Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Cats: (Insert words here)

Imagine having a long day and work and just wanting to come home and relax with your girlfriend. Now imagine that when you get home, you don't see her or hear her making any sounds....you call out her name, but no reply. So you sit on the couch and turn on the TV, figuring she's doing something important and that she'll be out when she's done. You're calmly watching an episode of your favorite program, when something starts munching on your hair.

You turn around to see what the fuck it could be and you get slapped in the face and hissed at, while the culprit runs to hide. A pursuit ensues, and when you get to your room you find the bed sheets clawed up, a shit-log in the corner, and your girlfriend under the bed hissing at you.

That's what it's like owning a cat.

Fuck cats. But not literally, because it's apparently it's 'cruelty' to give them the happy no-pants dance.

In the spirit of how shitty cats are, me and an cat-owner played a fun game over AIM, inspired by the following picture.

This game was called "Cats:___________", where you insert a phrase about cats in the blank that you thought was relevant, given the nature of the above animation. I took the anti-cat side, she was (for some reason) on the pro-cat side. The following is a transcript of that game.

Me: cats: not very smart
Them: cats: wicked awesome
Me: cats: unable to fly, contrary to what they may think
Them: cats: not pansies scared by the possibility of what if
Me: cats: not mobile with all four legs broken....need to be put down
Them: cats: able to hold their own
Me: cats: able to climb to the top of a telephone pole without a backup plan
Them: cats: able to get themselves down
Me: cats: having gravity pull you on your face isn't a viable 'getting myself down' option
Them: cats: have survived for centuries on such skill
Me: cats: is suicide a skill?
Them: cats: have nine lives
Me: cats: need nine lives whereas creatures with intelligence manage with one
Them: cats: badasses
Me: cats: natures retarded cousin that eats shiny things and isn't allowed near children
Them: cats: cute and cuddly
Me: cats: like to shit in your laundry. get a woman if you want to cuddle
Them: cats:so funny (and well i wouldn't want a woman to cuddle with)
Me: cats: so funny (to watch go around and around in the dryer)
Them: cats: curl up nicely in one's lap
Me: cats: fold up nicely for easy storage
Them: cats: yay
Me: cats: 100% daily value of bullshit
Them: puhlease

Maybe I'm biased, but I think the results of round one were quite conclusive.

Love cats - 0
Feed them to monkies - 1

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