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Monday, February 14, 2011

Schmalentines Schmay

  • Candy
  • Hearts
  • Red stuff
  • Assorted angel / frilly bullshit
  • Masturbating using your own tears as lube
That's right, it's the time of the year for the crock "holiday" Valentine's Day. With the nauseating amounts of love and puppies in the air, it's easy to forget the true meaning of Valentine's Day.


Valentines Day is named after Saint Valentine, the patron saint of cardboard romance cards. Saint Valentine used to make little cards to give to all the local towns people. These cards were used by Saint Valentine to let everyone know how much poon he was getting. Often also in the cards were crude drawings of Valentine laying his fuck on the town's women. Only one of these cards survives to this day.

Historians tell us this card depicts him and a blacksmith's "property" having some tasty sex. This naturally made the entire town upset, mostly the men, as it reminded them of the ass they were not getting since Valentine was bogarting all ass, crazy boy-band ass.

Despite the chronological gap between Saint Valentines time and our own, little has changed. The modern rendition of the holiday has, as such, capitalized on the greeting card idea that Saint Valentine started. Most importantly, the day still upsets men worldwide.

On this day of cardboard and sugar, you don't have to look far to be reminded of all the women that want nothing to do with you. Since I don't give a fuck about how many slam pieces Valentine broke off, I've decided this holiday to make card's that don't waste time. You won't have to read between the lines on any of these beauties.


If you don't feel the love swelling inside you now, you're truly dead inside. You monster.

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