Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

3nglish Is Not Ur Friend

If you spend any amount of time in places of public digital communication, I'm sure you've come across this issue. This shorthanded lazy-ass attempt at saving a few microseconds by typing everything incomplete and retardidly, makes Stephen Hawking wish he never invented the fucking internet. So, for your consideration I'd like to present to you excerpts from the first volume of their cultural dictionary.

b4. [bee-fohr]
  1.  A designation of an American bomber aircraft.
  2.  An idiots way of butchering the word 'before'.
Usage - The idiot who decided that cutting three letters out of the word 'before' and replacing one letter with a number should have his fingers manually removed using a weed-whacker b4 he can type anything ever again.

sum. [suhm]
  1.  Being an undetermined or unspecified one.
  2.  A term used for people who think that 'u' is equivalent to the 'uh' sound.
Usage - Sum people are a complete waste of meat and bodily fluids and should go live in sum cave sumwhere until they expire.

sum1. [suhm - wuhn]
  1.  Some person.
  2.  A precursor band that was forty bands before Sum41.
  3.  A term to describe the sum total of brain cells in anyone's head who can't write three fucking extra letters.
Usage -Sum1 should have punched you when you were a child to knock some sense into your lazy ass.

dun. [duhn]
  1.  To make repeated and insistent demands upon, esp. for the payment of a debt.
  2.  A telltale indicator that you're listening to Larry the Cable Guy.
  3.  To be complete?
Usage -I'm dun with the proper English language. I think I'll make a fuckmockery of it, and make myself look like a huge shitsickle in the process.

cud. [kood]
  1.  A douchebags future-tense form of 'can', used to express possibility.
  2.  What a cow chews when it throws up in its own mouth.
Usage -You think I cud fit my own hand in my dickhole? I mean, I'm a huge dickhole already for being so fucking lazy, so maybe I could fit plenty of shit in there.

ur. [yoor]
  1.  A city in ancient Sumeria.
  2.  Not a proper form of the word 'your'.
Usage -Go fuck ur mother.

wat. [wuht]
  1.  Used interrogatively as a request for specific information.
  2.  The SI unit of power, equivalent to one jerkoff per second onto ones' own face.
Usage -Wat the fuck? End urself.

Webster would personally thank me if he himself, right now, wasn't small, black, and extremely dead.

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