not tardos nor prostitutes, but we still need your help.

No one wants to help Jimmy and Wikipedia? It makes Jimmy exceedingly sad that you can't spare $5 for the cumulative knowledge of the human race. That coffee you have there, how much did that cost you? Hmm? Probably roughly five dollars. People like you are killing Wikipedia and make Jimmy Wales sick.

Wikipedia is not above lowering itself to tugging at your heart strings to get donations. Yes, this is a kitten in a cast; it's the Wikipedia office cat. If we don't raise $1.5 million in the next 24 hours, there's no telling in what ways Jimmy's next outburst will negatively effect tiny Cinnamon.

Well, I hopead you all are haadppy. Yourd lack of wdillingness to dkonate to Wikipedias, and the assocciated disdtress in my lif3 has ledd to poor Jimemy being placced in an iron lugng. Jimmy is still able to tyhpe with a cruode homemmade mouth typidng wanfd, so don'tt thinmk I'll stop pleeading folr your do4nations.

Holy Christ! There's a huge nasty spider on your screen! Click it to kill it! Click it now! You may have to enter credit card information after you click it, to make sure it's REALLY dead! Hurry, before it gets you!

We'd hate to run out of funding with which to operate our servers. We'd hate to have to find alternative means to power our servers with. We'd hate to burn homeless dogs in a makeshift boiler in sub-basement 2 to generate steam for generators. Wouldn't you hate that to? Don't you love puppies?

You're the 1,000,000,000^th viewer!

Click to claim your prize!

Are your hearts so callus that without the looming prospect of genital stimulation you won't donate to help Wikipedia?! For the love of god, fine! I will suck your prick if you donate $20 to help keep our doors open! I'll work the pipe, Jimmy is not above that. I am not a proud man. Let's get those pants off and those wallets out.

How You Found My Damn Blog: Part 2

Sadly, you can't buy any of them anymore, as the Louvre has acquired them all to display in their main gallery.

Dear user, we at Google appreciate your attempted regular expression usage. However, we can not, in good conscience, return you results that may include surprising the elderly, clowns, kangaroos or handicapped children with handjobs.

Hmmm...could be any woodland creature or even small people. Everything's hair falls out when they die.

I'm not convinced you actually know what a sleeping bag is or what it's used for. Perhaps you were thinking of a coconut crab?

Did YOU rape a car, or were you raped IN a car? Either way, sounds like a hoot!

Don't hesitate. Don't waste time searching the internet. Don't waste time verifying the cats rightful owner. Just throw it away.

God that's hot.

Just got a fresh shipment in this morning, simply come on by the ol' website.

A wire brush is the obvious choice, but I suppose you're welcome to track down alternative cures.

How could it when the Earth is flat?

na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na fagman!

Of course. Naturally. Sagacious choice, sir.

God dammit, I'm tired of attracting people to my blog that fell asleep with their face on their keyboards. It's just not the quality traffic I want. Although, their average time on site is remarkable.

Dildos in the shape a horse? Or ones large enough to use on a horse? Either way, I too would like to see them being used. Only if their primary usage was beating the shit out of people searching for horse dildos, though. I think the irony would be delicious.

Grammatically and physically, I believe this to be outside of your capacity.

Ahh, yes. The old parable about the porcupine that uses the mystic twig as an auto-erotic device, serving as a lesson to kids about the importance of taking pride in one's woodworking skills. One of my favorite fables.

Congratulations! You're the 1,000,000^th cheating husband! You win half of your own stuff! Yay!

How You Found My Damn Blog

According to Google Analytics, here're the usual, and healthy, search terms that land a decent amount of you jerks on my blog.

Mmmmm....yes. Timelessly wonderous and zesty.

I've been trying to figure it out for neigh on 30 years now. Sadly, I've ruined many a rug.

What; to good to hold them out and slice at them with a small paring knife, like everyone else?

80 grit ought to do it. Works for sheet metal.

Error 509: tits too big to fit on Google's servers.

I told you they were a work in progress!

Internet, please take me to chapter 78 of the great online novel "Dick Sex" please.

Shitting on your own penis is a very real, and very non-insurance-covered effect.

I'm hard pressed to tell the difference between a real porcupine license, and a fake one. I wish you luck on your journey, Mr. Bond.

Dammit Richard Gere, I told you to peddle your shit-covered hamsters somewhere else!

Everything you wish to learn can be obtained by witnessing the magical molecular ballet that unfolds as you press your head into an open pit of flames....and shit!

How many is enough for you, sir? It'll never be enough, will it?

Try....sex? With your vagina?

I hope you find a several-step answer to great taint success. Just make sure the last two steps are "rinse", and "never tell anyone how awkward that was".

Rub them between two sticks. I learned that little trick on Survivor Man.

Next week on Dr. House: the team diagnoses the rare disease "crotch-assle-leprosy".

Grammatically and logistically I'm not sure any of what you just said works.

You mean "completely normal everyday boner", right?

If you insert enough of them into the tip, some amount of rigidity is bound to ensue.

Verily, I Undertake Much Facebooking

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Greetings and salutations majestic Facebook denizens! Percival W. Steffi, steampunk mechanist here! Commencing my effulgent internet journal with this inaugural post!

Further announcements forthcoming

April 12th @7:45pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Top of the morning to all Facebook dwellers!

Effectuation of new arachnid steamworks schematics successful! Application of my constitution towards construction now to initiate!

April 13th @7:32am • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi likes Clockwork Masturbatory Devices

April 17th @1:14am • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Much brawn and forging with Hephaestus' hammer have led to unmitigated success! Boiler replete with water, and furnaces generating whirling dervishes of flame!

The world will soon know the breadth of my mechanical mastery!

April 25th @7:45pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Promenade of steam mechanical adroitness undertook!

April 26th @3:38pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi Many odd looks abound from local townspeople; peculiar to say the least. Most certainly in astonishment of my prowess and the machine of the ages!

April 26th @3:42pm • Like

Percival Winthorp Steffi likes Steam Piston Fuckbuddies

April 17th @3:57pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Still a great to-do about my mechanoid arachnid from the general populous. Unsure of the intent of the interest now...

I make no nevermind of it, however, for the pressing issue of my coal reserves is now at hand.

April 26th @4:55pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi

I am bringing the mechanoid to a hault near the edge of town, to preserve the precious coal stock. I proceed on foot to scour the landscape for more of the precious mineral.

April 26th @5:07pm • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi Damn and blast! Not a single coal vein to be found! And they call this a sophisticated society...

April 26th @5:52pm • Like

Percival Winthorp Steffi

Even more outstanding misfortune! I return to my arachnid only to ascertain that the local constabulary has placed some form of unlawful operation citation on the device!

I have been forbade from commanding my leviathan any further! Curse the heavens!

April 26th @6:07pm • Like • Comment

Hobbles the Broken Horse

Hey, you, fucko the transcendent...was that you that blocked the freeway this morning with some giant mechanical dick beater?

April 27th @10:11am • Like • Comment

Percival Winthorp Steffi I thank you, good sir, to not say such fatuous things about my creation. It is not some crude device, it is a technological wonder, powered by the magesty of steam!

April 27th @10:46am • Like

Hobbles the Broken Horse I don't care what you call it, you steampunk fuck. I was 45 minutes late to work today because of that metallic turd. You don't need some cockamamy looking glass bullshit to foresee the outcome of turning your giant steam shitbot loose on the city streets, dick head. Pull your head our of your ass.

April 27th @11:08am • Like

Percival Winthorp Steffi I warn you, as one gentleman to another, you must cease your violent outbursts, or mark my words, you shall feel the wraith that only my devices can bring

April 27th @11:13am • Like

Hobbles the Broken Horse Color me scared, fagmo. How about you put your shitty brass-plate pants on and come over here for a good ol' fashioned beat down. Then, when I've ruined your monocle and tophat, you queer, you can go on down and move your abomination, before I melt it down to make myself a shiny new dump truck to park on your face. Cock bag.

April 27th @11:22am • Like

Percival Winthorp Steffi You have forced my hand! Releasing my internet scorpions now!

April 27th @11:41am • Like

Hobbles the Broken Horse If they're all wearing a pussy leather vest like you are, I think I'll be alright. Queefpunk.

April 27th @11:58am • Like