Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Wildlife Of Southern California

Despite living in an urban sprawl in southern California, one still discovers opportunities to witness wild animals in a semi-natural habitat. Here's a glorious creature that I recently discovered in a local park:

California Freerange Woodland Grilled Cheese Sammich
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Tasteums
Order: Sammichus
Family: Cheesy-Sciuridae

The California Freerange Woodland Grilled Cheese Sammich, CFWGCS (pronounced Kifwigks), is native to the brush area of the southwest United States. An adult CFWGCS will grow to be approximately 6 inches in length. A weight of up to one pound is typical of Grilled Cheese Sammichs of this breed. CFWGCSs will live to be, on average, about 3-5 years in age.

The CFWGCS is not to be confused with the North American Grilled Cheese Sammich, which is a popular food item among modern day humans worldwide. Like most things dealing with California, no one wants to put any part of the CFWGCS in their mouths.

The skin of a CFWGCS, young or adult, is very scaly and almost porous. Refer to the picture below.

Very similar to Gary Shandling's face.


The CFWGCS has been roaming the North American southwest for almost 1000 years. Scientists date the arrival of the Grilled Cheeses Sammichs to back when the great Zebricock roamed the area as well.

 The Native American's used to make war shields out of the dried pelts of herds of CFWGCSs. Often they would brand the carcasses in such a way as to have the representation of a whiteman on them for added dramatic effect.


CFWGCSs make their nests primarily out of any paper, or paper-like products they can forage for. Their nests can be anywhere from a tree, to under structures, and in rare cases, in a human's home. Below is a photo of a CFWGCS nest found in a home in eastern California where the lack of electricity and phone lines prevents people from knowing about CFWGCS infestation issues.


CFWGCSs are generally herbivores, and willeat various fruits and vegetables, as well as some plants. In extreme cases CFWGCSs will result to cannibalism if no other sources of food can be located. In captivity, CFWGCSs will also eat, in addition to their normal diet, such items as cheese and some condiments.


Mating season for the CFWGCSs is in early October, with the gestation period lasting about 4 months, and litters generally consist of four to six pups. Mating lasts about 30 minutes, and consists of lots of grunting and panting. Like people, they prefer doggy style. Below is a rare photo of mating taking place, the male CFWGCSs is on top, tapping it from behind.

Known Predators

The CFWGCSs has two known predators.

Predator #1 is squirrels. This has been proven to be due to the fact that squirrels are mostly retarded, and appear to eat anything.

Caution: below are some graphic images of squirrels attacking defenseless CFWGCSs.

Predator #2 is homeless people; which will also eat almost anything.

Next Week's Animal

The Californian Ball-Gobbling Slut Ass

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