Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cox: Still Cocks

From a phone conversation that transpired just yesterday.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Thanks for calling Cox, how can I serve you today?

Me

Hello, I'd like to cancel my television service.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

I'm sorry to hear that. Any particular reason you're thinking about getting rid of your service?

Me

I just rarely watch TV, so it seems silly to keep paying for it.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

I can understand that. I rarely watch TV myself, but I like having the option, or to have it on in the background. You know?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

I see here that you have the basic package. Maybe we can do something with that so you can keep your service.

Me

That's nice and all, but, like I said, if I don't watch the television, any package just seems sort of a waste.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Right now, you have channels 2-99, for $50 a month. I'd hate to see you lose local news channels and ESPN. I could get you a bundle deal that would lower it to only $30 a month. And that'll be good for 6 whole months.

Me

And then after the 6 months? Back to the same price right?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

That's correct. But you'd have 6 months of lower payments.

Me

Which means in 6 months I'd have to remember to call and cancel then, as opposed to just cancelling now, which is what I'd like to do.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Everyone has a smartphone nowadays, just set a reminder with that for 6 months from now. No big deal.

Me

Why in god's name would I want to do that?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Sir, I just saved you $20 a month. I'm sure you buy more than $20 of crap every month anyway. I mean, that's....*fiddling with desk calculator*.....72 cents a day. Anyone can afford that price!

Me

And I'd rather buy $20 more "crap" per month than pay for cable that, as I said, I don't watch anyway. I can always turn it back on if I want.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

If you cancel now, you'll have to pay a $30 to turn the service back on, and you'll lose any "current customer" discounts, so your plan could be much more expensive in the future.

Me

So? The alternative is to throw $30 out the window monthly anyway. Just one month of not doing that would cover the $30 it takes to type into the computer to turn my service back on.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Why don't we just try the special package I offered you for at least a month? It's just a single month. What could go wrong with only one month of trying it?

Me

Have we thrown the option of turning my service off entirely out the window now as well?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

.

I'm just trying to save your service, so that you don't miss out on local news and ESPN.

Me

You do know that I have your internet service, right? I'm not missing out on the world.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

.

The background noise, sir! Welcome the background noise into your life! Plus, you get ESPN!

Me

Look, all I want to do is cancel my television service. And all you want is to convince me that channels 2-99 will bang me gently while ESPN gives me a reach-around. I don't care.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

So you're just going to go without television and news? Just going to have no access to the important things happening in your area? Like a hermit?

Me

Yes; how can I get that? Is there someone there that can give me that idyllic scenario you just described, and where I can also keep 50 extra dollars in my pocket?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

One dollar and seven cents per day. That's all it takes to keep your service.

Me

No television for me, I'm all set.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Would you like us to downgrade your internet service today as well? We can get you out of that peksy cable modem and into a nice 56k dial-up system today. Perfect for hermits that shun the outside world such as yourself. How's that sound?

Me

Are you quite through? Are we good here?

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Fine. I'll make the changes to your account. They'll dock my pay and my children will not get the leg braces the doctors say they need. How's that sound to you?

Me

Let's do just that.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Thanks a lot, sir.

Me

Right back at ya, slick.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

Can I interest you in one of our landline phone packages today while I got you on the line?

Me

Get cancer of the dick.

Me

Right square in the dick.

Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums

*click*

Like some shitty piece of computer software, it seems you can never fully uninstall Cox. Endless verbal confirmation pop-ups, one after another, in an attempt to guilt you into keeping their services is the best you can possibly hope for. All calls to Cox might as well play Sarah Mclachlan music in the background.

"You want to remove our services from your life? WHY DO YOU HATE US?! WE CAN CHANGE! DON'T LEAVE US! BABY COME BACK! WE NEED YOUR MONEY DEEP INSIDE US!"

Monday, June 18, 2012

Google Translate: Woman Self Descriptions

I'm Catholic
I will be pregnant the moment you so much as mention a penis
Everything happens for a reason
I'm a single mother
I'm a teacher
I'm desperate for you to fill me with your butter, so that I may have offspring of my own. Want to move in?
Curvy
Fat
BBW
Ridiculously fat
The first thing guy's notice about me is my eyes
I moonlight as a hot air balloon. Huge.
I have a lot to offer
I don't have a lot to offer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.
I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around
I'm new in town and looking for someone to show me around using their wallet and dick
I love my ____ and wouldn't trade it for the world
I have a ___, and am daft to the point of borderline mental retardation
I'm down to earth and low maintenance
I'm full of crap
I like all (movies/music/television shows/books/foods)
I find opinions to be difficult, and as such, steer clear of them on all levels
I'm spontaneous
I live my life by the tenets outlined in The Jersey Shore
You only live once
I do anal
I'm a nanny for two beautiful children
I have no marketable skills outside of my mastery of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
I'm not good at describing myself
I can count to potato
I'm looking for someone that believes chivalry isn't dead
I'm looking for a man that will make love to me with a condom on without trying to finger my asshole