Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

California Driver Handbook

New 2011 Laws

Effective January 1, 2011

Pedestrian Crosswalks
  • Crosswalk signals are now to be disregarded. Irrespective of current traffic light or traffic flow conditions, simply begin your journey across no-mans land with complete disregard for machines. There's a high chance any vehicle will execute an emergency stop to prevent hitting you, allowing you to continue along your path to the other side of the street. When in doubt, please refer to this official DMV 'ideal scenario' animation:

Interchanges / Ramps
  • Whether an interchange from highway to highway, or ramp leading to / from a highway, new speed regulations are being enforced on these sections of road. New automatic speed limits on these roadway sections are exactly half of the destination road. If merging onto a residential road with a 40 MPH speed limit, ramp limits are now 20 MPH. Likewise, if you're merging onto a highway with a speed limit of 65, a strict limit of 32.5 MPH is now enforced as your merging speed.
  • Keep in mind that this new limit is in effect the moment you enter the ramp. Please liberally and immediately apply your brakes to quickly come into speed compliance. Although simple math is required, we're quite confident that our citizens will be quite capable of dealing with this modest task with which they've been charged.
Lane Usage
  •  Left lane passing while slower traffic keeps right is no longer the CA DMV mandated method of lane usage. The left-most lane is now strictly for traffic that drives 5 MPH under the posted speed limits, and moving trucks. All lanes to the right of this are for keeping pace with the left-most lane. Passing in any of the right lanes is strictly prohibited. Please refer to the following diagram to help ensure you do your part to create the ideal traffic vortex created by the high pressure system in the rear and near vacuum in the front.

Yielding for Law Enforcement
  • In order for law enforcement to do their job effectively, ordinary citizens must now yield not only the right-of-way, but also the right to use-the-roads-safely. Chiefly, this means that the new LEA (law enforcement arc) system is in effect. The following diagram highlights this arc, wherein all vehicles must travel at no more than 5 MPH and where you must rubberneck at what's taking place to make sure everything's going well under your keen supervision. Please note that this arc extends 90 degrees out to both sides for both directions of travel.

Signaling Driving Intentions
  • Turn signals are no long compulsory. Any extra voltage usage on your vehicle leads to an increase in fuel consumption, and hence pollution. In light of this fact, turn signal usage is no long required, and is actually frowned upon. Anyone with half a brain (the same that we give licenses to) will see you in a lane and assume you clearly want to be in a different one. As such, the action of you darting across one, or multiple, lanes of traffic will not only be safe, but will also show your dedication to keeping California green.
Double Parking
  • Double parking is now only allowed under the following conditions: you're allowed to park your Renault next to any parked MiG-21.

Following Distance
  • To minimize road wear, the following distance rules are now to be followed when stopped at a traffic control light or stop sign. A minimum of one and a half car lengths should be kept from the car in front of you when standing still. This will not only minimize the amount of road wear at any given time, but also maximize the amount of tax dollars you waste by not using the road you paid for.
Highway Merging
  •   The accepted standard of "the zipper", for alternating merging vehicles with ones currently on the highway, is no longer applicable. The new mandated procedure is "the clusterfuck"; where the current highway traffic alternates between either, 1) not letting merging traffic in at all, or 2) moving over every conceivable number of lane, stopping all other lanes from moving.

Exceptions to the Above Rules
  •  The above new regulations, as well as any other current or past regulations, only apply to vehicles that don't have their flashers on. Any normal vehicular infraction is completely absolved if a vehicle owner activates the dual flashing lights. Anything goes. Welcome to Thunderdome.

No comments:

Post a Comment