Mass Effect 4 Gameplay Preview

Through much legwork, lots of hacking work, and some reach-around work, I've come into possession of information not yet seen anywhere outside of Bioware software. Prepare to be blown away. Set your erect computer-gaming nipples to stun, because by clicking on the newly-discovered logo below you'll find an interactive demo of the first 20 minutes of gameplay in Mass Effect 4!

Returning to their Mass Effect 2 roots, the developers chose to weed out non-hardcore gamers by making commander Shepard forced to spend roughly the first half hour of the game checking his email that he got since the end of the last game. Apparently, the game doesn't let you continue the storyline until your unread email count is zero. Should be pretty fucking awesome.

Stabfist Blames Obama 'Appeasement' for Palestinian Statehood Bid

Republican senator Firebat
Stabfist of US outpost colony #16

"We are indignant that certain Middle Eastern leaders have discarded the principle of direct negotiations," he said. "We are equally indignant of the Obama administration and their Middle East policy of appeasement."

Stabfist called on the U.S. to approach the Middle East with a "new firmness and a new resolve." Stabfist criticized Obama for demanding concessions from the Jewish state that Stabfist says emboldened the Palestinians to seek recognition by the U.N.

While blatantly disregarding the long-standing no ominous background flames whilst in session rule, senator Stabfist stated his belief that "peace in the Middle East would not come through appeasement of, nor through concessions to either party."

Stabfist went on to proclaim, while wearing his red political battle-suit, that the only possible solution to conflicts in the Middle East would come from a United Nations imposed "peace"; quotes around the word actually being gestured with his fingers as he spoke.

His solution was simple, he went on to say. Listing that his peace could be brought to the Palestinians and Israelis conveniently by either:

• Loading the "peace" into "howitzers, mortars and god damned tanks", and then lobbing it at their settlements.
• Loading specialty heavy aircraft with "peace" and raining it upon their homes and schools, saturating the newer generations with it.

For an even more thorough application of "peace" to the local inhabitants, Stabfist went on to say:

• "Peace" could even be buried under the soil of the contested area, waiting for an unsuspecting person to walk upon it, unleashing copious amounts of "peace" upon them.

On the opinion of Obama's stance on the issue being weak, Stabfist concluded his speech by saying "These tactics work for the Zerg problem, and we should do no less here. Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy."

Senator Ultralisk stormed out at this point, and has been unable to be reached for comment.

Democratic senator Glarwar
Ultralisk of Tennessee

Menial Simulator 2011

Like any normal person, I work hard during the day, and like to unwind at the end of it to balance myself. Also like any of you, I come home and dream of operating heavy machinery and traffic redirection. Almost gives me a boner just thinking about it. The Germans certainly know what I'm talking about, as their "games" satisfy these very normal recreational urges:

For all intents and purpose, German people's idea of recreation seems to revolve around simulating themselves doing ignoble and dirty jobs, by themselves, on their PCs. They sure have come a long way from the days when invading neighboring countries was seen as the "cool" thing to do. Now, it's more popular to ensure that the road to said neighboring country is freshly paved and clean.

For all my German friends, I would like to share some sneak peeks at upcoming software for the year 2012, which should really work your plebeian German cranks:

Ctrl + d! Ctrl + d! Add the wet paint sign!
Yes! Got it!

Now with realistic getting stuck, turning the crank in the opposite direction, and
then resuming your sharpening attempt action.

You have miscalculated and burned fry #29.
Click here to restart level.

The physics rendering on this staubsauger action  is the best I've even seen!

Level 2 boss: stubborn dandelion near cucumber garden.
Level 6 boss: random rogue honey bee.

Gaddafi: Don't Hate The Player

It's come to my attention that recently, Libyan leader and original member of 2 Live Crew, Muammar al-Gaddafi has been catching a lot of press heat because of his bodyguards...and some little mass-shooting too, I think.

The primary focus of the critics attention has been on the particular homogeneous nature of his guards; all 40 of whom are hand-picked female virgins. Collectively referred to as the Amazonian Guard, they're touted to be artists of both firearms as well as hand-to-hand combat. Their training is very secretive, and not much is known about his legion of fembots.

Through extensive investigative reporting, at the risk of possible bodily harm to both myself and my family/friends, I have learned the identity of several of the key members of his elite team, and what makes them so deadly.

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 Using a trick he learned from the movie Weird Science, Gaddafi has animated and incorporated into his collective both his Amazon as well as his Assassin character builds from the Diablo II video game. It's rumored that his Amazon was a level 24, and that she adds +6 to Gaddafi's vitality; perhaps explaining his long reign.

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Taking a page right out of Hollywood's playbook, Gaddafi has recruited Ming-Na, who played Chun Li in the live action Street Fighter movie. Seen below during one of the many secret daily affirmation ceremonies that help build the Amazonian Guard's morale:

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I've even managed to sneak a video out of Libya of one the the extremely secret and grueling hand-to-hand fighting competitions inside Gaddafi's camp:

Recent reports have led to a fear in the west regarding Libya's current monopoly on Qigong Fist Technology