Let Me Tell You About A Porcupines Balls

Monday, February 21, 2011

Please Misuse My Business

Whether out of corporate caring (not likely) or management laziness (much more likely), businesses I frequent are being misused on a daily basis. I've had all that I can stands, and I can't stands no more.


Sure Starbucks sells stuff that MAKES you shit, but you're in no way obligated to purchase their shit-facilitating-juice in order to partake of the bathroom.

I mention this as it appears that roughly 30% of visitors of Starbucks just pull up outside, come in, drop a loaf, and roll back out. The other 70% are hipsters that come in with laptops and pretend they have things they're studying for, while they're really just using the free wi-fi to download porn while playing on Wikipedia.
Corporate Policy 78: Use of our stores as a dumping ground for un-paying homeless people and construction workers is a point of pride. Please don't inhibit the conversion of our place of commerce into a Roman bathhouse of feces.


I would like to visit the grocery store one time without being accosted by someone pandering shit out front. Just one time, for fucks sake.

Them: "Would you like to help send me to basketball camp by buying a candy bar?"
Me: "I have diabetes, you prick. But keep on perpetuating that stereotype, young fella."

Them: "Are  you a registered voter?"
Me: *thinking about which answer makes the talking cease* "No."
Them: "Sign up here to register then."
Me: *shit* "I'm not a citizen."

Them: "Would you like to sign this petition to legalize pot?"
Me: "Yeah, that'll clearly solve the issue. Move along, Shaggy."

Them: "Would you like some Girl Scout Cookies?"
Me: *don't acknowledge existence*

Them: "Subscription to the newspaper today? It helps me raise money for the road to recovery."
Me: "No time for reading, I got a whole bag of crack cocaine. How o how will I finish this whole bag by myself?"

Them: "Have you seen my son?! I can't find my son!"
Me: "Of course you can't, he's gone. Time to make another one."

Mexican Restaurant Across the Street

Unable to use the single door that acts as the entrance/exit for the establishment because a 40-some year old, semi-retarded oaf is standing in front of the door pressing his face against it in a desperate bid to see what's going on inside.

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