Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Popular Automotive Misconceptions Demystified by Me

Misconception 1 - HID headlights are a good upgrade

For those of you with projector headlamps: Possibly.
For those of you with reflector headlamps: No man. Shit no man.

The idea that HIDs are upscale and provide much more light is a valid argument. But despite your technical prowess at plugging wires and bulbs together, steer clear of this upgrade. Unless you plan to change out the whole lamp assembly to one meant for HID lighting.

Idiots that do this upgrade confuse the kelvin on the color temperature scale above, with the "kickass brotastic" scale with which they otherwise judge all aspects of their life. 12>10>8, and they need all the points they can get to cash in for their Metal Mulisha decoder ring. The above chart is quite deceiving as both 10000k and 12000k are very purple looking in real life.

Not only are they purple, but they also put out roughly half the amount of light at 4300k lights do, making them roughly equivalent to the bulbs they originally replaced. One added benefit however, is letting everyone enjoy the very real experience of projecting the artist formerly known as Prince all over the vehicles in front of you.

Rock on, brotatoe.

Misconception 2 - Bass music is awesome

First off, it's not music. It's not, literally. There is no noise, there is only intense pressure waves; and I know this because everything in my room suddenly develops Parkinson's Disease everytime you roll up in your vehicle. Which is invariably a Nissan Maxima, or Chrysler 300.

This is what you're telling people when they are forced to listen to your "music" whether they want to or not:
"The simple pleasures of music are lost on me; I require a more direct form of stimulation for my primitive existence. I wish to subject myself and those around me to the automotive equivalent of the "brown noise", because my hobbies consist of both shitting myself, and being abrasive; sometimes at the same time."
Or, in terms that they'll actually understand:
"wwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooooo bbbbbbbbbbbmmmmmmmmmmmmmppppp bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmm wwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooo wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
 It must be hell on Earth to live in a time warp where only shitty things from the mid-90s appeal to you.

Misconception 3 - The PT Cruiser is a vehicle

It's not.

You know when you're in elementary school, and all the popular kids are wearing (Power Rangers/Ninja Turtles/whatever is popular nowadays) shirts and backbacks, so you desperately ask your parents to buy you one too? And after days of moping around due to publicly funded ridicule, they cave and finally buy you one, and you almost piss your pants with excitement? But then you go to school and only then realize that they bought you the one featuring the character that calls your sexual-orientation into question?

The PT Cruiser is the automotive equivalent of that. You think that it shows that you're making an effort to be hip and trendy, but all that it really says about you is that you go in the bathroom and diddle your asshole while thinking about your male history teacher.

More than anything, seeing these cars makes me think of all the tragedies and failures in one's life that leads them to look upon the PT and say to themselves "Hmmmm, yes. This car does speak to a gang-rape victim like me."

I don't care how many chrome adornments, vinyl flames or hood scoops you can pack onto its turd shaped body, you're still a giant homo, and everyone but you knows it.

Misconception 4 - A huge wing on the back of my Honda/Toyota/Nissan/bike/donkey gives me better traction

A wing on the back of your Civic does as much to promote downforce as wearing a beenie hat on a windy day promotes lift off.

But, alas, Autozone needs to do little more than put a huge aluminum spoiler in their stores...and presto! As if by some sort of douche magic, assholes show up to adorn their Civics with them.

Anytime you see someone with a large wing or Altezza tail lights on anything but a rally car or actual Altezza, simply tell them there's some Type R stickers under your rear tire. Then as they inevitably wedge their head under to find their precious loot, back over their face. It's as simple as that.

Wings and Altezzas are a genetically linked disease. The carriers of this trait need to be isolated and killed.

No comments:

Post a Comment