Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Go To Hell Dick Pills

See if you can guess what it this is...

Hint: I get about 20 of these per day.

Dollars? God, I wish.
Blowjobs? Getting warmer.
Erections? Only 20?

The correct answer is spam emails.

This isn't normally so bad, as my filters usually do a good job of throwing all that shit directly into my spam folder. Thus freeing me of annoying advertisements, false job offers and letters from any family members. Occasionally, however, I do like to delve into the seemy underbelly of the digital world that is my spam folder; very akin to an electronic version of countless Mexican border towns.

Recently, upon browsing over subject lines of the numerous messages, I've noticed a pattern in the emails that I get. They fall into one of two categories:
  • Messages containing offers for watches for sale
  • Messages telling me how small and unsatisfactory my fuck stick is
This begs the question: how could the email gods have decided that these messages were spam when they seem so very relevant to me and my needs?

Yes, my system of using the sun to tell time is only 75% accurate during the day, and only 12% accurate at night; so perhaps I could use one of the many fine watches that are for sale at fair prices, that arrive directly to my inbox. And yes, I've only ever killed three people with my average-sized crotch weapon; so perhaps it could use a vigorous bout of strengthening.

In the hopes that we can once and for all see how useful and well spoken these internet gems really are, I shall now share with you all the penis wisdom that I receive (in both text AND images) on a day to day basis.

Message From: Beulah Hargrove <beulahcabinetryhargrove@thelittlegym.com>
Subject: Become a real man |ncre@se your male 0rg@n size
Body: Your girlfriend loves big shl0ng but the problem is that you have small one.
Dont panic! You have astonishing chance to solve this problem.
At present you can |ncre@se your male 0rg@n length.
You'll be a king of bed sure enough.
My Reply: Please help me! My brother has been insisting that he's the rightful heir to our father's throne, and the he shall be the next king of Bed. What can I do to increase my size so that I might successfully challenge my brother and wear the crown to rule our kingdom? I await your reply and your solution to our kingdom's problem.

Message From: Doctor Quincy Padgett <quincy.padgett@aljazeera.net>
Subject: Develop a Larger device in Weeks
Body: Begin a sex hero.
of thing in taking reports, so I wasn't put out in the least. At last,
measurement of electric current for light, heat and power. The invention
three thousand, if they thought five thousand was too much. But when
"Don't talk; figger! I'm runnin' this loss business. Don't want to make
My Reply: Thanks for taking the time to contact me Dr. Padgett. I must admit, that my device has done poorly thus far at measuring electric current, heat and power. It seems that no matter how many times I insert it into electricl outlets, hot water, or use it to estimate the horsepower of my car, I simply come up short. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore and I think my wife is loosing respect for me, but five thousand does seem a little much. I would like to know more about your loss business so that I can make

Message From: Your doctor <abe@donin.com>
Subject: Works with sexual stimulation

It's a little known fact that Uncle Sam was a female, that craved the larger-than-average cock just like all women do

Message From: Doctor Tabitha Paulson <tabitha.paulson@lebnews.com>
Subject: Only losers have small schlong

If snakes lusted after my dirty, gravel-encrusted penis I would be so happy

Message From: Dr. Johnnie Trotter <johnnieloyaltrotter@15seconds.com>
Subject: Dreaming about enlarging of your instrument length
Body: our chick doesn't want to had jazzed it with you along of of your jang size.
Dont worry you can solve this trouble right now.
All you have to do is just put to use our instrument enlargement.
You will forget about problem and your girl will be glad
My Reply: I was so happy to hear back from you Dr. Trotter. I was beginning to think you'd lost my last correspondence regarding my instrument size. My guitar is far too small for my lady to want to play jazz with me, as a medical doctor I'm sure you can suggest an approved and safe method of making my guitar larger. Please get back to me ASAP.

Message From: Intercourse <cosmo@faxsav.com>
Subject: Keep erection

I'm really in the wrong internet industry now that I realize that out there, somewhere, someone gets to draw dicks in wheel chairs, and it could be me

Message From: Happiness <kam@olgafilippova.com>
Subject: No embarrassment

There's no amount of embarrassment that proudly displaying an American flag from your pecker can't fix

Message From: Sex Performance <boleslaw@atomic.com>
Subject: Sexual Strength

If having small junk allows me to fulfill my dream of watching my woman get fucked by a tiny whale, then I feel that's a fair trade off

Message From: Respective Libidos <sharad@4m-milano.com>
Subject: Causing an Erection

Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh God Yes! Do want!

Laugh all you want, but I'm well on my way to having a dick so big and strong that I'll have to register it with the goverment. Additionally, I'll soon be able to tell time more accurately.

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