Volunteers Needed

After seeing a desperate facebook advertisement looking for people to join the California volunteer firefighters, I felt filled with the gift of giving. I decided I'd help their cause by giving them some updated, trendy advertisements to help swell their ranks.

You want people to risk their ass? Pay them some damn money. I got news for you: if my house is on fire, then not surprisingly, I'm already a volunteer firefighter. I'm attempting to put that shit out, just as well as anyone with no formal firefighting training can. Why would someone sign up to get paid nothing for putting out other people's fires? That's what firefighters get paid for.

By the way, California also needs volunteers to either battle inner-city crime with nothing more than a handheld crosswalk stop sign, or someone to stand on a conveyor belt moving towards a large rotary saw. Both also unpaid positions...unless unnecessary personal risk is considered payment.

Demoing Renuzit Scents

According to internal memos, they have a batch of these proposed, but rejected, scents every year. As part of this Plinko-esque process of sorting good smells from bad smells, they offer up their concoctions to the public to test them, before they go on sale. Confusion at how these ever got beyond the Board O' Ideas stage notwithstanding, here are my demoed bold new scents for 2011, from the masters of odors at Renuzit:

Reminds me of the warm smell of discarded live-in husks that filled our home around the holidays. Mostly reminds me of that year grandma had her "accident" at dinner.
4/10

Fresh. Crisp. Sharp.
Interestingly reminiscent of that trip I took to Tokyo a few years back.
6/10

Spicy is surprisingly accurate. Bold and powerful, this one made my throat burn upon inhalation. Nothing a glass of milk couldn't fix though.
7/10

Smells like every cat owner's home I've ever been to. Familiar but not inviting. Excellent packaging design, however.
5/10

A cornucopia of aromas and even palatable flavors stemmed from this one. I distinctly picked up on baby corn though.
I hate baby corn.
2/10

This one was captivating and pungent. Fresh and natural with overtones of nature walks and suppressed memories.
9/10

They nailed the description on this one. My eyes are still watering. Only for the adventurous.
5/10

Unpredictably pleasant. Like a combination of pina coladas and tuna fish.
8/10

As a home fragrance, I'll pass. As a means of easy fumigation, I think this has a future.
3/10

Spot on. I would fist pump this one all the way to the check-out aisle.
9/10

Silly Corgi...

Get down from there! You lack both the opposable digits and hind legs long enough to operate the controls of a Sopwith Camel. You're unlikely to land safely, let alone score any aerial kills!

Get off antique national television! Bob has told you several times that you make probably the poorest Cliff Hangers mountain! You're ruining the game for Mr. Chattsworth!

Stop ruining this Dali painting! Despite replacing your legs with stalks, you're not even remotely surrealist! You look ridiculous in the medium of oil paint!

Put Bill Corgan's guitar down! I don't care that you spent over $100 on that white suit, and have been writing several angsty songs; you'll never fool anyone into thinking you play for The Smashing Pumpkins!

Stop faking your Hollywood credibility! You never, in any cinematic capacity, played Mr. Orange from Reservoir Dogs! Stop getting orange hair all over my nice business suits!

Get out of that Vostok spacecraft! You're wholly ill-suited to represent the Soviet Union, let alone the entire human race in the first endeavor into space! God help us if you peed in that expensive pressure suit!

Stop horsing around with that low-bypass turbojet engine! You are possibly the worst AGM-28 missile I've ever seen! I doubt you could avoid any defense radar, let alone deliver a warhead of ANY size!

Get down off the rear of that fire truck! You're woefully untrained in any form of driving, or inner-city navigation! Leaping Larry's Electronics is burning down right now, and you don't even care!

Get off the damn battlefield! Regardless of how many pieces of armament to affix to yourself, you'll never be a tank! How you managed to fool those helpless, tiny soldiers of your battlefield prowess is beyond me!

Take off that unlicensed proton accelerator pack! You're not now, nor will you ever be, Dr. Ray Stanz! If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!

Corgis are fucking silly looking. That's all there is to it.

Menial Simulator 2011

Like any normal person, I work hard during the day, and like to unwind at the end of it to balance myself. Also like any of you, I come home and dream of operating heavy machinery and traffic redirection. Almost gives me a boner just thinking about it. The Germans certainly know what I'm talking about, as their "games" satisfy these very normal recreational urges:

For all intents and purpose, German people's idea of recreation seems to revolve around simulating themselves doing ignoble and dirty jobs, by themselves, on their PCs. They sure have come a long way from the days when invading neighboring countries was seen as the "cool" thing to do. Now, it's more popular to ensure that the road to said neighboring country is freshly paved and clean.

For all my German friends, I would like to share some sneak peeks at upcoming software for the year 2012, which should really work your plebeian German cranks:

Ctrl + d! Ctrl + d! Add the wet paint sign!
Yes! Got it!

Now with realistic getting stuck, turning the crank in the opposite direction, and
then resuming your sharpening attempt action.

You have miscalculated and burned fry #29.
Click here to restart level.

The physics rendering on this staubsauger action  is the best I've even seen!

Level 2 boss: stubborn dandelion near cucumber garden.
Level 6 boss: random rogue honey bee.

Apollo 18 (2011)

Apollo 18 (2011) Working Title: Moon Crabs

86 min - Horror | Sci-Fi | Thriller - 2 September 2011 (USA)

Ratings: 5.9/10 from 3,502 users Metascore: 24/100

Reviews: 112 user | 58 critic | 19 from Metacritic.com

Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon.

Director: Gonzalo López-Gallego
Writers: Brian Miller (screenplay), Cory Goodman
Stars: Warren Christie, Lloyd Owen and Ryan Robbins

Related Photos

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is this film real?

Q: You can tell me...is it?

Q: Crabs?

Q: Really? Crabs?

Q: The Russians? The Americans? And some crabs?

Q: Great space / extraterrestrial crustaceans movie, or greatest space / extraterrestrial crustaceans movie?

Did You Know?

Trivia

NASA's liaison for multimedia, Bert Ulrich, has officially stated that "Apollo 18 is not a documentary ... don't be retarded." See more >>

Goofs

Factual errors: There were crabs on the moon.

Caligula Cookie

Recently, a person, who shall remain nameless, revealed a pre-market sneak peak at the a new Oreo cookie creation:

Little did he, or anyone else, know that two flavors was only the tip of the ambitious and perverted cookie iceberg for Nabisco. Info from an inside source, who will remain even more nameless than the last person, gave me a glimpse of the horrors being slated for release from the depths of the Cookie Manhattan Project.

If you wouldn't mind, Nabisco, we're trying to have a society here. Please undermine it as little as possible with your debauch diabetes treats.

More Tourettes Guy: 8-Bit Edition

My Life In San Diego: Pt 2

And now, for the exciting and crotch-titillating conclusion to my daily life in San Diego.