Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, February 28, 2011

Mildly Inappropriate Automotive Colors

Most automotive color names are just uninspiring, but a few are borderline inappropriate

Ford Burnt Sienna Baboon Ass

Chrysler Gilded Saudi Dildo

Dodge Tijuana Discharge Green

Chrysler Pimp Shit Bitch Metallic

BMW Poland Blazing Green

Chevrolet Obscene Cunt Orange

Jaguar Mild Diarrhea Metallic

Porsche Prolapsed Anus Pearl

Bugatti Michelin Man Cock White

Chrysler Teenage Crusty Sock Saffron

Volvo Rape Is Funny Blue

Honda Awkward Homo Touching Grey

Smart Auburn Queef coupled with Drunk Dad Shame Black

They can't all be winners.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Wildlife Of Southern California

Despite living in an urban sprawl in southern California, one still discovers opportunities to witness wild animals in a semi-natural habitat. Here's a glorious creature that I recently discovered in a local park:

California Freerange Woodland Grilled Cheese Sammich
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Tasteums
Order: Sammichus
Family: Cheesy-Sciuridae

The California Freerange Woodland Grilled Cheese Sammich, CFWGCS (pronounced Kifwigks), is native to the brush area of the southwest United States. An adult CFWGCS will grow to be approximately 6 inches in length. A weight of up to one pound is typical of Grilled Cheese Sammichs of this breed. CFWGCSs will live to be, on average, about 3-5 years in age.

The CFWGCS is not to be confused with the North American Grilled Cheese Sammich, which is a popular food item among modern day humans worldwide. Like most things dealing with California, no one wants to put any part of the CFWGCS in their mouths.

The skin of a CFWGCS, young or adult, is very scaly and almost porous. Refer to the picture below.

Very similar to Gary Shandling's face.


The CFWGCS has been roaming the North American southwest for almost 1000 years. Scientists date the arrival of the Grilled Cheeses Sammichs to back when the great Zebricock roamed the area as well.

 The Native American's used to make war shields out of the dried pelts of herds of CFWGCSs. Often they would brand the carcasses in such a way as to have the representation of a whiteman on them for added dramatic effect.


CFWGCSs make their nests primarily out of any paper, or paper-like products they can forage for. Their nests can be anywhere from a tree, to under structures, and in rare cases, in a human's home. Below is a photo of a CFWGCS nest found in a home in eastern California where the lack of electricity and phone lines prevents people from knowing about CFWGCS infestation issues.


CFWGCSs are generally herbivores, and willeat various fruits and vegetables, as well as some plants. In extreme cases CFWGCSs will result to cannibalism if no other sources of food can be located. In captivity, CFWGCSs will also eat, in addition to their normal diet, such items as cheese and some condiments.


Mating season for the CFWGCSs is in early October, with the gestation period lasting about 4 months, and litters generally consist of four to six pups. Mating lasts about 30 minutes, and consists of lots of grunting and panting. Like people, they prefer doggy style. Below is a rare photo of mating taking place, the male CFWGCSs is on top, tapping it from behind.

Known Predators

The CFWGCSs has two known predators.

Predator #1 is squirrels. This has been proven to be due to the fact that squirrels are mostly retarded, and appear to eat anything.

Caution: below are some graphic images of squirrels attacking defenseless CFWGCSs.

Predator #2 is homeless people; which will also eat almost anything.

Next Week's Animal

The Californian Ball-Gobbling Slut Ass

Last Will And Testament

At some point in everyone's life, they must concern themselves with the issue of their final wishes. At the senseless age of of nearly twenty-seven, I think I've got all my wishes sorted out.

Upon my untimely passing, there will naturally be two periods of observance.
  1. A time of extreme mourning for society as a whole.
  2. A time of extreme inability to purchase calendars, as they've all been pulled from stores in order to re-print them all with my day of observance noted on them.

 Following these two periods, the following three final wishes are to be carried out:

For the first 72 hours following my passing, my slowly decaying corpse is to be used as a torment / practical joke implement, to be applied towards people I disliked when I was alive.

You'll have to act fast, as the list of people I disliked while I was alive is quite large, and grows at near exponential rates. Also, to maximize the effect of my body in this task, I think a good idea (but by no means the only one) is to secretly place my corpse in a place that forces the fucking jerks to interact with it in their everyday lives. Here's a few ideas, where the decomposing head of Abe Vigoda represents my body:

At dumbass coworker's desk, on top of office necessities
Propped up against fuckwit's home door
Suspended over dickface's car, preventing them from moving
Bound to nippledick's child
Following the corpse-jokery, my corpse, drained of all funny material, is to be launched into space aboard a commercial rocket. With an orbital period of no less than three full revolutions of the planet, this will give me the chance to pass a judging scowl upon tens of thousands of miles of potential jerks below. Followed by a glorious re-entry into the atmosphere, which some moron will just happen to catch on his Handicam, and place on YouTube as "100% proof of UFOs".

Once I become airborne particulates that everyone has to breathe in, my final wish can commence. All my possessions (cash included) are to be assembled and packed into the coffin that would have housed my body. These are to be buried, because they are mine, and only mine.

Before finally burying all my stuff (because you know they're all mine), a gypsy curse is to be placed upon the coffin, to curse those who may wish to obtain my things. God help you if you attempt to take my things.

Rest assured, the haunting I'll put on your ass will far outweigh anything you obtain from the coffin.

That shit is mine, asshole

Tasty Jams

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Letter From HR

Gaddafi: Don't Hate The Player

It's come to my attention that recently, Libyan leader and original member of 2 Live Crew, Muammar al-Gaddafi has been catching a lot of press heat because of his bodyguards...and some little mass-shooting too, I think.

The primary focus of the critics attention has been on the particular homogeneous nature of his guards; all 40 of whom are hand-picked female virgins. Collectively referred to as the Amazonian Guard, they're touted to be artists of both firearms as well as hand-to-hand combat. Their training is very secretive, and not much is known about his legion of fembots.

Through extensive investigative reporting, at the risk of possible bodily harm to both myself and my family/friends, I have learned the identity of several of the key members of his elite team, and what makes them so deadly.

 Using a trick he learned from the movie Weird Science, Gaddafi has animated and incorporated into his collective both his Amazon as well as his Assassin character builds from the Diablo II video game. It's rumored that his Amazon was a level 24, and that she adds +6 to Gaddafi's vitality; perhaps explaining his long reign.

Taking a page right out of Hollywood's playbook, Gaddafi has recruited Ming-Na, who played Chun Li in the live action Street Fighter movie. Seen below during one of the many secret daily affirmation ceremonies that help build the Amazonian Guard's morale:

I've even managed to sneak a video out of Libya of one the the extremely secret and grueling hand-to-hand fighting competitions inside Gaddafi's camp:

Recent reports have led to a fear in the west regarding Libya's current monopoly on Qigong Fist Technology